As much as I enjoy “bath time,” Sam and I are putting my hospice through the wringer right now.

It’s Friday morning, 9:15 a.m., and it’s Sam’s birthday! To celebrate, he’s in the study making phone calls (we’re attempting to change electric providers) and I’m on the chaise lounge in the family room eating a couple of Popsicles and watching Funny Girl (1965) starring Barbra Streisand. I’m also waiting for my hospice C.N.A. to come over at 10 for my final professional bath of the week. She does a very good job — every Monday, Wednesday and Friday — and I look very clean and shiny afterwards except for the spots that she dusts with Nystatin powder. She also covers my shins and feet with AmLactin cream because otherwise I’ll look like an alligator.

I smell good, too.

But as much as I enjoy “bath time,” Sam and I are putting my hospice through the wringer right now. During the last 24 hours we had to report the following new medical issues to the hospice administrator.

• I’ve developed a URINARY TRACT INFECTION. The hospice pharmacy is delivering an antibiotic today.
• I also have a MASSIVE YEAST INFECTION (stop laughing … it’s a very common medical issue for diabetics) that includes a horrible wet, bleeding rash in at least six locations — which are none of your damn business — on my body. Prescription powders and creams haven’t done a thing, so we’re finally moving on to Plan B. Pills. As soon as the hospice physician prescribes something for this, I’ll let you know. I’m expecting a phone call from the hospice administrator and (eventually) a delivery from the pharmacy.
• As of 15 minutes ago Sam tells me that I have three rather large OPEN WOUNDS (pressure sores) on the back of both thighs (I asked him to take a look), and one of the sores is actually bleeding. To tell you the truth, the skin “back there” has been the source of unbearable pain for years, but to find out that I actually have bleeding wounds right now is terrifying and depressing. The last time I had bleeding pressure sores (about five years ago) they were treated by an R.N. from a home health agency. She had to come every other day to change the dressings, and then she taught Sam how to do it himself. Pressure sores take forever to heal. Jesus … can’t I ever cut a break? The hospice is sending an R.N. today to examine my wounds and begin treatment.

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While Sam is pretty much housebound now waiting for multiple pharmacy deliveries and a hospice R.N., I think I finally know what I want for lunch. I want a can of Nalley Beef Stew (pictured below) that arrived yesterday from Wal-Mart.

Can’t wait to give this a try today … canned hamburger stew in hearty gravy.

This will be a brand new dining experience for me! I’ve never had Nalley Beef Stew before, but the reason I decided to give it a try is because — no kidding — the reviews were TERRIBLE. All the reviewers (there were three of them) complained that Nalley changed the recipe sometime in 2016 and started making their stew with hamburger instead of regular beef, which actually sounds better, and a lot easier to eat lying down. (I eat lying down about 90% of the time.)

And so the official Howdygram review of Nalley Beef Stew is … BETER THAN I EXPECTED. It’s definitely tastier than Dinty Moore or any of Campbell’s Chunky soups (most of them taste like wallpaper paste), and Nalley definitely has no visible wads of actual beef, which is a good thing. Unfortunately, I can’t really eat the teeny portion of stew that Sam gave me about half an hour ago because I’m having that problem with not being able to swallow again. (Everything is coming back up. I’m miserable.)

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Know what? I just realized that today’s Howdygram post is one gigantic Kvetch Report. Even so, I thought I’d let y’all know that my hospice R.N. (Stella) is on her way RIGHT NOW and will be here in about 30 minutes to treat those open sores on the back of my thighs, check out the healed ulcer on the bottom of my left foot, discuss my meds, which would include the antibiotic I’m still waiting for plus three maintenance drugs (Amitriptyline, Coumadin and Lasix) that are running low, and hopefully provide an update on how to get rid of the world’s largest yeast infection. I’M A MESS, PEOPLE. Things hurt, things ache, things are bleeding, I can’t swallow my food and everything else is just falling apart.

Here’s what’s going on right now. Stella (my hospice R.N.) was just here for about half an hour treating the wounds on the back of my thighs. Oy, people, it was just awful. I had to stand for the entire procedure, and standing is practically impossible for me. I also learned that the sores on my legs are not the same, which means they all have to be medicated differently. The only similarity is THEY ALL BURN LIKE HELL. Stella will be back every week on Monday and Thursday until I’m all healed up. Thank God.

It’s 7:45 p.m. and Sam and I are sharing a terrific HAPPY BIRTHDAY dinner ... a Pizza Hut thin crust super-supreme pizza (we substitute extra sausage and banana peppers for the ham and onions) with a pan of warm Hershey brownies and watching The Maltese Falcon (1941) starring Humphrey Bogart and Mary Astor. Just for the record, I’m having trouble swallowing again — still — and I’m pretty damn sure that dinner will NOT stay down tonight. I don’t feel nauseated or anything, but every bite of food gets stuck halfway down my throat!

Mary Astor and Humphrey Bogart in “The Maltese Falcon.”

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Woo-hoo! It’s 8:30 p.m.and the hospice pharmacy just delivered a high-powered antibiotic to treat my urinary tract infection. I’d tell you what it’s called except Sam took the bottle into the kitchen. He has to cut up these monsters for me and bury them in a mound of Cool Whip or I’ll never be able to swallow them. (To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I’ll be able to swallow any of my other meds tonight, either.)

I have to apologize to all of you. I honestly didn’t plan to write a long, creepy, self-absorbed post about canned beef stew and bleeding pressure sores, and anybody reading the Howdygram for the first time will probably run screaming into the night. So believe me, I’m sorry for this ... I really am. I’ll try to do better next time. For instance, tomorrow’s Howdygram post will include interesting photos from the national KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER protest march in downtown Dallas, because Sam will be there!

Unfortunately it’s supposed to be another blistering hot day tomorrow with triple-digit temperatures. Attendees are encouraged to wear white (a nice suggestion, but it’s still 100 fucking degrees outside even if you’re wearing white) and also should feel free to carry homemade signs as long as they don’t incite violence. I offered to make a couple of neatly-typed non-violent signs for Sam but he decided to take a pass, which is actually a shame because I MAKE FANTASTIC NON-VIOLENT LEFT-WING SIGNS with free goofy artwork at no extra charge. Tell your friends!

Incidentally, I’m always happy to offer my design services and make high-quality signs for any left-wing cause. Just send me an email to discuss your event and what kind of signs you want, okay? I’ll save the sign artwork as a high-resolution JPG and email the file to you.

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Thank you for reading this, thank you for putting up with me, and thank you for trying to remember the Alamo. (You’re probably having more success with that than I am.)