With any luck maybe we’ll get to see Interpol drag Lindsay Lohan’s sorry ass back to the U.S. in shackles.

Yo from Howdygram headquarters the land of Oz, where once again we’re facing SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNINGS, a TORNADO WATCH and a 70% chance of exploding clouds, hailstones and flying monkeys. We’re in store for more of the same tomorrow, too — on Mother’s Day! — and also most of next week, as you’ll see for yourself on the Weather.com screen shot posted below. This is epitome of a holy crap weather forecast.

Our Putz of the Week, sphincter-face Orrin Hatch, has an alternative to Obamacare.

Hello, dear readers, and Happy Early Friday Morning from Howdygram headquarters to you and yours! I have some important updates from my last post plus a shitload of new information ... because INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW, right? I’ll use subtitled paragraphs to keep everything nice and organized. Thank you for putting up with me.

The best cheap and perfect snack combo ever invented.

I apologize for not writing a Howdygram post yesterday but I was asleep in the family room all day, resulting from two nights of severe insomnia and outrageously shitty knee pain due to not getting any rest whatsoever. I am presently feeling much better, although please note it’s 5:15 a.m. and I might force myself to go back to bed with very little advance notice. (If I suddenly stop typing you’ll know why.)

Even if I watched “Ben-Hur” a thousand times I don’t think I could ever find fault with a single minute of it.

Warmest greetings from slumberland, where your celebrated Howdygram editrix has been gloriously semi-conscious since breakfast this morning. Translation: I’M FINALLY GETTING SOME GODDAMN SLEEP. Following my weekly Sausage McMuffin I went back to bed at 9 a.m. and slept until 12:30, ate a memorable lunch from Five Guys and conked out in the family room from 1:15 until 5, successfully sleeping through Murder at the Gallop (1963) starring Margaret Rutherford, Chocolat (2000) starring Juliette Binoche and Judi Dench, and The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984) starring Gregory Hines, Joan Rivers and a pile of puppets. THIS HAS BEEN A GLORIOUS DAY, enhanced even further by my favorite weekly cold leftover hot dog still waiting for me in the family room with extra pickles. Life doesn’t get much better than this, people. It just doesn’t.

Cheap Epson photo paper is nothing at which to sneeze in any way whatsoever.

You might not believe this, but I never got around to writing a post yesterday because the entire day was packed with too many other compelling things to do! For instance: 1) a really wet shower with hot water; 2) lunch; 3) a three-hour nap; 4) dinner; and 5) watching Sam sleep through two fine movies. These were: White Cargo (1942), a hilariously atrocious misery festival set in 1910 on a sweaty African rubber plantation starring Walter Pidgeon, Richard Carlson and Hedy Lamarr; and Advise & Consent (1962), an Otto Preminger drama/mystery/thriller gem about bullshit in the U.S. Senate starring nearly everybody in Hollywood.

Soup is the answer to everything.

I’ve got some frightening news for you. It’s 3:45 in the afternoon and, due to lots of naps, I haven’t eaten a meal yet today. NOT A SINGLE CRUMB. Not even a snack! However as soon as my maid leaves — I’m guessing within the next 15 minutes — I’ll immediately throw together a nice big pot of Marcy’s Famous One-Pot Asian Food Feast for Senior Citizens because it’s cold outside and raining, starvation can’t continue forever and soup is the answer to EVERYTHING.