Gravy is my new favorite food group.

So it’s late Thursday afternoon, it’s raining, and I just woke up from my second extended nap of the day due to not getting any sleep last night whatsoever (again). ZERO SLEEP. I’m not sure what’s going on, but somehow I managed to cheer myself up for a few minutes by spending a large sum of dough for the following fine merchandise from Amazon.

Okay, I might be kidding about the large sum of dough. It actually was $12 for the big canister of gravy mix — gravy is my NEW FAVORITE FOOD GROUP — and $5.99 for the Epson photo paper. I’m particularly excited about the McCormick crapola because fake meat juice will be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT on the canned meat for senior citizens that I ordered from Brinkman Farms. My canned meat is being delivered today by UPS. Any minute now, as a matter of fact.

I’ve got some breaking news from our Holy Crap We’re Really Having a Lot of Weather Today department. I’ll start with the latest graphics from the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com. (The red star on the map indicates Howdygram headquarters.)

We’ve had about an inch of rain so far today at Howdygram headquarters with another three or four expected by tomorrow. However two hapless towns just north of Dallas — Denton and Valley View — had themselves a TWELVE-INCH DOWNPOUR this morning, and all roads, highways and ramps are completely underwater, particularly on I-35 where authorities are trying to remove hundreds of submerged 18-wheelers on the main thoroughfare between Dallas and Oklahoma City. Oy, right? THEY’RE SUBMARINES!

I don’t think I’ve ever shared one of my favorite old lady hobbies with y’all: TELLING COLLECTION AGENCIES TO DROP DEAD. Ever since we moved to Texas seven years ago we’ve received a steady stream of collection calls — even a few who wanted me to think they were Mafia leg-breakers — for a deadbeat named Rachel [last name withheld because I don’t know how to spell it] who apparently had our telephone number once. The calls finally petered out a year or two ago (glorioski) but the phone rang today during nap number one and when I listened to the voice mail afterwards IT WAS ANOTHER DEBT COLLECTOR FOR RACHEL. So I called back and eventually had an opportunity to tell an agent to take my telephone number off their stupid call list because: 1) I’m really crabby; 2) I don’t give two shits if anybody owes you money; 3) I don’t know anybody named Rachel; and 4) STOP RUINING MY DAMN NAPS ALREADY.

Thank you for reading this. I mean it.