I don’t want to jinx myself or anything, but I FEEL REALLY TERRIFIC TODAY. The excruciating pain in my left heel (from plantar fasciitis) has dropped from a level 10 to a level 2 on the Official Howdygram Agony Scale, I have zero pain whatsoever in my arthritic knees, and for the time being most of my other frequent complaints are currently nonexistent, too. These would include such ailments as scary-low body temperature, crappy bladder control, useless hands due to diabetic peripheral neuropathy and a very itchy back.
So why, you may ask, is this happening? I give all the credit for my health transformation to ONE SIGNIFICANT THING: At the beginning of August an emergency room physician at Baylor Hospital [see previous
post] started me on prescription-strength Naproxen, which is the god of anti-inflammatory drugs. NAPROXEN IS CHANGING MY LIFE. And the best part is, Sam is taking a week off work at the end of September and if I’m still feeling swell we’ll be able to get away for a few days. ROAD TRIP! NEW SCENERY! MOTELS! CAR GAMES! CASINOS! CHINESE BUFFETS! (Okay, probably not Chinese buffets.)
For the record, I think Chinese buffets are MAGICAL but Sam hates them, although I’ll never quite understand why he isn’t attracted to endless bins of oily mystery meats and fetal shrimp in tasty sauce. He insists it has something to do with food poisoning.
I guess this is the perfect segue because now I need to call your attention to a few new grocery recalls due to SALMONELLA. First, tests at the McCormick spice company have turned up salmonella contamination affecting as many as 1,032 cases of GROUND OREGANO. Contaminated jars were sold in 40 states and 10 countries other than the United States. These are the squat little .75 ounce jars with “best buy” dates of August 21 or 22, 2016. Please contact McCormick directly at 1-800-632-5847 for a refund and an apology.
Second, Hain Celestial Group, Inc. announced on Tuesday that Arrowhead Mills organic peanut butter and MaraNatha all natural almond butter and peanut butter are being recalled for salmonella contamination. (A nice dose of irony, isn’t it? They’re organic, all natural, over-priced and POISONED.) Also included are some lots of private label almond butter sold at Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Kroger and Safeway. A total of 45 production lots are affected. The FDA says it doesn’t know exactly how many jars of nut butters are being recalled because the company refuses to comment. WHAT A BUNCH OF JERKS.
I know you’ve been waiting for this one: I’m finally ready to review YODERS CANNED BACON FOR SENIOR CITIZENS. This is fully-cooked bacon that comes rolled up on sheets of terrifyingly-greasy wax paper; you have to remove both ends of the can and basically shove it out. After you unroll the paper, however, you’ve got about 50 normal-size strips of gorgeous cooked bacon that are slightly chewy and perfectly edible at room temperature if you’re an impatient old person. THIS STUFF IS ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS and you’d never know you had to pry it out of a can. Feel free to nuke your bacon for a few seconds to warm it up.
Incidentally, I recommend removing all the bacon from the paper and storing your leftovers in a nice Ziploc bag in the fridge.
And finally, I thought I’d like to close with RICK PERRY’S MUGSHOT when he turned himself in yesterday at the Travis County Jail in Austin, Texas. Perry has been indicted on two felony charges related to allegations that his office tried to force Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg to resign from her elected position. Naturally, Governor Hairdo is now on a defiant “I’m untouchable” tour of conservative talk shows ... comically reminiscent of disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s failed attempt to drum up sympathy before he was convicted on racketeering charges and sentenced to 14 years in a federal penitentiary.
Here’s the best part. Edwin Walker, a Houston attorney who represents gun owners — yes, you can build a successful law practice on this in Texas — told the American-Statesman that Perry can’t buy any any new guns and he can’t carry concealed weapons while he’s under indictment. There are no restrictions on the long guns he already owns, however, so he can join up with the muzzlestroking patriots of Open Carry Texas and walk into Home Depot with an AR-15 on his shoulder. Walker also noted that Perry can no longer carry a holstered handgun to kill coyotes while jogging on public property. He actually did this in 2010.
Thank you for your continued support and have a nice day, okay?
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