Getting hysterical about Republican shitheads could be detrimental to my overall well-being.

Wow. Good morning! It’s 10:25 a.m., Sam just got home from Wal-Mart with my Coumadin refill, and I’m finishing up a few last-minute Christmas card creations for The Howdygram Store. In case you’re interested, designing Christmas cards is far better than trying to digest the news from America’s dumpster fire in Congress. What the fuck is wrong with those people!?

Of course he did! Our Moron-in-Chief stared at the fucking sun during today’s solar eclipse.

Yo, howdy, hi-de-ho and how the hell are you? It’s Monday night here at Howdygram headquarters, and I have to make a ridiculous confession: I FORGOT ABOUT THE SOLAR ECLIPSE TODAY. The error came to my attention about an hour ago when I checked my Facebook page and saw selfies from damn near everybody I know — and all their relatives — with their nerd glasses on. Holy shit.

I love my life … with the exception of my left foot.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday from Howdygram headquarters. However, I hope you don’t think that “headquarters” means we’ve got a bustling newsroom here ... because we don’t. We’ve just got one housebound senior citizen in a bathrobe — yours truly — eating leftover egg salad at 1:45 in the morning.

The Howdygram bids farewell to Martin Landau.

Shalom and howdy, everybody! It’s 5 o’clock Tuesday morning and I just finished prepping for this Howdygram post. This includes: 1) Googling images for today’s feature about Princess Anne; 2) organizing, cropping and framing the images mentioned in item one; 3) installing today’s free fonts on my iMac; 4) designing today’s free fonts sample list, especially “Diamond Monogram”; and 5) choosing and sizing today’s free digital background images, clipart and assorted doodads from Creative Market.

Let’s hope a new national hero will emerge in 2017 to bring down the Trumps.

Shalom and hi-de-ho to you and yours! It’s a few minutes past 3 a.m. and I’m wide awake due to a full day of extended and consecutive naps on Monday. I wasn’t being a slug, per se … I was just doing my best to deal with some fucked-up pain issues (an official Shit-O-Meter readout appears below) and there’s only one way to do that: RECLINING ... with good drugs, Tic Tacs and Myrna Loy movies.

Our tree has bugs on it.

Yo, everybody. It’s 2:25 a.m., and I just woke up from a juicy extended nap and entertainment break in the family room that included an episode of “People’s Court,” Broadway Melody of 1940 starring Fred Astaire and Eleanor Powell, and the first 45 minutes of The Eddy Duchin Story (1956) starring Tyrone Power and Kim Novak, because at that point I had to get up and pish already.

Sam and I can’t accept the agonizing reality that an orangutan is living in the White House.

Hi, people. I wanted to unwind for a while with the Howdygram because it’s been another crazy national news day and my brain is completely fried. The big headline of the moment ... apparently Trump blabbered top secret intelligence information to the Russian spies he hosted last week in the Oval Office. You know, just to show off. The entire world is on high alert because of Donald Trump’s incompetence, and he proves his critics right — once again — this time by trying to impress RUSSIAN SPIES!

Adobe fonts were unbelievably expensive in the 1980s. A lot like buying lox.

Hey. Hi, everybody. It’s 4 a.m. and I’m totally jazzed and wide awake in the middle of the night, probably because Sam and I both conked out in the family room after dinner and slept for about four hours. When I woke up at 1 a.m. I decided to migrate into the study to horse around with my brand new iMac ... and I’m still horsing around.

I can’t be funny when I feel like shit.

I’ve got a yooge revelation for you, boys and girls: I CAN’T BE FUNNY WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT. For the last seven days the skin on the back of my thighs felt like it was burned with a blow torch, and whenever this happens — more often than I care to admit — absolutely NOTHING makes me comfortable. Not even White Castle cheeseburgers or a few extra doses of Norco. The cause of all this is DIABETIC PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY, the same crap that: 1) makes my toes scream; 2) shoots intense pain through my left heel and “electric shocks” down the outside of my thighs; and 3) turns my hands and fingers numb. I’m presently experiencing all of the above.

One of my favorite human beings has died.

Holy crap, I really didn’t mean to do this again. It’s been FIVE WHOLE DAYS since my last post! I haven’t been sick, thank God, just all wrapped up in my other favorite addiction ... namely, creating new greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Here are three of my latest designs for your possible interest. There are 14 new cards in all and I’m still uploading the artwork, writing descriptions, choosing keywords and so on. This is a tedious — but seriously BIG FUN — process.

Bill Pullman isn’t dead.

Happy Tuesday morning, boys and girls! It’s 7:20 a.m. and Sam is on his way to work as I write this post ... his first day at a BRAND NEW JOB after four glorious months of rest and downtime at home. This is the first new job he’s had in more than 12 years and (with any luck) it will be his LAST. Sam actually considers this to be semi-retirement, with a return to commercial printing, no stress and normal daytime hours.

Sam brought home dinner from Eatzi’s. We ate like we hadn’t seen food for a month.

Hello, shalom, hi-de-ho and happy Thursday morning from Howdygram headquarters! It’s my plan to be asleep on the chaise in the family room within the next 60 minutes so I’ll have to type like a maniac to squeeze everything into this post as fast as I can. You might also need to know that I’m still recovering from a bout of overall ill health, a statement that includes all of the following complaints: 1) arthritis pain in my knees; 2) watery eyes; 3) a substantial fever above 99°; 4) burning skin issues on the back of both thighs; and 5) rather serious neuropathy pain in the heel of my left foot and also three toes. (The other two toes feel fine. It’s sweet of you to worry about them.)

Sarah Palin, the end of an error.

Hello, shalom, yo, how’s the family, hi-de-ho and happy Saturday morning from Howdygram headquarters! You will surely be pleased to note that I finally flipped myself into a normal sleeping pattern and woke up today at 9:15 after half a dozen pleasant hours of uninterrupted overnight sleep. Holy crap, right? And waking up early-ish also affords me the opportunity to eat a favorite breakfast ... Hormel Compleats Real Meatloaf with Nice Mashed Taters and Tan Sauce! This is amazing!

Outrageously happy is an excellent thing to be.

I love my life, people, and being retired has some outstanding perks and benefits. These include: 1) sleeping and eating whenever the hell I want to; 2) spending all day dicking around with the Howdygram and nobody tells me to stop it and do something else; 3) I have no problem whatsoever being immobile with shitty knees because I love being housebound with Sam, my leather chaise and our new 60-inch TV; and 4) I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2011.

Sam is at Dealey Plaza right now, getting ready for his first-ever protest hoo-hah.

I’m still dicking around with the Howdygram. Thursday afternoon I changed the wood background in the banner (again) and in the matching copyright section at the bottom of the right sidebar. A few more changes will show up tomorrow ... if I can stay awake long enough. This doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, because I had nine hours of sleep overnight but never really snapped out of it. An hour after I woke up I was ready to lie down again. I’m upside-down.

Please remember the Alamo tonight after you floss, okay?

Sam and Josh went “gallavanting” today. Due to inclement weather — i.e., an ice storm — in Oklahoma they had to skip their excursion to the Choctaw Casino in favor of sleeping late and a bowl of oatmeal followed by a driving tour of nearby cattle country, which is practically across the street. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) cattle ranches. Seriously, I wouldn’t kid you about cattle ranches.

Trump says he has a secret trusted advisor on cyber security and Russian hacking.

Don’t look now ... but 2016 finally ground to a halt last night! I’m 65, and I’m positive that this was the most exhausting, revolting, emotionally-draining year I can ever remember ... even taking into account 1986 (finding out I had uterine cancer) and 1995 (divorcing my first husband). Therefore, in light of the obvious obstacle to happiness in the year ahead — i.e., Donald J. Trump, unless we can impeach the jerk by mid-February — I will instead wish each of you, and yours, a tolerable 2017. If we can squeak by with “tolerable” maybe I’ll finally be able to digest my food again.

I’m tired, I’m cold, I have to pee and I still have to shoot a bunch of insulin. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

I’ll begin with an apology for not writing a Howdygram post yesterday or the day before. I am without excuse, so just get over it, okay? (Thank you.)

I’ll never eat those goddamn frozen egg rolls again.

Hello from Howdygram headquarters on a wet and unexpectedly warm Christmas Day. It’s 80° here, people, and it’s also overcast and drizzling. We were supposed to get thunderstorms an hour ago but apparently Weather.com was lying again. (They’re pathological about it.) Thunderstorms have been pushed ahead to 7 p.m. but I won’t hold my breath.

North Korea’s “Dear Leader” has implemented another clever public policy.

Hi-de-ho, people. This will have to be brief because it’s 3:15 Tuesday morning and I haven’t been to bed yet, a situation that I’ll have to remedy rather soon because pulling an all-nighter doesn’t appeal to me any more. Also, Monday was a rather trying day for me, the details of which appear below for your possible interest.