Bill Pullman isn’t dead.

Happy Tuesday morning, boys and girls! It’s 7:20 a.m. and Sam is on his way to work as I write this post ... his first day at a BRAND NEW JOB after four glorious months of rest and downtime at home. This is the first new job he’s had in more than 12 years and (with any luck) it will be his LAST. Sam actually considers this to be semi-retirement, with a return to commercial printing, no stress and normal daytime hours.

I always keep a handy-dandy canister of Manischewitz matzo farfel on my desk.

Happy Friday night to you and yours! I thought I’d write another blog post due to having plenty of free time AND WHY THE HELL NOT?! For the moment this is more fun than uploading lunch box designs to The Howdygram Store ... plus I’m still eating my dinner and don’t really need another nap yet.

Sam and I love the ritzy Star Transit senior citizen “cootmobile.”

Just in case you’re wondering how my doctor appointment turned out yesterday, the round-trip excursion on Mesquite’s ritzy senior citizen transport bus with a wheelchair elevator was absolutely fine, my visit with Dr. M was absolutely fine also, and I don’t have to go back for SIX MONTHS. Six months! I’ve been seeing her quarterly for about seven years so this is definitely a break from tradition.

On Wednesday I get to pish in a cup.

Hello and how’s the family from my house to yours! I’m getting a late start tonight on my Howdygram post due to an afternoon nap that ended at 8 p.m. and I just finished dinner at 9:45. Tonight’s menu provided a bag of freeze-dried Mountain House Biscuits & Gravy, a nice cold can of diet ginger ale and a side order of prescription painkillers.

Wow. Slimebag Turd Cruz beat blowhard Donald Trump!

There’s good news and bad news today at Howdygram headquarters.

GOOD NEWS. The Howdygram Store is finally open on Zazzle and you can start shopping whenever you’re ready! I’ll be adding new products almost daily so please come back constantly to see my latest creations. Thank you.

Diabetics need chocolate, too.

Good morning and a happy, sunny Friday from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! It’s a little on the chilly side around here today (only 39° at 10 a.m.) but we’re expecting such a glorious warm-up that I’m willing to tolerate an extra sweater for a day or two. Here’s a screenshot of our latest 10-day forecast to make you jealous.

Helvetica, Times Roman and Courier. Life was so primitive.

Welcome to chapter one of “Marcy Rocks the Goddamn Boat,” the ongoing adventures of a lovely yet belligerent senior citizen fighting back against the medical establishment. I’m housebound with mobility difficulties, raging bacterial cellulitis and leaking pressure sores on both legs, and this morning my doctor refused to prescribe an antibiotic to my visiting nurse, commonly known as Karen the Cutie, because she wants me to come in for an appointment. We need to keep two things in mind here: 1) it was Dr. M who suggested a visiting nurse in the first place; and 2) Dr. M is fully aware that it’s damn near impossible for me to get to her office. I travel in a bariatric wheelchair, and Sam and I have to arrange for rides on the city of Mesquite’s senior citizen transit bus — a round-trip that takes half a day even though we live less than a mile from the clinic — to get back and forth from the Baylor Family Health Center because my new wheelchair doesn’t fit in our car and it’s too damn heavy for Sam to lift, anyway. (I’m sure that pushing me is no big thrill, either.)

The Little Slobster. Everywhere he goes he leaves a trail of dirt, crud, rust, paint, grease, crumbs, shit and spackle.

Good afternoon, dear readers, and a deliriously happy Wednesday to you and yours! Because I’ve got several million unique and moderately interesting news items to share with you today I’d better begin immediately or else I’ll fall asleep. Thank you for putting up with me.

Let’s get a pizza and celebrate.

Hi. It’s me. I just realized I forgot to write a Howdygram post on Friday — horrors! — and then let Saturday slip away from me, too. I am without excuse, I suppose, not counting chronic pain, extra naps, horsing around with Sam and enjoying a first Face Time experience with my best girlfriend in Chicago who thinks I still look like I’m in high school. (Apparently she wasn’t wearing her glasses.) Anyway, I’ve got a variety of topics and news updates to share with you tonight so I’m thinking I’ll just do my favorite neat little indented paragraphs with subheads. Thank you.

Two things: 1) I went to the doctor this morning; and 2) I just saved us $25,000.

Happy Thursday afternoon from Howdygram headquarters! This has been a day of remarkable accomplishments for yours truly, which I’ll list for you below in neat subtitled paragraphs, with photos and illustrations whenever possible. Thank you.

Why can’t I walk? Because there’s no cartilage in my knees and my bones are grinding against each other!

Holy crap ... it’s Friday! Although technically this doesn’t mean very much to a retired senior citizen person with shitty knees such as yours truly, my husband — Handsome Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam — still works for a living at a real job and loves his weekends to pieces. We have no special plans whatsoever due to another huge threat of severe thunderstorms tonight, Saturday and Sunday with hail as big as somebody’s foot, potential twisters and other very scary weather whatnots here in the Dallas metro area, as illustrated below.

Coming up next week: a haircut, houseguests and cortisone injections.

It was the day from hell, guys. My routine appointment with Dr. M this morning was absolutely AWFUL for all of the following reasons.

I can hardly wait to start metering my own clots right here at Howdygram headquarters.

Although you weren’t here to see me feeling extremely miserable on Wednesday and Thursday, I’m pleased to make the following Friday announcement:

I do not feel like crap today.

If you want nice things in Missouri, try not to be poor.

It’s 7:20 a.m., Sam is still asleep, and I’m at my desk in the study waiting for a hydrocodone pill to kick in. These things are pretty damn awesome, but I have to admit that it’s not easy to write Howdygram posts when I’m totally wasted. I sat down to write several times yesterday and just couldn’t get anything off the ground. Today, lucky for you, I’M STARTING EARLY!

Welcome to another busy day in the Twilight Zone.

Yesterday I survived two medical appointments in two different locations on the same day. While you ponder what kind of present you should send me for an occasion of this magnitude I’ll provide a brief update on the status of my health. Because if you didn’t give a crap you wouldn’t be reading this post. Right?

Governor Jindal of Louisiana wants the world to know he’s the Senate’s Honorary 48th Traitor.

Hello from my house to yours. We’re having a pukey, heavily overcast day here in north Texas and I haven’t felt much like doing ANYTHING today. Sam took me to the doctor this morning for my Coumadin blood test (details follow) and then we came straight home for the world’s fastest lunch and a nap. I can’t even remember what the hell I ate. My fork was a blur.

Our Putz of the Week, sphincter-face Orrin Hatch, has an alternative to Obamacare.

Hello, dear readers, and Happy Early Friday Morning from Howdygram headquarters to you and yours! I have some important updates from my last post plus a shitload of new information ... because INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW, right? I’ll use subtitled paragraphs to keep everything nice and organized. Thank you for putting up with me.

Everybody is ignoring me. Do I have to blockade the lab with my wheelchair to get some goddamn attention?

I have a medical conundrum of the first degree, guys. On Tuesday I was instructed by Dr. Singh, my shiny new cardiologist, to get to get my first Coumadin blood test TOMORROW — which is my last oppportunity before Sam goes out of town for eight days — BUT I CAN’T FIND ANYBODY TO DO IT! Dr. M’s office turned me down because they only do Coumadin testing on Tuesdays (what the fuck?) and the appointment desk at Dr. Singh’s office downtown at Baylor Hospital ISN’T RETURNING MY CALL.

Wonderful news! My echocardiogram this morning indicated zero blood clots and no heart damage.

This has been a weird, exhilarating and extraordinarily productive day that included all of the following activities.

I treated myself to a fun new fashion accessory today. It’s the Handy-Dandy Senior Citizen Leg-Shlepper!

Hi, people. This is a happy day at Howdygram headquarters due to finally taking a new prescription medication — Gabapentin — that really relieves a lot of my pain. I FEEL LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON. Gabapentin also makes me sleepy, sluggish, blurry and slow, but I can live with that. I have nowhere to go, I don’t drive, I’m not entered in a race and nobody gives a shit if I’m cockeyed.