Eight days and counting … Sam goes to California and I go to a nursing home!

TUESDAY, 9/4/2018, 11:20 P.M. Hi-de-ho everybody and a happy Tuesday to y’all. It’s late Tuesday night, Sam is asleep on the sofa with Mister Furry — our oversized faux mink blanket — and I’m holding down the proverbial fort from a useful vantage point on the chaise nearby, here in the family room at Howdygram headquarters. Earlier today Sam made a trip to the store (Wal-Mart, of course) for a fresh load of Popsicles, canned zucchini, yogurts, Chef Boyardee Ravioli, frozen sausage biscuits and several dozen bottles of Clear American fruit-flavored sparkly waters. Tomorrow Sam will hit the mall to buy a new jeans belt for his trip to California next week, something that will impress his friends and relatives. You know what fashion mavens those Californians are!

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However, while Sam is driving around Los Angeles with his impressive new belt I’ll be in a — wait for it — NURSING HOME. Let that sink in. A nursing home! For me, it’s a five-day adventure in a new fluffy bed with thoroughly unfamiliar food … an event we’ve been calling The Respite Hoo-Hah.

Although I know I’ll live through it — after all, I’ve already been hospitalized three times this year — there are still some serious “Twilight Zone” possibilities. The adventure begins on Friday, September 14, and I’m counting on you to tune into the Howdygram every day for complete details. Also maybe a few pictures.

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When I woke up this morning I PLACED AN ORDER WITH MOBILE VISION for a new pair of trifocals with non-glare coating to replace the pair I lost in March en route to Baylor Hospital by ambulance. I was very screwed up at the time, a high fever, barely conscious and thoroughly unable to give any fucks whatsoever about where anybody put my glasses. By the way, I also ordered a replacement right lens this morning for the other pair I’m wearing that got smacked by a low-flying extension cord a few days ago. Come to think of it, that’s a lot of crazy, unlucky shit for a housebound coot, isn’t it? And it’s also the primary reason why I’ve decided to travel to the nursing home this time sitting up in a bariatric wheelchair, fully aware. If anybody touches my glasses I’ll beat him to death with my cane.

And now … it’s time to type up A LIST OF MY DAILY MEDICATIONS for my hospice social worker, Theresa, who wants to give them to the admitting desk at the nursing home. It’s a nice, juicy list of drugs! Unfortunately the first time around I left off the Morphine and Hydrocodone. The list wouldn’t be complete without my precious opioids!

MARCY’S MEDICATIONS
✲ Low-Dose Aspirin … 1 @ breakfast
✲ Furosemide, 40mg … 1 @ breakfast, 1 @ dinnertime
✲ Metoprolol, 25mg … 1 @ breakfast, 1 @ bedtime
✲ Gabapentin, 300mg … 2 @ breakfast, 2 @ dinnertime, 2 @ bedtime
✲ Allopurinol, 100mg … 2 @ dinnertime
✲ Amitriptyline, 10mg … 3 @ bedtime
✲ Trazodone, 50mg … 1 @ bedtime
✲ Morphine, 30mg … 1 @ breakfast, 1 @ dinnertime
✲ Hydrocodone, 10mg … As needed

INSULIN
✲ Lantus Solostar Insulin, 70 units @ bedtime
✲ Humulin R Insulin, 20 units @ mealtimes

Last night I was DICKING AROUND WITH THE HOWDYGRAM again. In case you neglected to notice, this time around I enlarged the cowboy graphic and the Howdygram’s logo by 15%. I also enlarged the tagline type — you know, “Made in Texas,” etc. — by one stinking point because it really wasn’t big enough. I think I might even want it bigger, although adding a special effect in InDesign might be enough. I’ll know tomorrow. It was my hope to get back to my computer workstation today but it just didn’t happen. Believe it or not, I was still feeling a little “bruised” from my catheter change on Monday and didn’t feel like sitting up today. Got it?

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WEDNESDAY, 9/5/2018, 9:07 P.M. Friends, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I’m getting a little nervous. I’ve been sleeping almost nonstop for two days, don’t feel like eating anything, don’t feel like watching much TV or any old movies, and I don’t even feel like talking to Sam. I just sleep! There’s good news, though … all of a sudden I have a craving for a can of Keystone beef and some canned potatoes. Therefore I’d better wake Sam (he’s sleeping almost as much as I am) and ask him to nuke some food for me before I decide I’m not hungry again. Emergency! Emergency!

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I’m really excited about tonight’s gang of FREE FONTS, because they’re all quirky and fabulous for my greeting card designs for The Howdygram Store. I’m especially crazy about “Kidlit,” “Pink Mouse” and “Belknap.” Woo-hoo! Download links will appear under the graphic in case you want a few of these for your personal collection, okay?

Belknap • Oi Font • Kidlit • Pink Mouse • Burger

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On Monday the weekly giveaway from Creative Market included a hilarious collection of horse cartoons, about two dozen images that I can’t wait to use for some cute greeting card designs. You know, for The Howdygram Store. The rest of Creative Market’s freebies (six in all), which I didn’t bother to download, completely sucked … two hideous fonts, a free PowerPoint template, and six clipart animals that all look alike. (No kidding, the elephant and the squirrel have the same stupid face.)

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It’s awfully late, Sam just went to bed, and I think it’s time to move on and answer a couple of emails before I conk out. Thank you for reading this. Try to come back tomorrow, okay?