Ooh! Know what Sam bought for me this morning at Wal-Mart? FROZEN BUTTERMILK BISCUITS! This is yet one more perfect example of a product that I didn’t know even existed until I discovered it on Wal-Mart’s website last night. Frozen biscuits certainly didn’t exist the last time I was in a supermarket, which was maybe back in 2009. We still had to buy them in refrigerated cans that you “popped open” on the edge of your kitchen counter — a very “modern” 1960s invention — except you had to bake the entire can of biscuits at the same time. In our house, though, Sam doesn’t care too much for biscuits, so the only person who’d eat them is yours truly. And I certainly couldn’t eat a whole can of 12 biscuits all by myself. One can is supposed to feed a family of four.
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| We always buy Wal-Mart’s store brand. These will be just as good as Pillsbury’s. |
My thrilling biscuit discovery of 2018 will allow let Sam to bake two at a time in the toaster oven for me, and I’M SO EXCITED I COULD HAVE A STROKE! It’s 3 p.m., now and Sam is conked out on the sofa watching The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) starring Errol Flynn, Basil Rathbone and Olivia de Havilland. When he wakes up I’ll see if I can needle him into horsing around in the kitchen for a few minutes. I want two biscuits, some margarine and maybe a couple of Jimmy Dean sausages (the kind you nuke in a paper towel). WHAT A FEAST! Woo-hoo! In my favor, I haven’t been too much of a pest lately regarding meal requests. I’ve either asked for Popsicles or a can of ravioli. You know, easy stuff.
I had to read this thing twice because I couldn’t believe my eyes. However a quick Google search actually brought up similar complaints to local newspapers all over the United States. Holy shit.
Yes, friends … MORONS WALK AMONG US. And here’s the Howdygram’s response! To the lunatics and knuckle draggers all across America, please note: The Fourth of July falls on a Wednesday this year because the fourth is a date on the calendar, not simply the name of a holiday. This year the third is on a Tuesday (today), and the fifth will be a Thursday later in the week. Get it? If you don’t want to screw around with a mid-week picnic and fireworks, then stay home and clean out your fucking garage. Thank you.
The Howdygram is grieved to announce that one of the beautiful dogs that portrayed “Duke” in TV commercials for Bush’s Baked Beans has died. Sam, which was Duke’s real name, lived in Apopka, Florida, with his owner, Susan.
“The relationship between Jay and his beloved dog Duke is the embodiment of the Bush’s brand and has been a part of our family story for more than 20 years,” Bush’s Baked Beans wrote on Facebook on Tuesday. “During that time we’ve worked closely with several dogs who portrayed Duke in our commercials, including Sam.”
Shalom, Duke. May you bark in peace forever after!
Apparently I’m through with that urinary tract infection — hooray? — but I’m still waiting for medical suggestions from the hospice physician regarding my whole-body yeast hoo-hah. I’ve had it for years already, but because hospice care focuses on complete patient comfort I figure they should do their damndest to get rid of it for me. Therefore I’ll continue to pester them about this for the rest of my life.
- Gnawing on Popsicles
- Watching movies
- Writing Howdygram posts
- Eating things
- Designing mugs and greeting cards
- Sleeping
- Answering email
- Drowning out neighborhood firecrackers on the Fourth
- Loving Sam to pieces (this one should have been at the top of the list)
Time to call it a night, guys. Thank you for reading this, have a happy Fourth of July and please do your best to remember the Alamo once in a while so I won’t have to.
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