Without Amazon I never would have known the joy of a canned meat subscription.

It’s good to be back with you this afternoon! I just woke up from the World’s Shortest Unexplained Nap — less than 35 stinking minutes — due to a crazy dream that MY INTESTINES WERE READY TO EXPLODE and I had get to a bathroom as fast as possible. Fortunately I made it to the bathroom, my intestines DID NOT explode, so now I’m parked at my desk with a nice little bottle of ice cold Coke Zero while I wait for a burst of bloggular creativity. If all else fails I’ve decided to shoot for another nap after my next dose of hardcore narcotics at 4 p.m. Thank you.

I’ve always been a real sucker for the Russian revolution.

I am deeply sorry that I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday. I tried a couple of times but succumbed frequently to the following variety of ongoing physical complaints: 1) my left heel feels like somebody’s frying it with a blow torch — due to diabetic peripheral neuropathy — and the pain only stops if I elevate my leg; 2) three big hypoglycemic episodes; 3) I fell at home Tuesday night [see post] and plan to milk it for all it’s worth; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. Thank you for putting up with me.

I fell down last night.

Breaking news, dear readers. I FELL LAST NIGHT AND COULDN’T GET UP. Carrying my dinner into the den I tripped on the edge of the area rug, flew across the room and landed like a ton of bricks. I broke my beautiful glass candle runner on the coffee table, spilled a bowl of chili and a full 32-oz. tumbler of Coke Zero — with a billion ice cubes — all over the carpet, and I injured my stomach on something (I think the corner of the coffee table) because I’ve got a huge red streak across my belly and some broken skin. But I was damn fortunate because: 1) Sam was 15 minutes away at work and not in California (he was in L.A. all last week); 2) the cordless phone was at arm’s length on the coffee table and not sitting in its charger in the foyer where I couldn’t reach it; and 3) I didn’t crack my head on the wrought iron bench in front of the fireplace (I missed it by inches), break any bones or shatter the glass top on the coffee table.