At 3:45 a.m. this morning I ordered ritzy progressive trifocals with very adorable frames.

Happy high noon from Howdygram headquarters! The last 24 hours have been surprisingly eventful around here, as evidenced by the following …

MOBILE VISION, THE GRAND FINALE. On Monday morning Sam canceled my order with the annoying deadbeats at Mobile Vision for the extra pair of progressive trifocals they were supposed to make for me. They had forgotten about them for a whole goddamn month. We asked for a refund of our $342 and a copy of my prescription via email. By 3 p.m. I had received BOTH.

With enough good drugs a person can do anything!

Lazy, lazy, lazy. It’s 12:48 Monday morning, and I haven’t felt motivated or enthusiastic enough for two whole days to get up and sit at my computer workstation. I’m already psyching myself up for tomorrow, though. I’ll definitely get up tomorrow. My hospice C.N.A. will be here at 10:30 for our Monday bathing and hygiene hoo-hah, and afterwards I’ll load up on my opioids — liquid Morphine and 20mg of Hydrocodone — and do what I need to do. With enough good drugs a person can do anything!

Tonight’s late-night bedside buffet will include Del Monte zucchini and a jar of pickled beets.

It’s definitely been an annoying day around here. For starters, we’ve had too damn many stinking interruptions, including: 1) my hospice C.N.A. at 10:30 this morning for routine bathing and hygiene baloney; 2) two Wal-Mart deliveries; 3) a prescription delivery from the hospice pharmacy; and 4) I think that’s it. And with regard to item #2, we did not receive the canned Keystone Beef that I was expecting, and this was the third time that UPS rescheduled my delivery this week. The swine!

In celebration of Urethra Franklin, I had my catheter changed this afternoon.

I’ll begin my post today with a Happy Labor Day greeting to all my American readers … featuring a sparkly graphic with stupid blinking hoo-hahs that will probably give you an aneurysm if you stare at it too long. Maybe you’d better continue reading my post and scrolling down. Thank you.

And the good news is … I’ve finally recovered from last night’s marathon Poop-O-Rama!

THURSDAY, 7:15 P.M., 4/5/2018. I haven’t had a very good day. Actually, it’s been downright CRAPPY. My assorted crises have been, so far: 1) four episodes of an uncontrollable bladder; 2) one intestinal explosion of nuclear proportions; 3) a bleeding, wet rash on various parts of my body that are none of your business; and 4) severe chronic pain that includes a screaming baby toe on my left foot, burning on the bottoms of both heels, burning skin on the back of both thighs and agonizing arthritic knees. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m clearly a “10” today … even with extra pain meds. It absolutely sucks. And it hasn’t been very easy on Sam, either.

I feel like I’m slowly returning to the land of the living.

Yes, I’m home. At last. I was discharged from Baylor Hospital on Sunday morning — right on schedule! — and came home in my own wheelchair via a Care Flite medi-van. Unfortunately, I have to learn how to walk all over again after a whole week in bed because all my goddamn leg muscles were SHOT. I’m still trying to conquer it, people. Walking has been incredibly painful for years; now it’s even worse. I can’t walk yet using only my cane. Thank God I also have the walker I bought for my birthday a few years ago!

There’s nothing as unappealing as a bowl of pulverized pancakes.

FRIDAY, 12:53 P.M., 3/23/2018. So here’s the latest from my luxury suite at Baylor Hospital in Sunnyvale, Texas. I found out this morning that I’m not scheduled to go home until Sunday morning, not Saturday. This was the first time anybody had bothered to explain that I’m on a seven-day antibiotics regimen, and since I was admitted last Sunday morning I won’t be able to leave until this Sunday morning. The day after tomorrow. Can I please KICK THE CRAP out of somebody?!

I apologize for my absence last week.

Yo, shalom, howdy and happy Monday from Howdygram headquarters! It’s another cold and cloudy day here, following three months of more cold and cloudy days. Texas is definitely sick of winter. Yesterday we even had a small ICE STORM, which melted by mid-day due to a brief period of sunshine and an afternoon high that hit 50°. We’re all looking ahead to Wednesday with a high in the 60s and a steady spring warm-up every day thereafter. We even have thunderstorms in the forecast. At last!