My new Senior Citizen Forklift is here. Part two.

MONDAY, 10/15/2018, 2:37 A.M. On Sunday afternoon Sam and I tried out my new Hoyer Lift. It had been here for several days already, but we were waiting for the new sling I ordered from Amazon. It came Sunday morning and involved a fucking ton of trial and error until we figured out how to use it without causing excruciating pain to the back of my miserable thighs, which are covered with a disgusting quarter-inch thick layer of dry crusty skin that peels off — and bleeds profusely — on contact. Sometimes I feel like a creature from a science fiction movie.

Anyway, after five or six attempts to hoist me off the bed in the sling we finally got it right, and Sam transported me to the commode. I was already having problems, however. I was frightfully dizzy and nauseated — and felt like I could pass out — most likely from the liquid Morphine I took when we started out half an hour earlier, plus the crust on the back of my thighs started ripping off in huge chunks (visualize sheets of ice breaking up in the Arctic) and bleeding like a surgery scene from “MASH,” so I told Sam to please get me back into my hospital bed right away (and he did) — just to be safe — even though I hadn’t waited long enough to poop. Like I said, it was a lot of trial and error today. Next time we’ll definitely know how to do this … and that’ll probably be later on today after my hospice C.N.A. finishes up my morning bathing session.

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MONDAY, 10:27 A.M. My C.N.A. is stuck in traffic so I thought I’d type for a little while until she gets here. I’ve got an “issue” this morning that she might be able to help me figure out. Forgive me, please, for saying this, but my pee stinks to high heaven … and it’s so bad you can even smell it through the catheter bag! (Keep in mind … I do not have a urinary tract infection right now, which is typically the source of stinky pee.) So this morning Sam vacuumed the carpet — not knowing where the smell was coming from — and then shpritzed the room with two different kinds of Febreeze (a fabric freshener and an air freshener). The smell has been reduced … but it’s definitely not gone.

Therefore … if anybody has a brilliant idea about what could be causing this, please send me a pee-related EMAIL as soon as possible. Thank you.

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MONDAY, 11:49 P.M. This has been a day of many, many naps and I’m just waking from another one. I suspect that Sam will wake up shortly, too, because we’re accidentally on similar schedules most of the time. However, tonight before Sam goes to bed, which is typically around 1:30 a.m., I will request a jar of Del Monte Pickled Beets with sour cream for my late-night snack because I’ve eaten practically nothing today excep Popsicles and saltines. Can a girl live on Popsicles and saltines?

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During his “60 Minutes” interview on Sunday night we learned that Donald Trump has a new painting in the White House … it’s a cheesy picture of himself drinking and horsing around with past Republican presidents who, for the most, are people who hate his guts. (To me, it’s reminiscent of that stupid painting of dogs playing poker.) Trump’s favorite new work of art hangs alongside a graph of his electoral college victory and an enlarged Photoshopped picture of his inaugural crowd.

The Manhattan orangutan, pictured here 20 years younger and 50 pounds thinner, is seen laughing it up with:

• GEORGE W. BUSH, who refused to vote for Trump.
• GEORGE H.W. BUSH, who voted for Hillary Clinton.
• RONALD REAGAN, who hated Trump and once signed an autograph “Reagan Reagan” just to fuck with him.
• TEDDY ROOSEVELT, who dedicated his life to public service and protecting America, would have considered Donald Trump a grifter and a traitor.
• DWIGHT EINSENHOWER, a family man who would have detested Trump’s lying and womanizing.
• GERALD FORD, same as above.
• ABRAHAM LINCOLN, an 1860s liberal and a devout Christian, he would have instructed the Union army to shoot Trump for treason.
• RICHARD NIXON, who was a disgraced criminal with no patience for deranged clowns.

Now hanging in the White House next to a large graph of Trump’s electoral college victory.

Beloved readers … I’ve got an update about my stinky pee! Woo-hoo! Apparently I really do have another UTI brewing. Sam has become an expert at advanced “pee analysis” when he empties my catheter bag — recognizing sludge, gunk, and swamp water as well as assorted color variations — and texted our hospice administrator this morning with his observations, she spoke to the hospice M.D., and I’ll have another round of antibiotics delivered today by 6 p.m. That’s what I call service!

TUESDAY, 10/16/2018, 11:48 A.M. So let me tell you what’s going on around here, okay? I’ll start with A FAVORITE SUBJECT: DRUGS. I decided yesterday that I don’t want to take liquid Morphine any more. Yes, it relieves pain, but mostly it just makes me miserably dizzy and nauseated, especially if I’ve also taken Hydrocodone. Therefore I’m through with the liquid Morphine and I’ll text the hospice administrator in a few minutes to let her know. From now on I just want my regular prescriptions for Hydrocodone, which is a superior pain-killer to liquid Morphine, and my extended-release Morphine tablets.

Another drug hoo-hah that’s going on … I’m testing whether or not I still need to use LANTUS SOLOSTAR INSULIN. I’ve always injected Lantus once a day a bedtime but decided to skip it last night because more than once nurse recently has asked me why I still take it because I eat almost nothing any more. I’ll find out today! I’m checking my blood sugar (and recording it) religiously all day so I can make an informed decision.

We almost had a HOSPICE R.N. VISIT with Martha set up for today — for a Hoyer Lift demo, remember? — but Martha texted Sam at 8 a.m. to tell him she can’t come because she has a bad cold. Jesus. Apparently there’s nobody else lined up for us? This is a little weird. We’ll contact the hospice tomorrow and ask what’s next. And I’m also due for a weekly checkup.

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Tomorrow I’ll officially begin my hunt for a new Medicare Advantage plan. About a week ago I received a letter from the plan I’ve had for the last two years — the Scott & White Vital Traditions HMO — to inform me they’re shutting down as of December 31. This time finding a new Advantage plan should be easy for me, because all of my medical care, my “durable” medical equipment (a hospital bed, an oxygen generator and a new Hoyer Lift) and 95% of my prescription drugs (everything except insulin) are covered by the hospice directly through Medicare. Actually, the only thing my Advantage plan will pay for is insulin, so I’ll just look up zero-premium plans with Part D drug benefits and find out which one has the lowest-cost insulin! And I guess I can get started tonight with my search online. Maybe right now, actually.

Oy, there’s always so much to do …

Thank you for reading this. Be a sweetie and remember the Alamo for a couple of minutes, okay?