I love my nuke-able bowls of Chef Boyardee fetal ravioli.

Holy crap. There’s so much to write about today I almost don’t know where to start! Maybe I’ll try organizing my thoughts into convenient subtitled paragraphs BECAUSE THIS IS MY BLOG AND I WANT TO.

STARTING MY WEEK WITH AMAZON. This is the best way to launch a brand new week: SHOPPING! My Monday morning Amazon order included canned ground beef for senior citizens, another dozen nuke-able bowls of Chef Boyardee fetal ravioli and a new Mister Fluffy dark brown shag area rug for the family room due to ruining our old one a couple of months ago when I fell down carrying a bowl of chili and shattered the glass candle runner on our coffee table. (Trust me ... even Superman can’t pull shards of glass out of a shag carpet.)

MORE WEATHER AGAIN. Yes, we’ve got additional thunderstorms on the way as I write this post. According to the latest cheesy animated map on Weather.com they’re moving east out of Arlington and heading for downtown Dallas. If they don’t change direction, Howdygram headquarters would be next. I’m ready. I’ve got a Marcytini, a bag of Bugles and enough prescription painkillers to last me at least a week.

In case you’re interested, the photo below was taken yesterday when a very large and scary supercell tornado formed over north Texas in a neighboring county. Holy shit, am I right?

SAM GETS READY FOR SUMMER. Care to guess Sam’s favorite summer beverage? It’s PHOSPHATES! He stocks up on cans of unflavored seltzer from Tom Thumb and mixes them with measured squirts of DaVinci sugar-free syrup. I ordered two each of his favorite syrup flavors this morning from Lollicup because they have the best prices on the Internet and reasonable shipping. (He also likes blueberry but they didn’t have any.)

SERIOUS NOSH CRAVINGS. This morning Sam did a quick run to Wal-Mart run for me as I had no sugar-free desserts in the house except for little cups of fruity Jell-O, which are very nice but not exactly decadent. He came home with a container of sugar-free lemon pound cake slices and four teeny individual no-sugar-added apple pies. THE MAN IS A GENIUS! For dinner tonight I’m eating leftover Easy Beef Vegetable Soup for Senior Citizens, Bugles and a whole pie. You know, health food.

WE’RE MOVING FORWARD IN THE KITCHEN. Yesterday we signed the contract for our kitchen cabinet refacing project and handed Eric a $4,500 deposit so he can get started. He said the materials should be here in about three weeks, at which time we’ll talk again and set up a construction schedule. Apparently his crew will plastic-wrap the entire kitchen and rope it off like an ebola crime scene; I’m trying to envision how the hell will I be able to nap ten feet away in the family room and eat meals while they’re working. I’m sure the end result will be worth it, but naps and meals are awfully damn important, too.

AND THE MASTER BATHROOM IS NEXT. In case you’ve forgotten we have a design representative from ReBath of Dallas/Forth Worth coming over Wednesday morning to give us an estimate for a fancy-ass new shower and maybe a few other bathroom updates while we’re at it. A gorgeous master bathroom is always a good investment and we can’t wait to see what they suggest. Fortunately, we don’t need a complete remodel because our house is barely ten years old and there’s nothing wrong with the plumbing, our oval garden tub, the toilet, the sinks or the stone floor. Therefore we’re mostly interested in a new (and bigger) shower with a one-piece no-grout stone enclosure and a sit-down bench, a vanity counter to match the shower, refaced cabinets, snazzy new mirrors and a dramatic paint job. I WANT TO GET STARTED TODAY!

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Do you know anybody famous? I’ll end this post by name-dropping soap opera superstar Mary Beth Evans, who’s actually the best friend of my cousin’s wife.

I met Mary Beth and her family (she’s married to a very adorable Jewish doctor) back in 2001 when I was living in California and wound up getting invited to her house in Pasadena for Thanksgiving. If you’re wondering what the hell made me think of her after all this time, I ran across this picture today on Gawker.com at the Daytime Emmy Awards. FYI, when your husband is a plastic surgeon you never age.

Thank you for reading this.