The UTI from hell is searing its way through my body with sharp spasms and intermittent torpedoes of pain.

TODAY IS BATH DAY! Woo-hoo! It’s always so damn pleasant to start my day with an assisted bath. I wish I could request one every day, but the hospice administrator would probably accuse me of acting like Princess Grace. I guess it never hurts to ask, though. Right?

Unfortunately, I didn’t make too much progress after my hospice C.N.A. left this morning. The grand plan was to use the commode, transition to the bench and then have Sam wheel my computer workstation to me ... but I never got much farther than the commode. So now I’m back on the chaise for the rest of the day with a mug of Del Monte Zucchini and half a can of B&M Brown Bread. Incidentally, the brown bread isn’t quite as good as I hoped it would be … and it certainly doesn’t taste like pumpernickel.

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Good evening, boys and girls, and welcome to another edition of Speedy Food for the Elderly and Generally Inept! This time we’re reviewing a couple of thrilling exciting mostly stupid new food products, beginning with  B&M BROWN BREAD. It’s dry, dense, heavy and strangely dark yet tastes nothing whatsoever like pumpernickel. It’s just, you know … meh, with a texture like old banana bread. You have to remove both ends of the can, shove out the cylinder of bread and slice it however you like. Sam chose quarter-inch slices, which were just fine, I suppose. I asked him for half a can and slathered the slices with margarine. (The rest are in the fridge, in plastic wrap.) I am awarding B&M Brown Bread with our three-chopper rating.

Dense, dark and not as good as pumpernickel. Meh.

If you’re unable to bake your own bread any more due to health issues, lack of motivation or other assorted infirmities, B&M Brown Bread in a can is a very shitty substitute.

And now I’d like to review ARMOUR ROAST BEEF WITH GRAVY in a 12 oz. can that looks — but doesn’t taste — like tuna fish. Frankly, this is a mediocre little tin of food that compares unfavorably with Keystone Beef, which tastes exactly like wonderful homemade pot roast. Armour Roast Beef with Gravy is just a below-average copy floating in a cheap, uninteresting sauce. There’s not a lot of gravy here and far too little beef, which explains why I’m awarding this product with our three-chopper rating.

Armour Roast Beef with Gravy. Nice, but not as good as Keystone Beef.

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I’m having a goddamn difficult Friday evening. It’s 11:30 p.m., and the urinary tract infection from hell is searing its way through my body again — still — with sharp spasms and intermittent torpedoes of pain. (Effective opening sentence, eh?)

Tomorrow morning I’ll text my hospice administrator to find out what she can do for this recurring nightmare. I’ve already taken weeks and weeks of back-to-back antibiotics, so I’m really not sure what’s left for me ... but I’m definitely sick of THIS. And to make matters even worse tonight, there’s a fly in the room and it’s divebombing the TV. I think I want to kill myself.

Thank you for reading this. Please raise your hand if you want to volunteer to murder a fly. (Sam is sleeping.)