Here’s our essential guide to the 2014 State Fair of Texas.

Hi, y’all. Howdygram headquarters is full of late-breaking Texas news today! But first ... in case you haven’t seen the latest photo from Paris Fashion Week, here are frozen-face professional poser Kim Kardashian, wearing a skirt so short she had to hide her “hoo-hoo” from the media, and her douchebag spouse, the megalomaniac Kanye West, both TOPLESS at the Lanvin runway show. Caught on video by TMZ, they were booed loudly by the crowd when they entered the arena and Kanye had a fucking STROKE because the dumb slob thinks he deserves to be the most respected half-naked American in the room with man-boobs and a trophy tramp wife. That’s definitely one of the best sentences I’ve ever written.

Delusional looks from the runways of London Fashion Week.

I can’t believe I forgot to include this in my last post so I’ll just do another one, okay? Here are some recent photos from the runways of London Fashion Week that highlight the latest looks for spring from some of the planet’s most delusional designers. Details appear below.

A tale of towels, cartridges and other Wednesday accomplishments.

This has been a VERY PRODUCTIVE DAY due to accomplishing all of the following significant tasks. Prepare to be overwhelmed.

We don’t need any stinking Whoppers from the un-American tax dodgers at Burger King.

I’m feeling A LITTLE WEIRD right now. My symptoms, in case you give a crap, include drowsiness, nausea and shortness of breath. All three are slight, fortunately, but when you throw them together all at once you definitely feel (as I said before) A LITTLE WEIRD. These are potential side effects from Naproxen but also (more likely) could be related to what I ate for lunch today, namely two teeny cans of Hormel smoked ham with mayonnaise and sugar-free pickle relish. I might have to lie down in bed for a while to recover from a ham salad overdose.