We have a conundrum.

Here’s what’s going on, okay? When Sam was outside a couple of hours ago cleaning up the back yard and patio from the big-ass thunderstorm that roared through here Friday [see post] he found TWO ROOF SHINGLES on the grass on the south side of the house. Gah!

I’m very good at self-diagnosis. Every 45 minutes I have the urge to pee like Seabiscuit.

Sam and I woke up way too early this morning. He has a rare (for Sam) problem with insomnia and I’m trying to fight off the early signs of a bladder infection, which actually began on Friday. (I’m very good at self-diagnosis. Every 45 minutes I have the urge to pee like Seabiscuit except it doesn’t happen.) To cheer me up Sam went to McDonald’s this morning to buy me a Sausage McMuffin. Marriage is a fine institution.

I’ll bet you’re wondering what’s on our agenda for the three-day holiday weekend.

I’ve got TWO BIG SCOOPS from Howdygram headquarters! First, last night Sam unpacked and set up our new Midea HS-65L mini fridge! It’s adorable, it’s running, it’s really quiet and I LOVE THIS THING SO DAMN HARD. Later today we’ll have to buy some soda — I’m thinking teeny bottles of Coke Zero and diet ginger ale — so I can start drinking ice cold things in the middle of the night.

Holy crap. We’re having a surprise thunderstorm!

Hi, boys and girls! It’s a hot, sticky Friday in Howdygramland (94° last time I checked) and there isn’t much going on around here except for: 1) digesting lunch; 2) regrouping my neurons following a lovely afternoon nap; and 3) planning my next meal. In case you give a crap, lunch was Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf on low-carb rye and dinner will be my latest almost-Italian recipe for senior citizens, which I’ll cover in detail for you RIGHT NOW.

Bobby Jindal thinks he’s a white man. And he sincerely believes the racists in the GOP think so, too.

I have a brand new Putz of the Week for you! This time the Howdygram would like to recognize Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, a self-hating pukehead Republican of the first degree who seriously believes that RACISM EXISTS BECAUSE MINORITIES REFUSE TO ACT LIKE WHITE PEOPLE. I shit you not.

If you want to tell me about your email I’m always willing to listen. I even promise not to laugh

As far as most Thursdays go mine has been fucking AWESOME. There are so many reasons I almost don’t know where to start so I’ll just spew a bunch of words at random and hope you’ll hang on for the ride. Thank you.

A tale of towels, cartridges and other Wednesday accomplishments.

This has been a VERY PRODUCTIVE DAY due to accomplishing all of the following significant tasks. Prepare to be overwhelmed.

We don’t need any stinking Whoppers from the un-American tax dodgers at Burger King.

I’m feeling A LITTLE WEIRD right now. My symptoms, in case you give a crap, include drowsiness, nausea and shortness of breath. All three are slight, fortunately, but when you throw them together all at once you definitely feel (as I said before) A LITTLE WEIRD. These are potential side effects from Naproxen but also (more likely) could be related to what I ate for lunch today, namely two teeny cans of Hormel smoked ham with mayonnaise and sugar-free pickle relish. I might have to lie down in bed for a while to recover from a ham salad overdose.

Guess what happens when illiterates run a newspaper.

Yo, everybody. It’s a hot and clammy Monday afternoon, and as far as I can tell I currently have three possible options: 1) write a post for the Howdygram even though I don’t feel especially inspired; 2) take another nap until it’s time for my next meal; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. However, since I’m already accomplishing item number one I guess I’ll just press on.

I’ve got the number one best-looking organized pantry in Texas. Feast your eyes.

Holy crap. I almost forgot to give you a progress report on Howdygram headquarters’ Official Gigantic Kitchen Reorganization Day [see original post]. Since a picture’s worth a thousand words please feast your eyes on the number one best-looking organized pantry in Texas. IS THIS GORGEOUS, OR WHAT?

The Howdygram would like to extend its best wishes to the vibrating residents of Napa Valley, California.

And now for something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. It’s 4:15 a.m., I just woke up for no reason at all AND I FEEL TERRIFIC. As a matter of fact, I’ve been feeling terrific for the last several days and I can attribute my good fortune to the following: 1) I’m taking Naproxen twice a day; and 2) the month-long plantar fasciitis flare-up in my left heel is history. As a result, for the first time in maybe three years I’M COMPLETELY PAIN-FREE. It’s a life-changer.

It’s Official Gigantic Kitchen Reorganization Day here at Howdygram headquarters.

Another Saturday, another Sausage McMuffin, and shalom to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters, where the Internet’s elite meet to read pointless horseshit from a retired senior citizen with a lot of time on her hands. (In other words, me.) I have no specific subjects in mind for this post so I’ll probably just type aimlessly until it’s time to eat things. (We don’t miss meals here. NOT EVER.)

Enter the Howdygram’s official Rick Perry Mugshot Contest.

And now, for your Friday afternoon political entertainment, please welcome the Howdygram’s OFFICIAL RICK PERRY MUGSHOT CONTEST in honor of Governor Hairdo’s indictment earlier this week on two felony charges for abuse of power. Just pick your favorite “meme” and click the link below to vote via email. Everybody who enters will win a VALUABLE PRIZE if you’ll remember to include a mailing address when you vote. Thank you.

Miscellaneous Friday news and another scary food recall.

There’s a big remodeling hoo-hah coming up at Howdygram headquarters next Tuesday. Sam hired a crew to re-stain the cedar fence in our back yard and the cedar arbor on our patio. I don’t know whether or not you think this is important late-breaking news, but we sure do because it costs a lot of dough and we make it a rule never to sneeze at $1,800.

Rick Perry thinks ISIS terrorists from Iraq are sneaking into Texas across the Rio Grande.

Holy crap, I’m SO DAMN EXCITED today! I just redesigned the Howdygram’s banner from a denim texture to wood because this is my blog, I can change anything I want AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME. Thank you for understanding.

Viewing guide for the last 10 days of TCM’s Summer Under the Stars.

Hi, boys and girls! It’s the crack of 5 a.m., and as long as I’m parked at my desk with another round of hypoglycemia I might as well share my picks for the final 10 days of TCM’s SUMMER UNDER THE STARS hoo-hah.

Yoders canned bacon: The stuff that dreams are made of.

I don’t want to jinx myself or anything, but I FEEL REALLY TERRIFIC TODAY. The excruciating pain in my left heel (from plantar fasciitis) has dropped from a level 10 to a level 2 on the Official Howdygram Agony Scale, I have zero pain whatsoever in my arthritic knees, and for the time being most of my other frequent complaints are currently nonexistent, too. These would include such ailments as scary-low body temperature, crappy bladder control, useless hands due to diabetic peripheral neuropathy and a very itchy back.

Welcome to the decadent life of a housebound senior citizen.

Even though you might think it’s not much fun being a stay-at-home retired senior citizen with shitty knees and feet, most of the time you’d be REALLY WRONG. My life at Howdygram headquarters includes a wide variety of interesting activities and decadent perks, which I’ll outline for you below in subtitled paragraphs.

The worst mall TV commercial of all time.

Here it is, people. For your Monday night viewing pleasure, I’ve got the absolute WORST mall TV commercial of all time.

The outrageously huge and sweaty Texas State Fair opens on September 25.

Hi. It’s that time again, people ... the Texas State Fair has announced its eight finalists for the coveted Big Tex Choice Awards, an annual competition that honors the most creative and best-tasting deep-fried shit on the midway. Winners will be announced on September 1; this year’s fair runs from September 25 through October 19. I’ll list the finalists for you below with a few pictures thrown in for your possible interest. Thank you.

Trailer park politics: Why it’s impossible to take the right wing seriously.

You’ll never in a million years guess what we’ve been doing for the last 24 hours. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DUE TO THUNDERSTORMS! No kidding, people ... we’ve had nonstop rain and thunder here in the greater drought-stricken Dallas area since mid-afternoon Saturday, and it’s such a big fat hoot to see everything SOAKING WET for a change. And the best part is, THERE’S MORE ON THE WAY TONIGHT. Holy crap, right?

Rick Perry, our most-awarded Putz of the Week, has been indicted for abuse of power.

Hello, happy Saturday, and guess who’s having another episode of hypoglycemia. ME. After I got up for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure around 4:15 I couldn’t fall back asleep due to every ten minutes my eyes would pop wide open and I’d find myself doing this weird deep-breathing thing like when you go to the doctor. Finally I just got out of bed, shlepped into the study on my shitty plantar fasciitis heel and tested my blood sugar, which was 51. VERY LOW. And now you know why I’m sitting at my desk at 5:38 in the morning sucking on glucose tablets. I’d rather have a Sausage McMuffin, but we all have to live with disappointments.

Hanukkah came early this year!

Howdygram headquarters has turned into the Twilight Zone due to THREE REALLY SPOOKY THINGS that actually happened today.

Here’s the news of the day from Howdygram headquarters in neat little subtitled paragraphs.

Because all the best putzes are politicians, for the time being there will be a self-imposed moratorium on our popular Putz of the Week award as part of my continuing campaign to prevent a BRAIN HEMORRHAGE by avoiding news websites and all human contact with anything that resembles politics or current events. That being said, I guess there really isn’t much else to do around here except write rambling Howdygram posts about what’s for dinner, old movies, record-setting naps and how pleasant it is to be a retired senior citizen with frequently-shitty mobility.

Do not get me started on that disgusting police state shit in Ferguson, Missouri.

To avoid any contact whatsoever with current events because the world is so fucked up I think I’m having a nervous breakdown — do NOT get me started on that disgusting police state shit in Ferguson, Missouri — I figure this is probably an ideal time to distract myself by recommending the upcoming week’s best movies on TCM’s August SUMMER UNDER THE STARS hoo-hah.

I haven’t had a decent BLT for years.

It’s a cool, crisp mid-August afternoon here in north Texas, the thermometer peaking at only 92° under a blue and remarkably not hazy sky. I only mention the weather because our typical daytime temperature this time of year is more like 105° with muggy air that’s not fit to breathe unless you’re an armadillo or a herd of grasshoppers.

Just between us, I’m beginning to think the American Revolution was a huge mistake.

Yo from Texas, everybody. I haven’t been around too much for the last few days due to the following substantial reasons: 1) feeling like shit; and 2) I can’t think of anything else. Mostly the problems were NONSTOP HYPOGLYCEMIA and INTENSE HEEL PAIN, although today, finally, I’m ready to rejoin the human race. I’ve had a lot of very juicy naps.

Sarah Palin is a pointless, self-absorbed whoopee cushion.

It’s 4 a.m. and I’m having another hypoglycemic “incident” so I thought it might be nice to hang out in the study while I amuse myself with tasty glucose chewables from Wal-Mart. Today’s featured flavor is raspberry but they also come in cherry, grape, baby aspirin orange, fruit punch and assorted tropical fruits. Glucose chewables are one of my favorite food groups and my favorite flavor is the assorted tropical fruit because PINEAPPLE AND COCONUT!

Sam just walked in with a couple of good-lookin’ Sausage McMuffins.

Another day, another madhouse at Howdygram headquarters. That’s TWO DAYS IN A ROW, guys! As is my wont, here’s a neatly-typed, attractively-subtitled list of Saturday’s memorable events. Thank you.

Holy crap, people. You do not want to sneeze at cellulitis.

Do you ever research your medical symptoms online like the rest of us stupid mortals? Be careful what you look for ... YOU MIGHT FIND OUT YOU REALLY HAVE IT.

When Sam and I went to bed a couple of hours ago I couldn’t fall asleep due to a nagging frantic fear that something is still seriously wrong with me. I’m sure you remember the shitty mystery fever that sent me to Baylor Hospital’s E.R. last Sunday, right? The hospital couldn’t pinpoint the cause of the fever because they suspected the cause might not have manifested itself yet ... AND THEY WERE RIGHT. Three days later (on Wednesday) Sam noticed a rash of strange insect bites above my left knee even though I haven’t spent any time outdoors since my second year of college, and now, today, a large area of my left thigh feels warm and sore to the touch. Combine all these weird and strangely-unrelated symptoms — fever, insect bites, rash, sore leg — and you know what you get? According to the Mayo Clinic’s handy-dandy middle-of-the-night nightmare-inducing website, it’s CELLULITIS. Holy crap, people. You do NOT want to sneeze at cellulitis, so I’ll have to call Dr. M’s office first thing Monday and make an appointment to see her right away.

Welcome to Grand Central Station, the suburban Dallas residence formerly known as Howdygram headquarters.

IT’S A MADHOUSE AROUND HERE, PEOPLE. So go get yourself a popsicle or couple of cookies and I’ll explain how come. Because inquiring minds want to know.

Thanks to some cheerful U.S. mail I am no longer very crabby.

A few hours ago I decided to write a Howdygram post about being VERY CRABBY TODAY. Fortunately for all concerned I’m feeling a whole bunch less crabby now than I did then, thanks to a long nap after lunch and some cheerful U.S. mail that Sam dropped on my desk before he left for work. This included all of the following.

I can’t wait to bury my happy face in a plate of egg foo young.

Oy, my appetite is finally starting to come back and I need Chinese for dinner tonight. It’s been so damn long I can’t even remember the last time I ordered from China City. And because my blood sugar has been pretty low for the last five days I’ll get “carby” crap so I won’t conk out.

What I did all day today. You may need coffee to stay awake.

Here’s a tidy rundown of my Tuesday activities in case you’re wondering what I did all day today. Please feel free to grab a cup of coffee if you’re afraid you might not stay awake. This shit’s not especially interesting, even to ME.

It’s obviously legal to be a sociopath in Arizona.

Good morning and I hope you’re having an above-average Tuesday even though it’s only 9:15. I was supposed to be in the podiatrist’s office RIGHT NOW but had to reschedule due to still feeling unmotivated and limp. Also fuck wearing a brassiere and leaving the house, especially after having another truly lousy night. My shitty mystery fever may be gone — hallelujah and yee-haw — but now I’m at war with HYPOGLYCEMIA. Trust me. I’m definitely NOT IN THE MOOD for additional crap and aggravation.

Meet our new American Standard water-saver toilet with a clever slow-close seat that doesn’t slam.

MAZEL TOV FROM TEXAS! We are now the proud owners of a shiny new American Standard Cadet® 3 water-saver toilet with a clever slow-close seat that never slams, a patented EverClean® surface “that inhibits the growth of stain and odor-causing bacteria,” and handy-dandy “no tools installation” that still required the strength of two men (our handyman brought a helper) or somebody will end up with a hernia.

I fell down yesterday and broke my favorite toilet.

Sam and I just spent the last four hours at Baylor Hospital’s emergency room due to me being really, really sick with a 104° fever and having a hard time catching my breath. They gave me “the works,” which included a peepee sample, an I.V., an EKG, a chest x-ray and lots of tubes of blood, which was NOT AN EASY ACCOMPLISHMENT because this involved stabbing me in both hands, both arms, my right shoulder and my right forearm (in three different places). Two nurses also attempted to catheterize me but stopped when I threatened to kill them.

I ran out of Jell-O. Kill me now.

Can we talk? I’ve had a really crappy day and I NEED SYMPATHY. I’m home alone, my temperature is 101.4° and I have a pounding headache, chills, body aches, muscle pain AND I RAN OUT OF JELL-O LAST NIGHT. I can’t begin to tell you how awful this is. I hate being sick.

Never again. Never, ever again.

Holy crap, people. I definitely jinxed myself in yesterday’s Howdygram post with a big, stupid rant about feeling swell and pain-free, because last night around 8:30 I started running that shitty mystery fever again, except this time it’s EXTREMELY HIGH — almost 102° — with severe body aches, muscle pain and chills. I have no other symptoms, just a high fever.