Trust me, crab boat fisherman are NOT air force test pilots “reaching into the unknown.”

Top o’ the morning to you! (Oy. I think I’m delirious.) It’s an overcast Thursday a.m., seriously windy, and even though I’m a housebound old coot my eyes are watering from all the springtime pollen flying around outside. Does any of this make sense?

Has your wee-wee ever looked like bayou sludge with alligators in it?

BIG FAT NEWS FLASH FOR EVERYBODY: It’s 2:30 Monday morning and I have another Shitty Mystery Fever! I woke up about an hour ago after a brief nap in the family room and BLAMMO ... I was shivering, I had body aches, my joints hurt like hell and I smashed a toe on the corner of our coffee table. (The smashed-toe incident has nothing whatsoever to do with a low-grade fever but I thought I’d throw it in because PAIN.) To cheer myself up I’ve decided to sit here at my desk in the study and entertain you for a while, okay?

It’s Triple Whammy Thursday at Howdygram headquarters.

Welcome to Triple Whammy Thursday at Howdygram headquarters, where the world’s best blogger (me) has been dealing with a lot of serious crapola this morning. And here’s my list for your possible interest.

Barry Manilow revealed today that he gay-married his long-time manager in 2014.

I’ve got all kinds of good news for you this afternoon, so let’s get started, okay? I’ll do my popular subtitled paragraph format to help you keep track of what’s what. Thank you.

The shitty mystery fever returns.

I lost a whole day yesterday. At 9 a.m. — about an hour after finishing my Thursday Howdygram post — my temperature skyrocketed to 103 and I got attacked by chills, joint and muscle pain and a pounding headache. As a result I dragged myself — wailing in pain and scaring the living crap out of Sam — back and forth from the bathroom to bed for the rest of the day and all night long. A couple of hours ago my shitty mystery fever finally broke and I found myself sprawled out in bed in a puddle of whatever secretes from the pores of a senior citizen in situations like this. Below was yesterday’s Shit-O-Meter report.

I’m having a very shitty day.

Even though I try hard to remain upbeat in the face of day-to-day adversity — chronic pain, diabetes, running out of braunschweiger — today I’m mostly feeling bummed out, defeated and shitty following an early-morning appointment with Dr. M. For your possible interest the sordid details appear below with helpful subtitles.

Here’s the news of the day from Howdygram headquarters in neat little subtitled paragraphs.

Because all the best putzes are politicians, for the time being there will be a self-imposed moratorium on our popular Putz of the Week award as part of my continuing campaign to prevent a BRAIN HEMORRHAGE by avoiding news websites and all human contact with anything that resembles politics or current events. That being said, I guess there really isn’t much else to do around here except write rambling Howdygram posts about what’s for dinner, old movies, record-setting naps and how pleasant it is to be a retired senior citizen with frequently-shitty mobility.

Holy crap, people. You do not want to sneeze at cellulitis.

Do you ever research your medical symptoms online like the rest of us stupid mortals? Be careful what you look for ... YOU MIGHT FIND OUT YOU REALLY HAVE IT.

When Sam and I went to bed a couple of hours ago I couldn’t fall asleep due to a nagging frantic fear that something is still seriously wrong with me. I’m sure you remember the shitty mystery fever that sent me to Baylor Hospital’s E.R. last Sunday, right? The hospital couldn’t pinpoint the cause of the fever because they suspected the cause might not have manifested itself yet ... AND THEY WERE RIGHT. Three days later (on Wednesday) Sam noticed a rash of strange insect bites above my left knee even though I haven’t spent any time outdoors since my second year of college, and now, today, a large area of my left thigh feels warm and sore to the touch. Combine all these weird and strangely-unrelated symptoms — fever, insect bites, rash, sore leg — and you know what you get? According to the Mayo Clinic’s handy-dandy middle-of-the-night nightmare-inducing website, it’s CELLULITIS. Holy crap, people. You do NOT want to sneeze at cellulitis, so I’ll have to call Dr. M’s office first thing Monday and make an appointment to see her right away.

What I did all day today. You may need coffee to stay awake.

Here’s a tidy rundown of my Tuesday activities in case you’re wondering what I did all day today. Please feel free to grab a cup of coffee if you’re afraid you might not stay awake. This shit’s not especially interesting, even to ME.

It’s obviously legal to be a sociopath in Arizona.

Good morning and I hope you’re having an above-average Tuesday even though it’s only 9:15. I was supposed to be in the podiatrist’s office RIGHT NOW but had to reschedule due to still feeling unmotivated and limp. Also fuck wearing a brassiere and leaving the house, especially after having another truly lousy night. My shitty mystery fever may be gone — hallelujah and yee-haw — but now I’m at war with HYPOGLYCEMIA. Trust me. I’m definitely NOT IN THE MOOD for additional crap and aggravation.

Meet our new American Standard water-saver toilet with a clever slow-close seat that doesn’t slam.

MAZEL TOV FROM TEXAS! We are now the proud owners of a shiny new American Standard Cadet® 3 water-saver toilet with a clever slow-close seat that never slams, a patented EverClean® surface “that inhibits the growth of stain and odor-causing bacteria,” and handy-dandy “no tools installation” that still required the strength of two men (our handyman brought a helper) or somebody will end up with a hernia.

I fell down yesterday and broke my favorite toilet.

Sam and I just spent the last four hours at Baylor Hospital’s emergency room due to me being really, really sick with a 104° fever and having a hard time catching my breath. They gave me “the works,” which included a peepee sample, an I.V., an EKG, a chest x-ray and lots of tubes of blood, which was NOT AN EASY ACCOMPLISHMENT because this involved stabbing me in both hands, both arms, my right shoulder and my right forearm (in three different places). Two nurses also attempted to catheterize me but stopped when I threatened to kill them.

Never again. Never, ever again.

Holy crap, people. I definitely jinxed myself in yesterday’s Howdygram post with a big, stupid rant about feeling swell and pain-free, because last night around 8:30 I started running that shitty mystery fever again, except this time it’s EXTREMELY HIGH — almost 102° — with severe body aches, muscle pain and chills. I have no other symptoms, just a high fever.

Tuesday’s deliveries and a shitty mystery fever.

As if a crippled heel, a crippled knee and a crippled hand aren’t enough ... I also just discovered I’ve got a SHITTY MYSTERY FEVER, which might explain why I’m also feeling lousy, clammy, achy and limp. I woke up a few minutes ago — it’s 4 a.m. — for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure, and if all goes well I’ll probably head back to bed very soon because lying down always feels better than sitting at a desk sucking TicTacs when a person has a fever.