Free fonts and gorgeous backgrounds. (The backgrounds weren’t free.)

Oy. It’s 4 a.m. and I’m sitting at my desk in the study because Sam and I just woke up in the family room after a six-hour nap and I don’t know what else to do with myself. Sam, of course, simply got up off the sofa and went to bed. That’s easy for him because: 1) he doesn’t have any pain to slow him down; 2) he doesn’t struggle walking to the bathroom; 3) he doesn’t have to  shlep into another room to take a fistful of night-time pills and inject insulin; and 4) he isn’t ME. So here I am. Thank you for putting up with me. I’m drinking tea.

Dear Barstool Palin: Go shoot a few mooses and STFU.

I am grieved to report another very, very shitty night’s sleep, maybe the worst experience EVER. I seem to be going through another episode of intense chronic pain and it even hurts like hell to toss and turn in bed. I would’ve just gotten up and migrated into the study. Unfortunately it hurts like hell to WALK, too, so I laid there like a sweaty zombie and MOANED OUT LOUD FOR FOUR FUCKING HOURS.

Thrilling highlights from the second GOP presidential debate.

It’s 5:15 a.m. and I’m upside-down. I fell asleep on the chaise in the family room last night around 11 p.m. AND I JUST WOKE UP. Going to bed at this point is futile because I’m totally wide awake and I’d rather write a Howdygram post now, anyway. Is this your lucky day, or what?

Rick Perry believes that poor, freedom-loving Texans are proud not to have health insurance.

I just had the shittiest night’s sleep of my entire life. THE ABSOLUTE SHITTIEST. I went to bed this morning at 4:30 a.m. and laid there gasping for air — it almost felt like a panic attack — for two and a half miserable hours until I finally got up about 15 minutes ago. It’s 7:20. I’m not feeling happy, perky, peppy or glad to be alive. Instead, I’m just going to nurse on a teeny bottle of Coke Zero from the mini-fridge and swallow my morning meds. DON’T TRY TO STOP ME, EITHER. As soon as I can muster up some energy I will drag my ass into the kitchen to look for food. I want breakfast and I WANT IT NOW. (Thank you.)

The only time I can’t fall asleep is at night like a normal person.

Hi. It’s me again after another completely sleepless night even though I tried. I really did. I went to bed at 3:15 this morning and laid there for two and a half hours listening to myself breathe. I’ve decided that my new prescription meds — Warfarin, Metoprolol and Gabapentinin — must be causing this in combination with all the other drugs I already take at bedtime, namely Amitripytyline, Trazodone, Benazepril Hydrochlorothiazide and Wal-Mart’s store brand arthritis-strength Tylenol knockoff. I have no trouble napping for five or six hours during the day; THE ONLY TIME I CAN’T FALL ASLEEP IS AT NIGHT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. I think I’ll send an email to Dr. M this morning and find out if I can rearrange some of these pills because being awake all night is getting on my nerves.

I’m killing time. Join the party.

Know what? I’m having A VERY, VERY SHITTY NIGHT. I’ve tried to go to bed twice but I can’t fall asleep! I just lay there in bed gasping for air like I can’t breathe (even though I can) and imagining my blood sugar is too low (it isn’t). This is really fucked up. So now I’m parked at my desk in the study at 4 a.m. with a little bottle of Coke Zero from the mini fridge and the early stages of what appears to be A LOUSY MIGRAINE HEADACHE. I’d cheer myself up by ordering a mountain of fabulous crap from Wal-Mart and Amazon except I don’t wany any deliveries while Sam is out of town due being a mobility-impaired senior citizen who can’t shlep cartons into the house by myself. Towards the end of the week, however, I’ll be placing the following orders ... starting with three bottles of apricot SweetLeaf drops and a dozen cans of my favorite Hormel smoked ham that we can’t find in any of our local supermarkets. (They sell a ham knockoff at Dollar Tree that’s not nearly as tasty as Hormel.)

As a mostly-crippled housebound senior citizen I never thought I’d eat an Italian beef sandwich again.

It’s 3 a.m. and I thought I’d try to squeeze in a speedy Howdygram post before I go to bed. On the other hand, I’m not actually tired in any way whatsoever right now and might wind up pulling an all-nighter due to seven hours of exceptionally gratifying naps on Friday and then sleeping through Gone with the Wind (1939) starring Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh. After reading this paragraph twice I have no idea what this even means. Jesus.

If I were a parent I’d be crapping in my pants.

Good morning, people, and Happy First Day of February to you and yours! It’s the wee hours of the morning around here again due to my sleep schedule being fucked-up from a lot of new medication and all-day naps, and I haven’t got a clue how to turn it around. So basically, to quote Sam, “It is what it is.” We all have to learn how to live with adversity. (This also includes running out of Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow Santas.)

Kill me now. I haven’t slept since Tuesday.

THURSDAY, 7:15 A.M. I hope you don’t think I’m joking about this because I’m NOT. I can’t get comfortable, I can’t fall asleep and I’m not even especially tired. Trouble is, when I don’t sleep I run into all kinds of unexpected health issues, such as elevated blood sugar numbers, increased pain in my legs and a severe lack of motivation to make soup. I’m pretty damn miserable right now and the weather outside isn’t helping much because it’s 39°, windy and pouring rain. For your possible interest the teeny red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters but don’t bother to zoom in because I’m crabby, my hair is a mess and I don’t feel like waving to you or to anybody else. Thank you.

This is why God invented wheelchairs.

It’s 5 a.m. and I’m wide awake. This doesn’t exactly piss me off, however, because I enjoyed three seriously intense naps on Tuesday, the last one ending at sometime after midnight while Sam and I watched Roman Holiday (1953) starring Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck. I guess there’s only one real downside to being awake right now: I can’t go back to bed if I get tired because I’ve got an appointment with Dr. M at 8:45. Also I’m having a hypoglycemic episode. (It’s always something, isn’t it?)

President Obama’s State of the Union address is a very big hoo-hah and you shouldn’t miss it.

Hi, guys. It’s Monday night, I’m suitably rested, fed and showered, Sam will be home from work sometime during the next half-hour and I’ve got an exciting announcement to share with you: I’VE GOT A WHOLE BUNCH OF NEW FONTS! I realize that I pretended to kick my addiction back in 2013 but I hope you’ll understand that I flat-out lied about it. I’ve been collecting fonts since 1986 and I guess the damn things are in my blood. For the record, most of these were free but I actually paid money for Extra! Extra! and Doran Comics during Comicraft’s New Year’s Eve sale because what the hell, why not? Seriously, if Sam doesn’t mind, why should you?

The best cheap and perfect snack combo ever invented.

I apologize for not writing a Howdygram post yesterday but I was asleep in the family room all day, resulting from two nights of severe insomnia and outrageously shitty knee pain due to not getting any rest whatsoever. I am presently feeling much better, although please note it’s 5:15 a.m. and I might force myself to go back to bed with very little advance notice. (If I suddenly stop typing you’ll know why.)

Maybe I could try knitting pot holders for fun and profit.

I greet you from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters, where I’m doing my best to spring back to life from the longest nap since Rip Van Fucking Winkle. After being jolted awake again this morning with a raging case of hypoglycemia — and barely two stinking hours of sleep — I conked myself out in the family room at 9:45, slept until 3:30, hauled myself straight into bed and slept another 90 minutes. That’s MORE THAN SEVEN HOURS, people! At this point my schedule is so insanely convoluted that I think I’ll just give up and look for a work-at-home graveyard shift job for insomniac senior citizens who eat marshmallow Santas. Maybe I could try knitting pot holders for fun and profit.

We’ve got freezing rain moving across our area right now.

Going to bed at 2 a.m. sounded like the right thing to do but turned out to not be such a hot idea. I guess I wasn’t tired enough, thrashed around for about 40 minutes and then migrated back into the study. It’s 4:15 and here I am. Lucky you.

Errands, seasonal appetizers and two fine actors doing comedy.

You know what sucks? When it’s 4:30 in the morning and you can’t fall asleep even though you’re so tired you can’t keep your eyes open. Like RIGHT NOW, for instance. I’m not sure why this is happening for the third night in a row, but I might decide to haul my body to the chaise in the family room any minute now because I always sleep like a rock on the chaise. (If I stop typing all of a sudden you’ll know why.) In the meantime I’ve been Googling friends from the past to amuse myself, with the unfortunate outcome that several of them are DEAD. Holy crap, right?

I’m mad about Wal-Mart’s mentally ill shipping procedures.

I slept very, very badly last night. Here’s the basic rundown for your possible interest: I went to bed at 2:30 a.m., woke up at 5:30 with low blood sugar, parked myself in the study with a teeny bottle of Coke Zero until 6:50, went back to bed at 6:52, thrashed around for an hour freezing to death because Sam was hogging the blanket, and now I’m back in the study thinking about breakfast. I’m pooped, people. I NEED SLEEP AND I NEED IT NOW. Holy crap.

Grab a beer and a knockwurst ... let’s celebrate the 25th birthday of everybody kicking down the Berlin Wall!

You know what’s a huge and stupid waste of time? Spending a day and a half redesigning all the graphics in the Howdygram including the banner (four times), eventually deciding you hate everything you did and then switching it back to exactly the way it looked in the first place. At the moment I feel discombobulated, disappointed and unproductive after blowing practically two whole days on this pointless horseshit. Worse yet, I DIDN’T WRITE ANY HOWDYGRAM POSTS because I can’t wear “designer” and “blogger” hats at the same time. Also, I hate hats.

I’m glad that crap is over. It’s great to be back.

Design tweaks, disappointment and a tidbit from our Apparently Not All Politicians Suck department.

It’s no wonder why I’ve always got so damn much chronic pain: I DON’T GET ENOUGH SLEEP. Holy crap, right? Aside from ongoing exhaustion, my complaints du jour also include watery eyes, a runny nose, shitty burning feet, shitty stiff knees, shitty crippled hands and zero motivation to empty the dishwasher.

Texas is still fighting an extreme drought. We might have to start bathing with friends.

Holy crap (again). I DON’T SLEEP WELL ANY MORE. I got up this morning (again) two hours before dawn with pain in my feet and knees EXACTLY THE SAME AS YESTERDAY ... except this time with the added excitement of hypoglycemia, which has been happening more often than I care to admit. So while I waited for Sam to wake up I killed a substantial chunk of time with a Glucerna vanilla milkshake for old broads with diabetes and fantasizied about Pop Secret with Movie Theater Butter. (Low blood sugar can do scary shit to a person’s brain. Trust me.)

Double bonus points are a huge fucking deal for old people.

Listen up, guys! Yesterday was A RECORD-BREAKING DAY IN HOWDYGRAMLAND! The Howdygram had 743 unique visitors and 891 pageviews after everybody on earth clicked a link to this post from a comment I wrote about Bristol Palin on Jezebel.com. Holy crap! I’m speechless! I’m dumbfounded! I’m popular! I’M HUNGRY!