Getting hysterical about Republican shitheads could be detrimental to my overall well-being.

Wow. Good morning! It’s 10:25 a.m., Sam just got home from Wal-Mart with my Coumadin refill, and I’m finishing up a few last-minute Christmas card creations for The Howdygram Store. In case you’re interested, designing Christmas cards is far better than trying to digest the news from America’s dumpster fire in Congress. What the fuck is wrong with those people!?

Try my world-famous “Texas Caviar” recipe.

It’s 9:45 on an overcast Thursday morning. Welcome to November in Texas, people. Pleasant temperatures (today’s high will be 71°) but dreary. Sam is out taking a walk and I’m here in the study with the Howdygram and a bag of Chester’s cheese puffcorn. This is a nicer snack than Cheetos because Chester’s doesn’t turn your fingers orange. My only complaint: I order Chester’s Puffcorn online from Wal-Mart and they’re charging $2.75 for a bag that’s clearly marked “$2 only.” What the fuck! Are they KIDDING?

Of course he did! Our Moron-in-Chief stared at the fucking sun during today’s solar eclipse.

Yo, howdy, hi-de-ho and how the hell are you? It’s Monday night here at Howdygram headquarters, and I have to make a ridiculous confession: I FORGOT ABOUT THE SOLAR ECLIPSE TODAY. The error came to my attention about an hour ago when I checked my Facebook page and saw selfies from damn near everybody I know — and all their relatives — with their nerd glasses on. Holy shit.

At last … I’m getting a visiting foot doctor!

Howdy-do, people! We had a pleasant summery Saturday here at Howdygram headquarters yesterday, featuring surprise thunderstorms, unexpected cactus pears, a copious amount of pishing, an extremely nice lunch (details to follow), and — best of all — I’M GETTING A VISITING FOOT DOCTOR!

On Saturday afternoon I got a call from a home health agency that’s been asked to set up an appointment for me with a traveling foot doctor because I haven’t been able to visit a podiatrist’s office for routine care in more than three years.* I’m diabetic with severe peripheral neuropathy, and these diseases are nothing at which to sneeze, believe me! Please stay tuned for additional information but don’t hesitate to resume your normal routine in the meantime.

Let’s watch an out-of-shape, spray-tanned orangutan try to play tennis.

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s just after 4 a.m. and I thought I’d get an early start on today’s post while another round of thunderstorms rolls through here. We’re not expecting any hail or tornadoes ... just lots of thunder, lightning, wind and VERY HEAVY RAIN, the latter of which we need desperately. Sam was out in the garage for a couple of hours with the overhead door open enjoying our big weather hoo-hah with a can of diet ginger ale but finally went to bed about 30 minutes ago. In case you’re interested, the white star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. (You can’t see me waving because it’s extremely dark outside.)

I started taking Lasix again this morning. It’s a nuclear-powered diuretic.

Yo, guys! I honestly meant to write a Howdygram post for the last two days but got caught up with other activities … including all of the following.

Friday’s thunderstorms were epic. I could even hear my soup mugs vibrating in the kitchen.

Hey, everybody … I’VE GIVEN THE HOWDYGRAM A MAKEOVER! I’d been dicking around with a few design improvements all week and finally uploaded my new graphic files — the banner, sidebar titles, navigation links, etc. — on Friday afternoon while I waited for Sam to get home from his trip to Scottsdale. I think I did a mighty swell job with this hoo-hah, even if I say so myself. Please feel free to share your compliments here. (To send cash gifts please request our mailing address.) Thank you.

I wasted a whole Sunday. God, it was wonderful.

I’m back, after practically sleeping through (and wasting) a whole Sunday. Mostly I was conked out on the chaise in the family room, which is the best damn spot in the house, watching movies with ice water and Sam, not necessarily in that order.

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again.

It’s a beautiful Friday morning here at Howdygram headquarters, and Sam just unpacked the new LED desk lamp that I ordered from Amazon. IT’S GORGEOUS. For your possible interest here’s a photo with all of the best features labeled with neat little arrows. Sam said he’d plug it in for me next time I’m away from my desk, such as when I take my shower or a nap. Believe it or not, I actually plan to do BOTH within the next half hour or so!

Sean Spicer is a national joke representing a national disgrace. He should have resigned three months ago.

TUESDAY MORNING. About an hour ago — around 2 a.m., I think — I woke up from a nap in the family room ... with VERTIGO. No kidding, people, the entire room was spinning in a tastefully-decorated clockwise circle and nothing would stop it. I sat up on the side of the chaise lounge and tried to get my bearings, but after 20 minutes of this I started to feel nauseated from the constant motion and had to lean over sideways to rest my head. I eventually made it to the bathroom for a middle-of-the-night senior citizen bladder party and then into the study, which is where I am right now. The vertigo is still coming back every few minutes and I’M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS. Maybe I’ll feel better with a large dose of Norco and some Cheetos.

I can’t be funny when I feel like shit.

I’ve got a yooge revelation for you, boys and girls: I CAN’T BE FUNNY WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT. For the last seven days the skin on the back of my thighs felt like it was burned with a blow torch, and whenever this happens — more often than I care to admit — absolutely NOTHING makes me comfortable. Not even White Castle cheeseburgers or a few extra doses of Norco. The cause of all this is DIABETIC PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY, the same crap that: 1) makes my toes scream; 2) shoots intense pain through my left heel and “electric shocks” down the outside of my thighs; and 3) turns my hands and fingers numb. I’m presently experiencing all of the above.

One of my favorite human beings has died.

Holy crap, I really didn’t mean to do this again. It’s been FIVE WHOLE DAYS since my last post! I haven’t been sick, thank God, just all wrapped up in my other favorite addiction ... namely, creating new greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Here are three of my latest designs for your possible interest. There are 14 new cards in all and I’m still uploading the artwork, writing descriptions, choosing keywords and so on. This is a tedious — but seriously BIG FUN — process.

Please let me make your protest signs, okay?

As February winds down I realize this has NOT been a swell month for writing Howdygram posts, mostly due to a number of distractions and miscellaneous issues that had to take precedence. These have included: 1) designing greeting cards for The Howdygram Store; 2) trying not to have a nervous breakdown about the fascist slob residing in the White House; 3) sleeping and/or watching a large number of old movies; and 4) finding local protest events for Sam — he’s part of the “resistance” movement now — and designing appropriate signs he can wave at the TV cameras. For your possible interest, today at 3 p.m. Sam will be protesting Congress’ threat to repeal the ACA at Representative Jeb Hensarling’s office in north Dallas. Here are the three signs I made for today’s event.

Trump’s first 30 days were punctuated by fuck-ups, failures and meaningless campaign promises.

It’s 1:30 Tuesday morning, but I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to sit at my desk typing right now because I’ve got a miserably high fever and I feel like CRAP. In case you’re interested my fever is 101.2°. “Normal” for me is around 96°, which means 101.2° is really HIGH. Also: 1) my joints and muscles are killing me; 2) I’m sweaty and hot as an iron; and 3) I have zero bladder control. ZERO! If that’s too much information please figure out how to deal with it. Thank you.

Sam is at Dealey Plaza right now, getting ready for his first-ever protest hoo-hah.

I’m still dicking around with the Howdygram. Thursday afternoon I changed the wood background in the banner (again) and in the matching copyright section at the bottom of the right sidebar. A few more changes will show up tomorrow ... if I can stay awake long enough. This doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, because I had nine hours of sleep overnight but never really snapped out of it. An hour after I woke up I was ready to lie down again. I’m upside-down.

Yo. There’s a “blue norther” on the way today!

Happy Friday morning to you and yours from the friendly senior citizen (i.e., me) at Howdygram headquarters. I just took a look at our five-day weather forecast online and discovered that we’re expecting a “blue norther” here tomorrow. Holy shit, people! A definition follows for your possible interest.

Ryan Bundy, the eldest son of Cliven, is a modern-day “Joe Danby” and a certified idiot.

Ah, Saturday! I just woke up from a glorious seven-hour nap (details to follow) followed by a nice, hot shower ... and Sam is at Wal-Mart buying cole slaw and potato salad. Life doesn’t get much better than this, does it?!

Heartfelt thanks to the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com.

Hi. It’s 11:30 Monday night and Sam is already in bed due to starting tomorrow he’ll be working FIRST SHIFT for the first time in 25 years. My schedule will be completely screwed but I’ll do my damndest to sleep when Sam sleeps and be awake when he leaves in the morning. Cross your fingers, though. It may take a while to ease into this shit. Meanwhile ... we’ve got SCARY SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS rolling through here right now with winds in excess of 60 m.p.h. and heavy rain pounding against the windows ... even though NOTHING WHATSOEVER was in the forecast! Our heartfelt thanks to the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com.

Yee-haw! Let’s have a Medicare party!

Oy, I did it. With my 65th birthday looming ahead I just signed up for a Medicare Advantage plan! On the first of October I’ll be covered by Aetna’s Medicare Prime HMO, a very fine insurance thing with no monthly premium, no office visit co-pays, free generic drugs and — best of all — I get to keep Dr. M as my primary care physician! As soon as I get my paperwork from Aetna we’ll forward a copy to the halfwits in Sam’s personnel department so they can cancel my group insurance coverage on the appropriate date. Yee-haw! LET’S HAVE A MEDICARE PARTY! I’ll bring the diapers, cookies and denture cleaner!

Donald Trump is a pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball.

Shalom to you and yours from the fine people at Howdygram headquarters! Today I’m pleased to announce the arrival of a fat and exceptionally official envelope from the Department of Health and Human Services that heralds my enrollment in Medicare — drum roll! — and launches yours truly into the wild and crazy world of Parts A and B, Advantage Plans, Medigap insurance and thoroughly annoying Part D prescription drug coverage. Incidentally ... can somebody please tell me WHY IS INSULIN SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE when it’s been around since 1921?!