The weirdest product on Wal-Mart.com’s virtual grocery shelves: B&M Canned Brown Bread.

WEDNESDAY, 8/29/2018, 12:07 P.M. I’m already not having a very good day and it’s only a few minutes past noon. I think my big issue right now is skin pain, especially a small area on my inner right thigh. My skin is unbearably sensitive, and right now I’ve got a pruny, agony-riddled expression on my face that’s probably nasty enough to scare away the neighbors, I’m gritting what’s left of my teeth, and I started moaning — rhythmically — about half an hour ago. Sam can’t hear me because he’s asleep, but if I wanted to wake him I’m pretty sure I could do it ... and he’d jump up to diagnose the problem and find out how he can help. God bless Sam ...

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WEDNESDAY, 4:34 P.M. It’s already 4:30 in the afternoon, and you know what? I feel like a total fuddy-duddy today, and I honestly can’t figure out what I want to do with myself. Unfortunately, though, I really don’t have many options. For instance, to entertain myself I can take a large squirt of liquid Morphine, 20mg of Hydrocodone and: 1) fall asleep; 2) try to stay awake by blinking my eyes; 3) finish this Howdygram post FAST because my MacBook is sputtering at 19% power; 4) stagger over to my computer desk and design one or two adorable holiday greeting cards for The Howdygram Store; or 5) that’s all, folks.

I know you’ll agree that I’m basically a cheerful old coot ... especially when you consider that I haven’t been out of the house (except for four trips to Baylor Hospital) during the last five years, never leave the family room, rarely get up off my chaise, eat the same goofy food day after day, wear the same eight nighties in various colors and suck the same three flavors of tropical Popsicles. These would be Island Punch, Citrus Surprise and Pineapple.

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WEDNESDAY, 11:19 P.M. Whoa … it’s getting late! Sam just shuffled off to bed and left me to enjoy one of our favorite movies, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974) starring Robert Shaw, Walter Matthau and Martin Balsam. A great cast and a great story. I never get tired of this one, and I think it’s because the ending is so damn good. (I refuse to spoil it for you, even if you beg.)

A great subway action movie from 1974 with a terrific story and cast. Thank you.

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Incidentally, two paragraphs back I mentioned that I “eat the same goofy food day after day” … and two of those aforementioned goofy foods would include canned beef (either Keystone or Armour) and canned whole potatoes (either Del Monte or Wal-Mart’s Great Value brand). Keystone tastes and feels exactly like your mom’s pot roast and includes a lot of really nice “pot roast” liquid that’s perfectly seasoned … providing that your mother knew how to cook, of course. Armour Roast Beef includes actual gravy. You get two servings from the can of Keystone beef (15 oz.) and really only one serving from Armour’s (12 oz.) … but who cares. They’re both quite fabulous and worth the extra buck and a half. Maybe you should stop being such a cheap fucker in your old age!

Tasty Armour Roast Beef with Honest Gravy … perfect smothered on some canned potatoes.

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Tonight’s order included lot of the usuals, such as Del Monte Zucchini in Italian Style Tomato Sauce, six cans of whole potatoes (because, believe it or not, the individual cans were sold out), two cans of Keystone beef, several boxes of Wyler’s Italian Ice Pops, and last but not least … the weirdest product on Wal-Mart’s shelves: B&M Canned Brown Bread. You get a whole pound of dark bread in a can — you know, pumpernickel — for only $1.98 that’s ideal for cheese or butter or tuna salad or practically anything. I can’t wait to try this. (The reviews are truly fabulous.) You just remove both ends of the can, slide out the bread and slice it! (They also make B&M Canned Brown Raisin Bread, but I’m pretty sure I can live without that one.)

A fully-baked one-pound loaf of pumpernickel in a can. Seriously.

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And now, at last, it’s high time to take some pills, shoot some insulin and get some sleep already. At 1:45 a.m. nobody should still be typing at this hour of the morning, especially since my MacBook is starting to run out of gas again. I absolutely have to find a way to use my laptop while it’s plugged in. Please send a few suggestions, okay? For instance ... can you plug a MacBook into an ordinary extension cord?

Thank you for reading this. If you have an urge to remember the Alamo, don’t bother. It’s not really worth it.