Welcome to the decadent life of a housebound senior citizen.

Even though you might think it’s not much fun being a stay-at-home retired senior citizen with shitty knees and feet, most of the time you’d be REALLY WRONG. My life at Howdygram headquarters includes a wide variety of interesting activities and decadent perks, which I’ll outline for you below in subtitled paragraphs.

I ENJOY NAPS-ON-DEMAND. Yes, it’s true. I can take a nap WHENEVER THE HELL I WANT and nobody gives a hoot about it in any way whatsoever. Today, for instance, I slept on the chaise in the family room from 8:30 until 11:45 and then again from 2:30 until 4. And aside from the fact that I feel slightly disoriented, in all other respects it was an awesome experience. God willing I might do it all over again tomorrow with a bag of Cheetos.

I GET TO BUY NEARLY ALL MY GROCERIES ONLINE. Everybody else has to stand in line at the supermarket and count their change. Me, I just shop on the Internet and wait for my favorite UPS dude to roll up. This month’s order from Amazon Subscribe & Save features 72 bags of Sam’s favorite trail mix and half a dozen jars of whole Green Giant mushrooms. At various other times during the month I also order from Amazon Prime Pantry, Artizone, Wal-Mart and once in a while a few frozen Lou Malnati’s crustless pizzas from Tastes of Chicago.

I TREAT MYSELF TO DECADENT THINGS. This would include a spare pair of memory foam slippers that I bought for no reason whatsoever, always using the best quality toilet paper because I’m worth it, and the adorable Midea MINI REFRIGERATOR that I ordered last night from Amazon!

Because I frequently bolt out of bed in the middle of the night with hypoglycemia I’m planning to keep our new fridge nearby in the study — which is much closer to the master bedroom than the kitchen — stocked with little bottles of Coke Zero and a six-pack of tasty Glucerna milkshakes for people with diabetes. The Midea HS-65L is 1.7 cubic feet in size and even has a teeny freezer compartment for a couple of sugar-free popsicles.

I ENJOY THE FINEST FILMS AND GUILTY PLEASURES. Last night, for instance, Sam and I watched two of our all-time favorites: The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer (1947) starring Cary Grant, Myrna Loy, Shirley Temple and Rudy Vallee; and A Stranger in Town (1943) starring Frank Morgan and Richard Carlson.

I also treat myself to an assortment of guilty pleasures, such as “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” “Project Runway,” “Hardcore Pawn,” “Mad Men,” “Downton Abbey” and “Masters of Sex.” That last one is maybe the best thing that’s ever been on television, right up there with “Roots” in the 1970s and Ken Burns’ PBS series “The Civil War.” “Master of Sex” stars Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan and it’s on Showtime. You absolutely need to be watching  this.

Tonight I plan to watch the risqué pre-Code musical The Smiling Lieutenant (1931) starring Maurice Chevalier, Claudette Colbert and Miriam Hopkins, and later when Sam gets home from work we get to see Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) starring Paul Newman and Robert Redford. DO I HAVE AN AMAZING LIFE, OR WHAT?

I EAT WELL. I have a pantry stocked with all the essentials, and once a week Sam makes an excursion to Costco for all of our favorites, such as teeny tacos, breakfast burritos, gigantic muffins, pistachios, a crate of sugar-free Jell-O cups in assorted flavors and sometimes hard-boiled eggs. Tonight for dinner (as soon as I finish writing this post) I’m heading into the kitchen to make a juicy BLT on a toasty low-carb onion roll, although technically it’ll just be a B because I don’t have any L or T. Plus, for the very first time I’m using the fully-cooked CANNED BACON FOR SENIOR CITIZENS that I ordered last week from Pleasant Hill Grain. According to several dozen online reviews people love to eat this stuff right out of the can, but I am not a barbarian. I intend to use a paper plate.

Thank you for reading this.