Do you have any idea how many glorious meals an elderly person can make from canned food?!

It’s Wednesday morning, and it’s good to be alive! I won’t get too dramatic with you (if I can help it), but lately I’m beginning to have a different view of life. For instance, I treasure every Popsicle … and I frequently ponder the beautiful canned goods in my pantry, a few of which include: 1) Del Monte Zucchini in Italian Style Tomato Sauce; 2) pickled beets; 3) Chef Boyardee Chili Mac, Mac & Cheese, Ravioli, and Spaghetti Rings with Fetal Meatballs; 4) Del Monte Whole New Potatoes; 5) Ro-Tel Diced Tomatoes; 6) Campbell’s Chicken Gravy. With a pantry like this, do you blame me? Do you have any idea how many glorious meals an elderly person can make from canned food like that?!

I must be hungry. There’s no other explanation for the first paragraph of this post.

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I’m beginning to get a little weird about something, boys and girls. Thirty days from now I’ll be living in a NURSING HOME while Sam goes to California to visit his friends and relatives. A nursing home. Jesus!

The logistics for this hoo-hah will include a morning ambulance ride to The Villages of Lake Highland on September 14, four nights in a private room with my slippers and my MacBook, and a trip back home on September 18 in another ambulance. However, because this is a nursing home — technically, a “skilled nursing facility” — my bariatric commode will have to come along, too, because they don’t have one. Oy. I can’t believe how much trouble I am! Not only do they have to shlep me in an ambulance, they also have to shlep my magnificent personal traveling toilet! The (almost) only burning question that remains is … where will I recharge my laptop? I hope there’s a plug on the nightstand next to my bed so I won’t have to irritate the nursing staff. (I need to stop worrying about stupid crap like this. Everybody has phones that need to be charged these days, too, so plugs are probably readily available.)

Sample private room at The Villages of Lake Highlands. Woo-hoo!

My other (almost) only concern are the wood floors. I can’t stand up, walk or get “traction” on anything but carpet. A few months ago I bought a 10-foot carpet runner — measuring 10' x 3' — to use in our front foyer hall at home, back in the days when I thought I could still walk. I think I’ll ask my hospice social worker to transport it for me. I’ll need a strip of carpet on the floor of my room so I can get to the commode without killing myself.

I’ll annoy my hospice social worker about this (and other pressing subjects) as we get closer to September 14.

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My precious cousin Bobby, who is four years older than yours truly and has proven himself quite frequently to be not short on funds whatsoever, was en route yesterday to (presumably) a retired Jewish academic’s number one luxury vacation destination: AZERBAIJAN ON THE CASPIAN SEA! That’s right, friends … Azerbaijan! Smack dab in the lap of Russia, close enough to fart on the capital of Iran (that would be Tehran) … and where your tour group accommodations include sleeping in the homes of private citizens, with toilet facilities featuring holes in the ground. (Oy.) I look forward to a well-written and neatly-typed vacation summary — with pictures — when he gets home!

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I’ve got a gigantic crowd of FREE FONTS for you this morning … nearly all of them from a to-die-for “bundle,” denoted by a blue circle with a white “B.” We’ve got quite an assortment today! Lovely scripts, precious hand-lettered fonts, and lots of adorable text fonts that I can use for children’s greeting cards and party invitation (to sell in The Howdygram Store). My personal favorites include “Emelyne,” “Argone,” “Aloe,” “Cookie Jar,” “Seagull,” “Fairytale,” “Bearly Awake,” “Extraordinary” and “Summertime.” In case you’re interested, the five dingbat fonts at the bottom — “KA All the Things,” “KA Spring Fling,” et al — are also from ”The KA Design Bundle” in addition to at least another 15 to 20 fonts that I didn’t include here (or install on my Mac). Download links will appear after the graphic.

Salto • Malicute • Emelyne • Argone • Adalicia • Quincy • Wanderlust 
Marlena • Porschey • The KA Design Bundle

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It’s 1:47 a.m. Thursday morning. I’m starving, but I’ll have to wait an awfully long time until I can get food from the kitchen! Sam and I are trying out a new system that will hopefully avoid future “burn out” issues (for him). For instance, from now on the kitchen will only be open during certain windows (10 to 11 a.m., 2 to 4 p.m., 7 to 9 p.m.), although Popsicles and beverages can be requested whenever I want them. In addition, “bench time” (sitting on the bench in front of my iMac workstation) is limited to 10 a.m. to 10 p.m., which means I’m not allowed to pull crazy all-nighters any more, staying up until 3 or 4 a.m. … because I turn into a fucking zombie. (This is, therefore, probably a fine idea.)

I think it’s time to wrap this up, say goodnight, and get on with my life: SLEEPING.

Thank you for reading this, and I have nothing whatsoever to say about the Alamo.