Tuesday’s deliveries and a shitty mystery fever.

As if a crippled heel, a crippled knee and a crippled hand aren’t enough ... I also just discovered I’ve got a SHITTY MYSTERY FEVER, which might explain why I’m also feeling lousy, clammy, achy and limp. I woke up a few minutes ago — it’s 4 a.m. — for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure, and if all goes well I’ll probably head back to bed very soon because lying down always feels better than sitting at a desk sucking TicTacs when a person has a fever.

Fortunately, there’s always something wonderful to look forward to at Howdygram headquarters even when yours truly is under the weather. DELIVERIES! Today I’m expecting nine packages of Libby’s crumbly seasoned ground beef in convenient tear-open pouches, a big jug of Harmony House dehydrated vegetable soup — with teeny peas and green beans! — and two canisters of McCormick’s finest instant poultry gravy that makes everything you eat taste like Thanksgiving expect for teeny tacos from Costco.

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Hey. Does anybody remember the canned ground beef for senior citizens that I ordered a couple of weeks ago from Brinkman Farms? I finally tried it on Sunday to make sloppy joes and I’m sad to report that it was a total disappointment. The texture was somewhat repulsive on its own — imagine a steamed meat brick that you pry apart with a fork — and the flavor was a sad combination of grammar school cafeteria institutional and Alpo with a beef bouillon aftertaste. It wrecked a perfectly good can of Manwich and I’ve been inconsolable ever since.

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Here’s some breaking news from our Guess Whose New Back-Ordered Leather Chaise Lounge Just Arrived at Macy’s Dallas Warehouse department. A few minutes ago I got an email from Macy’s to go online and arrange a delivery date for the new chaise (pictured below) that we ordered several weeks ago. So I did ... immediately after I scheduled a pickup with the Salvation Army to come and get our old one. In case you care about minutiae like this, the Salvation Army will be here on Friday, August 8, and Macy’s is coming the following day. I’m so damn excited I can hardly stand it.

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For your possible interest I should interject here that it’s not 4 a.m. any more. After going back to bed (twice) and an unforgettable three-hour post-lunch nap, it is now 4:30 in the afternoon and I’m beginning to contemplate dinner. While multiple options certainly abound, I’m leaning towards a pot of my new Harmony House vegetable soup mix with zero-calorie shirataki noodles and a half-can of Brinkman Farms chicken leftover from a couple of days ago. Does that sound amazing, or what?

And finally ... I’d like to end this post with a video of poor cocoa bean farmers in the Ivory Coast finding out FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME why white people covet cocoa beans and what chocolate tastes like. This is simultaneously the happiest and saddest thing I have seen today.

Thank you for reading this.