Live-blogging my foray into drug addiction.

Just for the hell of it I’ve decided to “live blog” my Saturday afternoon foray into drug addiction. About half an hour ago I took my first hydrocodone tablet to relieve the intense chronic pain in my knees, feet and legs. I’m hoping for two possible outcomes: 1) getting high; and 2) feeling human again. So let’s move on to the live blogging shit, shall we?

We have no plans for Sunday whatsoever except for rinsing off a bunch of dishes in the kitchen sink.

Truth be told, Saturday wasn’t so hot around here. I was in a semi-shitty mood throughout the morning due to an unexplained migraine the night before, I had a crappy overall level of knee pain all day long, and then, just for fun and at no additional charge, sometime around midnight I smashed my right foot into the bathroom door jam and split a toenail. To make matters worse, the erroneous meatballs I received yesterday from Artizone [see my last post] were REPULSIVE. For the outrageous price of $12, the vendor — who deserves to be FLOGGED — gives you eight spongy little one-inch meatballs floating in a a puddle of cheap pasta sauce. If I actually had to pay for that crap I would’ve demanded my money back. Even half a cup of parmesan cheese didn’t help.

The true story of missing meatloaf and a tin of complimentary fuck-up potatoes.

This turned out to be not such a hot day, Artizone-wise. They delivered my food order [see previous post] right on time, just like always, except today was fraught with disaster. I’ll back up and start at the beginning so you’ll know what’s what, okay?

The best cheap and perfect snack combo ever invented.

I apologize for not writing a Howdygram post yesterday but I was asleep in the family room all day, resulting from two nights of severe insomnia and outrageously shitty knee pain due to not getting any rest whatsoever. I am presently feeling much better, although please note it’s 5:15 a.m. and I might force myself to go back to bed with very little advance notice. (If I suddenly stop typing you’ll know why.)

Yes, people, we’re a multi-thermometer family.

It’s 5:30 Monday afternoon and I’d like to send my best wishes from Howdygram headquarters, where Sam has been certifiably not conscious in the family room since we finished lunch at 11:30 this morning. He’s still pretty damn sick with whatever he caught in California last week — today is Day Six already — and this morning his temperature was 95.8°, which we checked twice with different thermometers. (Yes, people, we’re a multi-thermometer family.) I just hope Sam wakes up in time for his doctor appointment tomorrow morning.

Somebody should tell Sam to eat a bagel.

It’s been more than seven hours since I’ve heard from Sam and I’m definitely scared. He’s sick, people. REALLY, REALLY SICK. I don’t think he’s been out of bed for two days except to pee — which is wishful thinking on my part — and I’m pretty sure he’s not eating anything, either. The only “up” side, if there is one: Sam will be home tomorrow (Sunday) and already has a Tuesday morning appointment with Dr. M for a routine checkup, so if he’s not any better by then maybe she can prescribe something and tell him to have a bagel.

It’s sixteen fucking degrees outside.

Let’s talk Thursday, shall we? It’s 8 a.m. here at Howdygram headquarters and the temperature outside is SIXTEEN FUCKING DEGREES. It’s so cold I wouldn’t even open the front door if somebody delivered Chinese food! And although that might be a massive exaggeration, to keep it all in perspective I’d like to share this photo of Chicago, where it’s substantially below zero this morning and THE WAVES ON LAKE MICHIGAN ARE FROZEN SOLID. Holy crap.

Three huge news stories featuring skanks, food and weather.

Yo from Texas. I’ve got THREE HUGE NEWS STORIES to share with y’all today, so grab yourself a Marcytini and a couple of sugar-free Russell Stover marshmallow Santas and get comfortable!

Howdygram confidential: Here’s what’s happening today.

It’s 9:30 Monday morning, and my darling mother-in-law Belle will be laid to rest today at Mount Sinai Memorial Park in the Hollywood Hills. Sam, who’s representing both of us, has been in California with his brothers and sisters since Friday and will deliver part of the eulogy. Here’s Sam’s favorite picture of his mom, probably taken in the early 1970s. (I just uploaded the same photo to mom’s funeral notice page on Mount Sinai’s website.) Mom died in her sleep early New Year’s Day. She was 82.

My big Saturday night hoo-hah includes a hot shower, a volume of food and movies.

Following a hypoglycemic episode this morning that jolted me out of a sound sleep I decided to kill a little time by ordering a bunch of excellent food from Artizone, a local virtual gourmet farmer’s market WITH HOME DELIVERY. I ordered all of the following from various vendors: 1) a pound of pimiento cheese; 2) four gorgeous stuffed peppers with red sauce; 3) a turkey meatloaf with spicy things in it; and 4) a cheesy stuffed baked potato. Incidentally, with regard to that last item, I’m a firm believer in the following basic medical principle: IF YOU INJECT ENOUGH INSULIN YOU CAN EAT DAMN NEAR ANYTHING.

Welcome to the decadent life of a housebound senior citizen.

Even though you might think it’s not much fun being a stay-at-home retired senior citizen with shitty knees and feet, most of the time you’d be REALLY WRONG. My life at Howdygram headquarters includes a wide variety of interesting activities and decadent perks, which I’ll outline for you below in subtitled paragraphs.

Artizone.com is better than Hormel tamales.

I think somebody filled my head with concrete today when I wasn’t looking. It’s 4:30 Thursday afternoon and I woke up from my afternoon nap TWO HOURS AGO but still can’t focus, concentrate or stop wanting to go back to sleep. I tried to snap out of it by shopping for beautiful food (see examples below) online at Artizone but that only made things worse. Now I’m tired AND HUNGRY.

You know you’re getting old when you think food is prettier than movie stars.

The world’s largest chicken pot pie just walked in the front door of Howdygram headquarters escorted by a friendly delivery dude from Artizone.com. In my June 4 post [read it here] I joked that it “weighs 25 pounds and supposedly feeds eight Texans,” but as it turns out I wasn’t exaggerating. The box measures 18" x 18" x 9" and takes up a whole shelf in the fridge ... and what’s inside is even more gorgeous than Cary Grant, Robert Wagner and William Holden COMBINED. (You know you’re getting old when you think food is prettier than movie stars. Holy crap.)

Artizone has nice boxes and delivery dudes who like your house.

Know what happens when a retired senior citizen is home alone, moderately bored and really hungry? You spend an hour obsessing over full-color food porn on your favorite artisan grocery website — Artizone.com — and blow $68 on THIS (see below) for home delivery on Friday between 6 and 8 p.m. Incidentally, that beautiful chicken pot pie is $30 all by itself because it’s 10" in diameter, weighs 25 pounds and supposedly feeds eight Texans. I bought it for Saturday night dinner for Sam and me. Sorry, but nobody else is invited. Maybe next time, okay?