A mental hospital is the perfect address for gun rights activists.

Know why I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday? BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO. Actually, I might be lying a little. I really DID want to but I got caught up in a bunch of other baloney that included all of the following: 1) blowing off my 9:30 a.m. appointment with Dr. M due to getting zero sleep the night before and feeling like total shit; 2) designing, printing and addressing our Hanukkah and generic nondenominational unoffensive seasons greetings cards; 3) a four-hour nap directly related to item number one; 4) a late afternoon hypoglycemic episode; and 5) watching Wednesday’s recorded episode of “Top Chef,” during which Adam got eliminated for serving the judges squeaky uncooked shrimp and George rejoined the cast after a sudden death cookoff against Katie, who made a clearly lousy braised rabbit.

The Howdygram would like to extend its best wishes to the vibrating residents of Napa Valley, California.

And now for something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. It’s 4:15 a.m., I just woke up for no reason at all AND I FEEL TERRIFIC. As a matter of fact, I’ve been feeling terrific for the last several days and I can attribute my good fortune to the following: 1) I’m taking Naproxen twice a day; and 2) the month-long plantar fasciitis flare-up in my left heel is history. As a result, for the first time in maybe three years I’M COMPLETELY PAIN-FREE. It’s a life-changer.

Welcome to the decadent life of a housebound senior citizen.

Even though you might think it’s not much fun being a stay-at-home retired senior citizen with shitty knees and feet, most of the time you’d be REALLY WRONG. My life at Howdygram headquarters includes a wide variety of interesting activities and decadent perks, which I’ll outline for you below in subtitled paragraphs.

My shitload of exciting Tuesday news bulletins plus a “Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap.

It’s Tuesday and I’ve got a shitload of exciting news bulletins to share with you. So many, in fact, that I almost don’t know where to start!

Canned bacon and some Sunday night TV recommendations.

As I prepare for a Sunday nap-a-thon that’s scheduled to begin within the next half-hour I thought I’d include this addendum to yesterday’s post about the joys of canned meat for senior citizens. Today’s happy Internet discovery is Pleasant Hill Grain, where a person can buy the same kind of products I recently found at Brinkman Farms — canned turkey! canned chicken! canned ground beef! — plus the added hysteria of real canned bacon. Yes, friends, I’m serious: PLEASANT HILL GRAIN SELLS BACON IN A CAN, and it’s cooked, ready to eat and costs only $13.49 for 52 slices rolled up in paper! Sam and I almost never eat bacon but I think we might have to give this exciting product a shot.

Just in time for your weekend cookout: Mad Cow Disease.

Another day, another two tons of toxic meat! The USDA has just recalled more than 4,000 pounds of beef due to a “remote” risk of Mad Cow Disease contamination. Some of it — in the form of bone-in ribeye roasts — was being sold fresh at Whole Foods. Shoppers beware: OVERPRICED DOES NOT MEAN SAFE.

If you want to feel better about your life just watch an episode of “People’s Court.”

People, I just figured out the secret of the universe. If you want to feel better about your life JUST WATCH AN EPISODE OF “PEOPLE’S COURT.” After 60 minutes of this annoying angst you’ll swear you’re Princess Grace of Monaco.