Here’s our essential guide to the 2014 State Fair of Texas.

Hi, y’all. Howdygram headquarters is full of late-breaking Texas news today! But first ... in case you haven’t seen the latest photo from Paris Fashion Week, here are frozen-face professional poser Kim Kardashian, wearing a skirt so short she had to hide her “hoo-hoo” from the media, and her douchebag spouse, the megalomaniac Kanye West, both TOPLESS at the Lanvin runway show. Caught on video by TMZ, they were booed loudly by the crowd when they entered the arena and Kanye had a fucking STROKE because the dumb slob thinks he deserves to be the most respected half-naked American in the room with man-boobs and a trophy tramp wife. That’s definitely one of the best sentences I’ve ever written.

There’s no such thing as too much gravy.

Yo, people, and I’d like to extend my best wishes for a very HAPPY FRIDAY to you and yours! I didn’t have time to write a Howdygram post yesterday in-between naps, two hypoglycemic episodes and Melvyn Douglas movies, so I’ll do my best to make amends for it RIGHT NOW. Thank you.

The outrageously huge and sweaty Texas State Fair opens on September 25.

Hi. It’s that time again, people ... the Texas State Fair has announced its eight finalists for the coveted Big Tex Choice Awards, an annual competition that honors the most creative and best-tasting deep-fried shit on the midway. Winners will be announced on September 1; this year’s fair runs from September 25 through October 19. I’ll list the finalists for you below with a few pictures thrown in for your possible interest. Thank you.

Convenience products can prevent hysterics in the kitchen due to not being able to stand at the stove.

I’m officially mad about a thing, people. YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON ME. Last night I discovered — COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT — that Libby’s makes tuna-style pouches of COOKED AND SEASONED CRUMBLY GROUND BEEF that are shelf-stable, very cheap (only $1.98) and intensely popular with savvy senior citizen reviewers on the interwebs. WHY DIDN’T ANYBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS? I just ordered a bunch of them from Wal-Mart plus three cans of Manwich to make up for lost time.

Tonight’s menu: Marcy’s World-Famous Senior Citizen Thanksgiving Bowl.

Mazel tov to me, everybody. I’ve done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING today not counting a McDonald’s Sausage McMuffin for breakfast followed by a six-hour nap in the family room. After I slept through two movies — Murder on a Honeymoon (1935) starring Edna May Oliver and Night Must Fall (1937) starring Robert Montgomery and Dame May Whitty — I shut off the damn TV altogether and remained unconscious in perfect silence until 4:20 in the afternoon.

A happy Internet discovery ... canned meat for senior citizens!

Shalom, good morning, happy Friday and guess what I discovered by accident last night on the Internet: CANNED MEAT FOR SENIOR CITIZENS! Brinkman Farms sells big-ass 28-ounce cans of white meat turkey, chicken, chunky beef, ground beef and pork plus a couple of canned entrees and soups. I got so hysterical about real canned meat THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE ANY ACTUAL COOKING that Sam told me to go ahead and buy a bunch so we can try them. He didn’t have to tell me twice.

Dead body alert.

I just read a news story that local law enforcement is asking for tips about the murder of a dead dude named Eddie who was found Monday night in a Dodge pickup at a strip mall on Town East Boulevard ... RIGHT HERE IN MESQUITE! Eddie was taken to Baylor University Medical Center where he was pronounced still dead. Witnesses saw an Einstein running from the scene, so if If you know anything concrete or just want to take a wild guess please call the Mesquite police at (972) 285-6336. Thank you.

Introducing the Howdygram’s Top Ten List of Fun Activities for Housebound Senior Citizens.

This is your lucky day, people! Today is the first of July and I’ve just decided to post my new Top Ten List of Fun Activities for Housebound Senior Citizens, which appears below for your possible interest. I strongly recommend that you take notes because if you’re not a senior citizen yet you probably will be, eventually. So here goes.

For a retired senior citizen I have far too much crap on my Monday “do” list.

Sam and I celebrated his birthday yesterday at Cafe Greek in Dallas, a nice ethnic buffet with surprisingly tasty food, plenty of napkins and no customers. Here’s a full-color portrait of their buffet for your possible interest. They also have spinach pies, really good eggplant whatnots, big vats of hummus and Sam’s favorite custard dessert.

Official Meatloaf Day and other meaningful diversions.

Know how to feel better about all the frustrating horseshit in the news? Do what I do. Spend a little time every day on the Royal Family’s website, because these calm, privileged, overdressed people are obviously so out of touch with reality it’s like they got dropped off on Earth from another planet with a lot of outrageous clothes. Check out the following pictures, okay? I especially love the geezers in tricorns and red dresses at the Founder’s Day lineup and the fancy velvet whatnots (with tassles!) and fluffy hats at the Order of the Garter hoo-hah. As for the Yeomen of the Guard, what can one say about a flotilla of men in red tights and 14th century ruffles? In service as the Queen’s bodyguards, they pretend to search the cellar ahead of the State Opening of Parliament every year, a solemn and recurring ritual that harkens back to the famous Gunpowder Plot of 1605 when Guy Fawkes tried to blow up Parliament. Seriously.

I’ve designated tomorrow as Official Meatloaf Day. The parade starts at 4:15.

This has been a productive and intensely exciting Friday for me, having already accomplished all of the following chores and projects.

Things I’ve done today (so far).

In case you’re wondering how a housebound senior citizen spends a typical Thursday, I’m pretty sure the following unsolicited information will entertain and enlighten you. Or not.

I’m not even sure I feel like writing a Howdygram post, but what the hell. You’re stuck with me.

Hi. It’s 4:20 Thursday morning. I can’t sleep, my back itches and I’m bored. I have nothing to do, nothing to shop for, no pills to take, no socks to fold, no emails to answer, I’m avoiding the news and I don’t feel especially motivated to EAT anything, either, unless you’ve got some wintergreen Tic Tacs. (I love wintergreen Tic Tacs.) I’m not even sure I feel like writing a Howdygram post, but what the hell. You’re stuck with me.

I just realized that I smell like green olives.

Hey boys and girls, here’s the primary rule of Marcy’s Law! If something breaks and you order a replacement, the broken thing always starts working again ONLY after you’ve spent $59.99 plus tax online and Fry’s already shipped your fancy new 500GB Western Digital My Passport backup hard drive. This actually happened last night.

I recommend Errol Flynn and Hormel tamales for a perfect Friday night.

I’ve got a product recommendation for you. If you’re ever on the market for new email accounts the Howdygram would like to suggest Mail.com. No kidding, people, this is the most painless email service on the planet and I love all the different address options they offer you, such as mail.com, email.com, usa.com, teacher.com and so on. They have hundreds of choices. Everybody can get an address for free; if you upgrade to Premium service for $29.95 a year you also get POP3 functions and 24/7 telephone support. I upgraded to Premium for Sam and me and already set up POP3 so we can send and receive email through Mac Mail. Because I’m such a genius. (Everybody says so.)

Bad news for lovers of orange polyester cheese.

Let’s begin our Friday culinary adventure with shocking news from the fine people at Kraft Foods: VELVEETA HAS BEEN RECALLED IN A DOZEN STATES.

Hey, movie fans ... it’s Rock Hudson night on TCM!

It’s 5:45 p.m. on a hot and breezy Thursday here at Howdygram headquarters, and I’ve got some fascinating medical news from our Adventures in Diabetes department. MY HEELS HURT REALLY, REALLY BAD. This is plantar fasciitis again, an excruciatingly painful condition that’s triggered by (for me, anyway) diabetic peripheral neuropathy and makes you feel like you’re standing or walking on broken glass. It gets so bad I have to check the sole of my foot sometimes to prove to myself that I’m not BLEEDING TO DEATH. (I apologize if this is too much information. Deal with it, okay?) However, I just read several reports about this condition online and it’s possible I might ALSO be suffering from something called tarsal tunnel syndrome, which is: “posterior tibial neuralgia, a compression neuropathy and painful foot condition where the tibial nerve is compressed or crushed as it travels through the tarsal tunnel.” Symptoms are similar to plantar fasciitis with the added joy of “numbness in the foot radiating to the first four toes, severe pain, burning, electrical shock sensations, cramping and tingling over the base of the foot and the heel, making it difficult to stand or walk.” I have all of the above. KILL ME NOW.

Pete Rose modeling Jockey underwear is 100% “click bait.”

Show of hands. Do any of you know what the term “click bait” means? It’s a headline on the Internet that grabs attention and encourages people to click and read more. And that’s exactly what I’m doing with the stupid title above, because the most-clicked post from the original Howdygram apparently is still this one from January 2013 and I’m trying to find out if I can get history to repeat itself. Every single day at least half a dozen visitors find the Howdygram by Googling “Pete Rose in his underwear.”

Sam bought a Whataburger breakfast sandwich at the airport and said it was atrocious.

Here is my Saturday morning timeline, which I’ll continue posting until my head hits the keyboard. (I’m really tired. Details follow.)

6:02 A.M. Sam should be arriving at Dallas Love Field as I write this post. A Super Shuttle picked him up in the dark about 40 minutes ago for his flight to Los Angeles. He boards at 6:55 so I’ve decided to hang out with the Howdygram for a while in case he calls from the airport while he’s eating a bagel, and then I’ll go back to bed. I definitely did NOT get much sleep last night. We’re not accustomed to waking up with an alarm clock and I kept rolling over every 15 minutes to check the time.

A detailed list of all the unforgettable crap I’ll never eat again.

I think I need to expand on a statement from my last post that all of my favorite childhood memories involved FOOD. This is absolutely true, by the way. I grew up on the north side of Chicago and suburban Skokie, went to college in Evanston and then lived in all the same neighborhoods — either alone or with my first husband — until I was into my late 30s. The map below indicates: A) where I was born in the East Rogers Park neighborhood in Chicago; B) where I grew up in Skokie; and C) where I went to college.