Without Amazon I never would have known the joy of a canned meat subscription.

It’s good to be back with you this afternoon! I just woke up from the World’s Shortest Unexplained Nap — less than 35 stinking minutes — due to a crazy dream that MY INTESTINES WERE READY TO EXPLODE and I had get to a bathroom as fast as possible. Fortunately I made it to the bathroom, my intestines DID NOT explode, so now I’m parked at my desk with a nice little bottle of ice cold Coke Zero while I wait for a burst of bloggular creativity. If all else fails I’ve decided to shoot for another nap after my next dose of hardcore narcotics at 4 p.m. Thank you.

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The big story this week at Howdygram headquarters: AMAZON IS READY TO SHIP MY MARCH SUBSCRIBE & SAVE ORDER. This month’s treasures include four bottles of SweetLeaf apricot drops; Keystone chunky and ground beef in cans for senior citizens who stopped cooking when their knees gave out; a three-bag set of Planters fruit & nut trail mix; and a big can of Planters tasty whole cashews with extra grease and salt at no additional charge.

God bless Amazon, people. Without them I never would have known the joy of a canned meat subscription.

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I’ve got breaking news from our Really Strange Shit I’ve Started Doing But Can’t Explain department: I don’t eat dinner any more until Sam gets home from work at 9:30 p.m. After giving this situation some serious ponderation I’ve come up with two possible explanations. First, I think I might be scared of falling down again while transporting food from the kitchen to the family room [see earlier post] because my new prescription painkiller — I LOVE MY HYDROCODONE! — makes me feel strung-out almost all the time, and second, I love having help in the kitchen due to my shitty knees won’t let me stand up for more than two minutes at a time.

Regardless, it’s 9:25 p.m., Sam is on his way home and I’ll finally get to eat. Tonight I think I’ll ask him to make me Marcy’s World-Famous Senior Citizen Thanksgiving Bowl with extra gravy!