I’m feeling A LITTLE WEIRD right now. My symptoms, in case you give a crap, include drowsiness, nausea and shortness of breath. All three are slight, fortunately, but when you throw them together all at once you definitely feel (as I said before) A LITTLE WEIRD. These are potential side effects from Naproxen but also (more likely) could be related to what I ate for lunch today, namely two teeny cans of Hormel smoked ham with mayonnaise and sugar-free pickle relish. I might have to lie down in bed for a while to recover from a ham salad overdose.
This is the BIG DAY, people. A worker dude named Carlos from
American Outdoor Patios — I’m confused; does anybody have an INDOOR patio? — has been here since 10 a.m. re-staining our cedar fence and arbor. He must be deep-fried by now even with that rag tied around his head because it’s 98° today with 47% humidity.
Blecch.
And now for the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week award! This time we’re recognizing a fast-food turncoat and the new poster child of anti-American corporate greed, BURGER KING, for finalizing their plan to merge with a Canadian doughnut chain in order to take advantage of Canada’s lower corporate tax rate. The combined company will be headquartered in Toronto with 18,000 restaurants in 100 countries and an estimated $23 billion in sales.
No surprise ... Burger King has been slammed with criticism and negative press since this news broke on Sunday, which is clearly seen by most Americans as a way to evade U.S. taxes. Their customers are REALLY REALLY PISSED, many are calling for a boycott, and veterans are emailing members of Congress to sponsor a bill that shuts down every Burger King outlet located on American military installations and government facilities worldwide.
The bottom line is, Americans can buy slabs of meat and greasy potatoes from plenty of other restaurants AND WE DON’T NEED ANY STINKING WHOPPERS
— which look nothing like this picture, anyway — from the un-American tax dodgers at Burger King. As an alternative Sam and I would like to recommend Five Guys, Carl’s Jr. and In-N-Out, which are all better in every imaginable way ... and Five Guys even has KOSHER HOT DOGS. Thank you for your attention to this request and pass the Rolaids.
I would like to end this post with a fashion critique featuring the most repulsive red carpet look of the 21st century. Behold Lena Dunham at last night’s Emmy Awards in all her frumpy, shlumpy glory with a 1970s Dorothy Hamill haircut.
Holy mother of crap.
Thank you, as always, for reading this.
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