You don’t have to be a breathing fossil to sign up for Consumer Cellular.

I’ve got a number of significant news items to share with you this morning. As per my usual style I’ll present them to you in neatly-subtitled paragraphs. You’re welcome.

Everybody at DirecTV is a stinking psychopath.

You know what? I really didn’t plan to write about this again [see previous post] but I saw a news item online yesterday that changed my mind. Ready for this? Former Texas Governor Rick “Dumbass” Perry will join Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick), Vanilla Ice and disgraced Olympian Ryan Lochte on season 23 of ABC-TV’s “Dancing with the Total Losers.” I honestly can’t think of anything more likely to make me puke than Rick Perry — or douchebag Ryan Lochte either, for that matter! — in sequined pants trying to do the mambo. Holy crap.

Scammy crooks from AT&T tried to ruin our pleasant Friday night.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday from your friends at Howdygram headquarters. I’ve had a bizarre day that (so far) has involved only three activities: 1) sleeping; 2) adding nine relatives, one hairdresser, one doctor, two Chinese restaurants and a maid to the contact list on my beautiful new iPhone 5S; and 3) taking a shower. At the moment I’m waiting for Sam to call so I can order us a couple of juicy chicken burritos from Chipotle. He’ll pick them up on his way home from work, bless his heart. I’M STARVING.

My Saturday night agenda included cute meat dumplings and buried treasure.

I didn’t have a chance to squeeze a Howdygram post into my jam-packed schedule yesterday due to all of the following pressing activities: 1) two extended naps; 2) programming the DVR to record a lot of pre-code Mary Astor movies; 3) refilling my pill sorter to accommodate a much higher dose of Gabapentin as prescribed by my best friend Sandi who is not a doctor (details follow); and 4) designing an adorable collection of new luggage tags and coordinating passport holders for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle.

Don’t forget cheap foil pans, cheap cream of mushroom soup and cheap Christmas elves at Dollar Tree.

Believe it or not, it was my plan to write a second Howdygram post yesterday — BLACK FRIDAY! — but I didn’t find time to sneak it in between 11½ hours of naps. THAT IS NOT A TYPO. My first nap of the day commenced at 9:15 in the morning and lasted until 2:30. I slept again from 4 until 7, ate dinner, and conked out again from 8:15 until 11:30, at which time I decided to take a nice hot shower, shlep into the study and consume a couple of Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow Santas. In case you’re interested, Sam napped even more than I did on Friday and together we managed to sleep through several excellent movies, including: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (1947) starring Danny Kaye and Virginia Mayo; Dial M for Murder (1954) starring Grace Kelly and Ray Milland; and Trader Horn (1931) starring Harry Carey, Duncan Renaldo and Edwina Booth as a “white savage.”

I am a well-rested invalid zombie with a deranged bladder.

It’s 7:30 a.m. and I don’t want to write this post. I’m tired, I’m crabby, I’ve got watery eyes, my shitty knees hurt (my shitty knees ALWAYS hurt) and the bottoms of my feet burn. I’d rather be in bed or — better yet — stretched out on the chaise in the family room drifting off to sleep with one of my favorite napping movies, most likely something with Margaret Rutherford, whose little face appears at left for your possible interest.

Hanukkah came early this year!

Howdygram headquarters has turned into the Twilight Zone due to THREE REALLY SPOOKY THINGS that actually happened today.

Depressing realization. My ass is costing us money.

I’ll begin this post with assorted retractions and clarifications because sometimes even the most intelligent retired senior citizen can write a bunch of misleading crap [see previous post]. I’ll take these issues one at a time so go pour yourself a Marcytini and get comfortable.

For a retired senior citizen I have far too much crap on my Monday “do” list.

Sam and I celebrated his birthday yesterday at Cafe Greek in Dallas, a nice ethnic buffet with surprisingly tasty food, plenty of napkins and no customers. Here’s a full-color portrait of their buffet for your possible interest. They also have spinach pies, really good eggplant whatnots, big vats of hummus and Sam’s favorite custard dessert.

Sam wants an iPhone for his birthday. We’re buying it today.

It’s 8:30 Sunday morning and Sam, pictured at left, just decided to treat himself to an iPhone for his birthday — which is TODAY, incidentally — which means we’ll probably drop in at the AT&T store next to Tom Thumb on our way home from lunch to pick it out. If Sam goes with the iPhone 4s model it’s FREE. (Free is a really good price.)

As for me, I don’t need a cell phone AT ALL any more since nobody knows the number, I never go out, my relatives call our landline and I don’t have any friends. For the record, I’ve got a four-year-old Motorola “dumb” phone that stopped working in 2013. When Sam upgrades today I’ll cancel my plan altogether and save us a couple of bucks.