This is very cool, people. I’ll never have to wait for butt wipes or Velveeta again!

There’s so much exciting shit going on here today I think I could have a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. To help keep it all straight and address each topic with equal emphasis I’ll divide this post into convenient subtitled sections. Because everybody knows how much I love convenient subtitled sections!

Hey, boys and girls ... it’s time to buy your tickets for the main event!

We’re making remarkable progress here. Today the crew from Kitchen Solvers — actually, just one very punctual bald dude whose name is Randy — attached our new cabinet doors, drawers and crown moldings, and Sam got so damn excited he documented the metamorphosis with his iPhone. However I think I’ll hold off posting any “after” pictures until the kitchen is clean and the counters are cleared off. Please stay tuned for another 24 hours, okay? The transformation is INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL and even better than Bruce Caitlyn Jenner’s “Vanity Fair” cover.

Caitlyn Jenner is damn adorable for a senior citizen.

Glorioski. It’s 5:15 p.m. and finally quiet enough to concentrate on a Howdygram post! We had a pair of talented carpenters — Eric and Randy — here from Kitchen Solvers since the crack of dawn tearing out our old kitchen cabinets, sanding, drilling, hammering and shlepping materials back and forth from a temporary work station in the garage. THIS WAS NOISY AS FUCK. More than once I was on the verge of a screaming migraine so I spent the entire day at my desk in the study with a cold rag on my forehead. They left about 20 minutes ago and the silence is deafening.

I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything, I don’t give a shit.

It occurs to me that I don’t have very much going on in my life. Even though I manage to fill this blog with daily rants and diatribes about politics, putzes, knee pain, what I bought from Amazon and guess what I’m eating for dinner, I’m still just a housebound senior citizen with crap knees who practically can’t walk. I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything, I don’t give a shit and I haven’t worn a brassiere since I got my first set of dentures in 2010. (Seriously.)

The big day is June 1, everybody. That’s the day Kitchen Solvers will be here to start refacing our cabinets!

Happy Wednesday night from Howdygram headquarters, y’all. I just found out that we’re expecting another run of heavy rain — yep, more rain! — starting overnight tonight and stretching through the three-day Memorial Day weekend as indicated by the Weather.com forecast posted below.

Romney is preparing to get creamed by another black man.

Another day, another steaming pile of HOT NEWS for the Howdygram. Oh boy, right? Today’s themes include political announcements, Marcy goes shopping and decorating dilemmas. So grab yourself a Marcytini, rip open a bag of Cheetos and get comfortable!

I love my nuke-able bowls of Chef Boyardee fetal ravioli.

Holy crap. There’s so much to write about today I almost don’t know where to start! Maybe I’ll try organizing my thoughts into convenient subtitled paragraphs BECAUSE THIS IS MY BLOG AND I WANT TO.

Do we look like we just fell off a turnip truck?

It’s 4:45 p.m. and so far I’ve survived Triple Whammy Thursday with no additional whammies to report at this time, thank God. My temperature is holding steady at 99° (I can live with it) so I’ve been amusing myself with cart-stuffing at a few of my favorite web stores as I plan to redecorate the kitchen after we have our cabinets refaced. This will include a large black kitchen étagère that measures 74" by 48" by 18" and a number of excellent black wicker storage bins in assorted sizes. I LOVE THIS STUFF. (It’s all from Wal-Mart because the prices on Amazon were higher.)

Happy Birthday Queen Elizabeth.

Holy crap, guys ... I completely forgot to announce a very important birthday today in case you’re looking for a reason to eat cake! The Howdygram would like to send its very best wishes to Queen Elizabeth — the number one royal of them all — who’s celebrating her 89th birthday. I’ll bet she and Prince Phil ordered a few caviar pizzas tonight for the kids and grandchildren. (Tiaras optional.)

Sam is so goddamn adorable I want to eat him on a bagel.

I always enjoy the promise of a shiny new day, especially when I felt like COMPLETE TOTAL CRAP when I went to bed the night before. It must be something about end-of-the-day fatigue that makes the pain in my body exponentially worse. Every night without fail I drag myself from the family room to the bedroom whining, crying, dizzy, slightly nauseated, out of breath and scaring the bejeezus out of Sam who, I must admit, has finally figured out how to cope with this quite well. Instead of trying to help me (which he really can’t) he stands a few feet ahead of me barking encouragement like a middle school football coach, such as YOU’RE ALMOST THERE! YOU CAN DO IT! GREAT JOB! ONLY A FEW MORE STEPS TO GO! Sam is so goddamn adorable I want to eat him on a bagel.

Today’s intense pain requires a large volume of Chinese food and a Shit-O-Meter update.

Because my day has been a never-ending bombardment of excitement, decisions, leftovers, crappy naps and missing weather I thought it might be fun to take an in-depth look at Thursday so you’ll know what the hell I’m talking about.

Sam has a nervous breakdown whenever he sees me eating out of a can.

There are TWO HUGE NEWS STORIES today from Howdygram headquarters. If this interests you, please continue reading immediately.

Nobody really gives a crap about fancy-ass oil-rubbed bronze drawer pulls.

And so it begins! The Howdygram’s 2015 Kitchen Cabinet Remodeling Hoo-Hah will commence Tuesday morning with a visit from a Home Depot design specialist. I’m looking for a dark wood veneeer finish (right now we have maple) with the addition of a corner storage unit because you can never have too many shelves for your Hormel canned tamales. However, Sam thinks we should skip the cabinet hardware because nobody really gives a crap about fancy-ass oil-rubbed bronze drawer pulls or brushed nickel knobs. And they would probably wind up costing a million dollars, anyway.