Lou Gehrig never missed a game ... and it killed him.

THURSDAY, 9:35 A.M. It’s a dark and overcast morning, and Sam is sitting in the garage — on his favorite retired desk chair — waiting for some YOOGE THUNDERSTORMS to roll in from Fort Worth. If you’d like to share this thrilling weather event with us please send an email as soon as possible … and bring your own cookies. Thank you.

Learn how to make Marcy’s World-Famous “Mish-Mosh” Soup. It’s inexpensive, tasty and easy.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. I’M A FUCKING MESS. To wit: 1) my wet rash is back and it’s driving me insane; 2) my knees hurt; 3) the baby toe on my left foot is SCREAMING at me; 4) I’m shivering and my body temperature is 95°; 5) I have a headache; 6) I’ve got neuropathy “electric shocks” zapping the outside of both legs; 7) Baylor HouseCalls still hasn’t faxed this month’s Hydrocodone prescription to my Wal-Mart pharmacy; and 8) I can’t think of anything else. Okay, okay ... I realize that I whined about most of these issues in last night’s Howdygram post … but I thought you should know that I still feel like shit today and plan to continue complaining for at least the next couple of hours, at which time I’ll enjoy Marcy’s World-Famous “Mish-Mosh” Soup and a movie.

Introducing Mentally Ill Senior Citizen Spaghetti with Gigantic Flat Meatballs.

Happy Saturday to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters. It’s nearly 8 p.m. and I’ve done nothing of any consequence whatsoever today except for eating lunch with Sam and making it all the way to the bathroom three times without pishing in the hall. Thrilling milestones, right? A cold snap has me feeling achy, crappy and listless so I’ve been taking an extra pain pill every once in a while. Thank God I have the perfect life of a handicapped retired senior citizen; I have nowhere to go and nothing to do, I haven’t bothered to wear a brassiere since 2008 and I only own one pair of shoes.

George H.W. Bush’s retirement hobbies include breathing, sitting and collecting socks.

Good morning, people. It’s hot as hell here in Texas and completely typical for July. At this time of year I’m perfectly content to be a housebound senior citizen with mobility issues because nobody wants to go outside, anyway, due to the following two-week forecast. Unfortunately, it fails to show the humidity (about 55%, like a fucking swamp) and the heat index (unbearable). Plus there’s no rain in the forecast whatsoever.

Look out for Barber Foods’ stuffed Diarrhea Surprise chicken breasts.

It’s the middle of the night and I just got out of bed feeling like SHIT SHIT SHIT, as indicated on the Shit-O-Meter graphic posted below. No kidding, guys, EVERY BONE IN MY BODY HURTS, the skin on the back of my thighs feels like third degree burns, I’m congested, my eyes are watering and I can’t figure out how to get comfortable. I just took two Norco tablets; as soon as they kick in I think I’ll try lying down on the chaise in the family room. Until then I guess you’re stuck with me.

Jeb Bush believes that a tolerant country should make room for people of faith to discriminate. WTF?

It’s 9:45 Monday night and I haven’t had dinner yet. While this is probably no big deal to YOU in any way whatsoever, for me it’s a life-changing milestone that helps me adjust my eating pattern to lose some weight and spend less time hanging out near the kitchen. Mainly I wait for Sam to get home from work at 11:15 and let him nuke something fabulous for me on a paper plate. It’s like having my own personal chef!

Fuck you, Luis. Send your unpaid bills to Mitt Romney or go buy yourself a pair of bootstraps.

Residents of the Dallas metropolitan area are requesting a ritzy set of matching Neiman Marcus life preservers as soon as possible due to expecting up to a foot of rain during the next three days. That’s TWELVE INCHES OF RAIN, people! Although Howdygram headquarters is located on high ground and nowhere near any creeks, rivers, cattle ponds or reservoirs, THAT’S A HELL OF A LOT OF WATER in addition to severe thunderstorms, hail the size of Buicks, wind, twisters and flooded drive-through lanes at In-N-Out Burger. A screen shot of our forecast appears below. Holy crap, am I right?

My new senior citizen recipe is so delicious you might have a nervous breakdown.

A slightly-belated Mother’s Day to you and yours from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! I sincerely meant to post the following graphic yesterday but got caught up in a variety of intense Sunday activities that included two naps, not getting hit by a tornado and eating things.

It’s almost time to watch Dorothy and the Scarecrow squirt oil on the Tin Man.

From the nice Jewish couple here at Howdygram headquarters to goyim everywhere ... A VERY HAPPY EASTER TO YOU AND YOURS and may you have a lifetime of chocolate eggs and plenty of fluffy rabbits! (I have no idea what I’m talking about. Is any of this weird crap in the Bible?)

Our newest senior citizen recipe is a real doozy.

Yo from the helpless winter wasteland of north Texas. We’re still covered in a shiny layer of ice from yesterday’s storm, and according to online news reports the entire Dallas/Fort Worth metro area will be shut down for the second day in a row due to nobody knows how to drive on shit like this and every road, ramp, freeway, bridge and parking lot is a SKATING RINK. For me, though, this is no big deal whatsoever because Sam might work from home again and I’ve got plenty of braunschweiger and Coke Zero. Also Pop Secret with movie theater butter.

Introducing Marcy’s Easy French Dip and Fast Jus for Senior Citizens with No Rolls and Crippled Knees.

I’ve got THREE FASCINATING THINGS to share with y’all today, but I’ll begin with our glorious four-day forecast here at Howdygram headqarters. It’s an especially nice forecast for this time of year and an early Valentine’s Day present from the National Weather Service, particularly when you consider the life-threatening blizzard-of-the-century that’s heading for New York City. Please check it out below and wave like a maniac if you agree with me. (Thank you.)

Costco ran out of teeny tacos. This is an outrage.

Merry Almost-Christmas Eve to my loyal and goyishe Howdygram readers! Sam kicked off the festivities this morning with trips to Wal-Mart to pick up prescriptions, to the dentist to find out why the hell they’re not sending him a bill and to Costco to purchase a large volume of our favorite tasty crap, including lots of ready-to-eat Tex-Mex things, grapefruit cups and maybe muffins. Unfortunately, after a brief Face Time interlude Sam just informed me that Costco ran out of our essential teeny tacos — THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! — so he’s substituting a tub of shrimp salad and a great big meatloaf entree with mashed potatoes. I am holding down the fort at home in the meantime with help from a regiment of Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow Santas.

Weather.com is like a psycho middle school boyfriend who only tells you shit he thinks you want to hear.

Yo! Sam was out and about this morning with a “honey-do” list while I held down the fort here at Howdygram headquarters. Fort-holding-down demands no particular skill whatsoever and usually only requires not spilling my Marcytini, staying awake and answering the phone if anybody calls. And in case you’re interested, Sam’s errands included a drop-off at the dry cleaner, driving past the post office to mail our holiday cards and a trip to Tom Thumb for sugar-free Jell-O cups, teeny bottles of Coke Zero for the mini-fridge in the study and a juicy, ready-to-eat turkey breast (see below) on sale for $8.99. Yum, right?

President Obama will address the nation tonight. Tune in to watch Republican heads explode.

It’s still Thursday and this is my third Howdygram post today. If I haven’t made amends for not posting yesterday you’re just a hopeless ingrate and I’m through with you.

We ran out of silverware yesterday.

Howdygram headquarters is brimming with all kinds of important crap today! I’ll list everything for you below in cleverly-subtitled paragraphs so you’ll know what’s what.

Try Marcycita’s South-of-the-Border Tamale Bake for Senior Citizens with Hot Sauce.

I’ve just discovered that it’s fun and liberating to wake up at 4:30 in the morning for a routine middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and wind up in the study eating Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow pumpkins! Right here on my desk I’ve got a great big display box of 36 GORGEOUS FOIL-WRAPPED PUMPKINS filled with FLUFFY MARSHMALLOW CREAM ... exactly like you’d find them next to the register at Walgreens. Seriously, can life get any better than this?

“I Love Lucy” is still a scream and I promise it won’t make you think of Ebola even for a second.

To distract all of us from The Great Ebola Panic of 2014 — which is SCARY SHIT and A VERY REAL THING, especially here in Dallas — I think you should know that today is “I Love Lucy” Day, commemorating the iconic TV comedy’s premier on October 15, 1951, just two stinking weeks before the birth of yours truly.

I hope you have a really pleasant Friday. What’s for lunch today?

Hi. It’s me again but I wish I was still in bed. I woke up about 40 minutes ago for my routine middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and decided to hang out in the study for a while for the following shitty reasons: 1) I’ve got a clogged nose, watery eyes and a raspy cough; 2) my back is itchy; and 3) I can’t think of anything else.

A senior citizen recipe for happiness, rediscovered soup plates and urgent Texas news.

It’s 4:45 in the morning and I’m here in the study with a tasty Glucerna milkshake for people with diabetes who get up in the middle of the night for no particular reason whatsoever. Until I’m ready to go back to bed I’ll do my best to entertain y’all with a Howdygram post.

Yesterday’s big parade included cowboys on horseback, Elvises and lots of girls with legs.

It’s 9:40 Saturday morning and Sam went back to bed about half an hour ago, leaving me alone in the study with a Marcytini and a big blank screen that’s waiting for a Howdygram post. I’m not feeling especially perky or creative at the present time so you can either bear with me or go watch TV for a little while. (If I were you, I’d watch TV.)