July is Ronald Colman Month on Turner Classic Movies. Woo-hoo!

Yo, shalom, and howdy-do from hot and sweaty north Texas! It’s 80° at 8 a.m. with an expected high of 95° by mid-afternoon and humidity in the range of 60%. The air will feel like a SWAMP. I can’t recall what this intense heat feels like nor do I want to open the front door to experience this shit for myself, as I’m perfectly content at my desk in an air-conditioned house, without shoes or a brassiere, drinking Crystal Light Peach-Mango tea. I FUCKING LOVE RETIREMENT.

Everybody likes a friendly feel now and then, right?

Hello, howdy-do, shalom and how’s the family from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! It’s 3 a.m. and I’m waiting for a line of thunderstorms to roll through here. I’m not holding my breath, however, because Weather.com is run by lying sacks of poo, and the bulk of the rain — which should have been here THREE HOURS AGO — is still hovering northeast of Abilene. The teeny red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. Wave to me. It gets lonely here in the middle of the night. (Thank you.)

Hey ... did you miss me?

I apologize sincerely if you’ve been hanging out in cyberspace, depressed, despondent and desperately waiting for my next Howdygram post. The fact is, I got caught up in a variety of other activities that required my attention but didn’t involve typing, which I’ll list for you below in neat, subtitled paragraphs. (I have a fondness for neat, subtitled paragraphs.) Thank you.

If you play your cards right I might be back later.

Hello and a very happy Saturday morning from the pleasant people here at Howdygram headquarters. (Okay ... it’s actually just Sam and me.) As I write this post my significant other is preparing for a junket to Costco for an iPhone charger because he can’t find the one he took to Seattle earlier in the week, and I’m deciding whether or not to place an order with Prime Now, Amazon’s amazing new FREE ONE-HOUR DELIVERY service for thousands of swell products including groceries, dairy, pudding and Amy’s organic frozen pizza rolls. Woo hoo!

Trust me, people ... as a retired senior citizen there’s nothing worse than dreaming that you’re still employed.

I have an “issue,” guys. Last week Dr. M doubled my dose of Gabapentin to try and relieve more of my neuropathy pain. While it definitely seems to be working as intended, it’s also making me loopy, weird, dazed, dizzy and I’m having crazy dreams. (Also a chocolate craving.) In the mornings after I take Gabapentin with Benazepril (for high blood pressure),  Norco (my prescription painkiller) and Metoprolol (to slow down my heart rate), the overall hoo-hah is even WORSE and I’m lucky if I can stay awake for a whole hour.

Introducing Mentally Ill Senior Citizen Spaghetti with Gigantic Flat Meatballs.

Happy Saturday to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters. It’s nearly 8 p.m. and I’ve done nothing of any consequence whatsoever today except for eating lunch with Sam and making it all the way to the bathroom three times without pishing in the hall. Thrilling milestones, right? A cold snap has me feeling achy, crappy and listless so I’ve been taking an extra pain pill every once in a while. Thank God I have the perfect life of a handicapped retired senior citizen; I have nowhere to go and nothing to do, I haven’t bothered to wear a brassiere since 2008 and I only own one pair of shoes.

Millions of older Americans wear adult diapers, so shut up and go eat some Ritz crackers.

Today I’ve got a nice yet moderately short stack of brand new free fonts for your possible interest. Download links appear below the graphic. Incidentally, “Cargan” includes 16 styles (eight weights with italics for each) and lots of alternate letters!

What the fuck ... I’m retired!

I’m not having an especially terrific week. The biggest issue — as usual — is PAIN, this time involving my shitty knees, my shitty feet, my shitty recurring rash and stiffness in my shitty right shoulder and upper arm. THIS SUCKS, PEOPLE. And adding to this mess is an ongoing problem with shortness of breath. Basically I drag myself around the house whining, crying, swearing like a sailor and gasping for air ... probably the most repulsive sight on God’s green earth not counting Donald Trump.

Pancakes, cleavage, pudding and crappy meatballs: How to celebrate Veterans Day.

It’s Monday morning at Howdygram headquarters and I’m pleased to report that Sam finally went to bed at 7:45 a.m. after working almost 24 straight hours, nearly half of it downtown at the office. Whether or not he actually goes back to work this afternoon remains to be seen because he looks and feels like the walking dead. Shaving might help. Also a nice hot meal.

Design tweaks, disappointment and a tidbit from our Apparently Not All Politicians Suck department.

It’s no wonder why I’ve always got so damn much chronic pain: I DON’T GET ENOUGH SLEEP. Holy crap, right? Aside from ongoing exhaustion, my complaints du jour also include watery eyes, a runny nose, shitty burning feet, shitty stiff knees, shitty crippled hands and zero motivation to empty the dishwasher.

Motivation and a Marcytini ... the perfect catalyst for a Howdygram post.

It’s another hot and sweaty fall afternoon here in north Texas. Our landscapers just finished mowing for the zillionth time since April, our maid is vacuuming the master bedroom, and I’m comfortably parked at my desk with motivation and a Marcytini ... the perfect catalyst for a Howdygram post. I’ll probably stop halfway, though, for a nap. Because RETIREMENT!

I’m requesting a motorized chaise lounge on wheels for Hanukkah this year.

I knew it was just a matter of time. Last night I got a frantic phone call from one of my ex-clients who’s having a brain hemorrhage from the shitty customer service at Web.com, the miserable company that continued hosting her website after I retired a few months ago. Web.com apparently never credited her September hosting payment, shut down her website and email, and now they’re demanding a password in order to reinstate her service ... except NOBODY EVER ASKED HER TO SET A PASSWORD when we transferred her account back in June. Since I no longer have any connection whatsoever to Web.com — thank God! — I really didn’t know what to suggest, so I decided to give her my old administrator password and told her to give it a shot. I  have no idea if this actually worked or not but I seriously don’t give a crap. I’M RETIRED, DAMN IT. I’M NEVER ANSWERING THE PHONE AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

If you want to tell me about your email I’m always willing to listen. I even promise not to laugh

As far as most Thursdays go mine has been fucking AWESOME. There are so many reasons I almost don’t know where to start so I’ll just spew a bunch of words at random and hope you’ll hang on for the ride. Thank you.

Welcome to the decadent life of a housebound senior citizen.

Even though you might think it’s not much fun being a stay-at-home retired senior citizen with shitty knees and feet, most of the time you’d be REALLY WRONG. My life at Howdygram headquarters includes a wide variety of interesting activities and decadent perks, which I’ll outline for you below in subtitled paragraphs.

Here’s the news of the day from Howdygram headquarters in neat little subtitled paragraphs.

Because all the best putzes are politicians, for the time being there will be a self-imposed moratorium on our popular Putz of the Week award as part of my continuing campaign to prevent a BRAIN HEMORRHAGE by avoiding news websites and all human contact with anything that resembles politics or current events. That being said, I guess there really isn’t much else to do around here except write rambling Howdygram posts about what’s for dinner, old movies, record-setting naps and how pleasant it is to be a retired senior citizen with frequently-shitty mobility.

Thanks to some cheerful U.S. mail I am no longer very crabby.

A few hours ago I decided to write a Howdygram post about being VERY CRABBY TODAY. Fortunately for all concerned I’m feeling a whole bunch less crabby now than I did then, thanks to a long nap after lunch and some cheerful U.S. mail that Sam dropped on my desk before he left for work. This included all of the following.

Convenience products can prevent hysterics in the kitchen due to not being able to stand at the stove.

I’m officially mad about a thing, people. YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON ME. Last night I discovered — COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT — that Libby’s makes tuna-style pouches of COOKED AND SEASONED CRUMBLY GROUND BEEF that are shelf-stable, very cheap (only $1.98) and intensely popular with savvy senior citizen reviewers on the interwebs. WHY DIDN’T ANYBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS? I just ordered a bunch of them from Wal-Mart plus three cans of Manwich to make up for lost time.

My shitload of exciting Tuesday news bulletins plus a “Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap.

It’s Tuesday and I’ve got a shitload of exciting news bulletins to share with you. So many, in fact, that I almost don’t know where to start!

Introducing the Howdygram’s Top Ten List of Fun Activities for Housebound Senior Citizens.

This is your lucky day, people! Today is the first of July and I’ve just decided to post my new Top Ten List of Fun Activities for Housebound Senior Citizens, which appears below for your possible interest. I strongly recommend that you take notes because if you’re not a senior citizen yet you probably will be, eventually. So here goes.

May 2014 was “Older Americans Month” and I didn’t get one stinking present.

Hi, everybody! Happy, happy Sunday! There are many wonderful things to squeal about this morning and I’ll list them for you here in ALL CAPS so you’ll know how excited I am: 1) SAM IS COMING HOME TODAY and his flight leaves L.A. at 9 a.m. Pacific time; 2) IT’S RAINING AGAIN (genuine graphic proof from Weather.com appears below); and 3) I think that’s it. But Sam coming home and rain are definitely more than enough. In case you’re wondering, the red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. LOOK AT ALL THAT RAIN!