Kill me now. I haven’t slept since Tuesday.

THURSDAY, 7:15 A.M. I hope you don’t think I’m joking about this because I’m NOT. I can’t get comfortable, I can’t fall asleep and I’m not even especially tired. Trouble is, when I don’t sleep I run into all kinds of unexpected health issues, such as elevated blood sugar numbers, increased pain in my legs and a severe lack of motivation to make soup. I’m pretty damn miserable right now and the weather outside isn’t helping much because it’s 39°, windy and pouring rain. For your possible interest the teeny red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters but don’t bother to zoom in because I’m crabby, my hair is a mess and I don’t feel like waving to you or to anybody else. Thank you.

12:25 P.M. Glorioski, people. At 7:30 I decided to try lying down on the chaise in the family room and actually wound up unconscious for FOUR MAGNIFICENT HOURS. I’m still tired but will postpone nap number two until after Sam leaves for work about half an hour from now so we’ll have time to visit for a few minutes.

5:21 P.M. I slept another four and a half hours this afternoon and just woke up. I ALMOST I FEEL LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING AGAIN. For dinner (any minute now) I’ll treat myself to one of my favorite senior citizen recipes involving canned meat, McCormick instant gravy and a crusty low-carb dinner roll. I might also do a salad if I’m in the mood, except my new jumbo green olives — an integral component of any decent salad — are in a sealed carton from Wal-Mart in the front foyer and I don’t feel much like digging through cartons right now.

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I’ve got breaking news from our First-Class Transportation for Senior Citizens with Shitty Knees department. I’ve decided to buy myself a DELUXE TRANSPORT CHAIR, which is basically a wheelchair minus the giant side wheels that create so much havoc due to refusing to squeeze through standard doorways, which is the problem Sam ran into yesterday (literally) at the clinic when I was in my regular wheelchair. After an aggressive Internet search I found three excellent chairs on Amazon, two on eBay and one at All Time Medical. My favorite model so far is the Everest & Jennings #EJ777-2 and the best price is from All Time Medical. (They’re $15 cheaper than eBay with no tax and free shipping.)

I’ll let you know when I finally place an order so you can celebrate with me, okay? I’m thinking this might be a fine time to break out my last two sugar-free Russell Stover marshmallow Santas.

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I think I need to consider dinner seriously right now, although technically this would be breakfast, lunch and dinner all rolled into one because I haven’t eaten anything whatsoever (not counting Tic Tacs and an occasional Marcytini) since Wednesday night due to feeling achy, exhausted, pissed off and altogether like crap until about an hour ago. Thank you for reading this. Tell your friends.