If you want to tell me about your email I’m always willing to listen. I even promise not to laugh

As far as most Thursdays go mine has been fucking AWESOME. There are so many reasons I almost don’t know where to start so I’ll just spew a bunch of words at random and hope you’ll hang on for the ride. Thank you.

I’M WAITING FOR A THRILLING PACKAGE. You guessed it, people ... MY NEW MINI FRIDGE IS BEING DELIVERED TODAY. It’s the Midea HS-65L that I ordered a few days ago from Wal-Mart, which I’ll keep in the study stocked with teeny bottles of Coke Zero, Glucerna chocolate milkshakes for people with diabetes and a stash of extra insulin in case I have a middle-of-the-night health hoo-hah or just get really thirsty working on the Howdygram.

MORE FREE FONTS. I got inspired today and downloaded eight new “blotchy” fonts that basically look like chalkboard lettering. Please send me an email if you want any of these and I’ll be happy to share them with you. I also have the blank blackboard background in a .jpg file if you want that, too. (You’re welcome.)

ANOTHER GENUINELY JUICY AFTERNOON NAP. I can’t explain why I’ve been sleeping so much lately, but what the hell ... why not? I’m officially A RETIRED PERSON ON SOCIAL SECURITY and if I want to conk out right after lunch and sleep until 3:45 it’s nobody’s damn business but mine. Also it feels FANTASTIC.

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And now for the latest installment from the Howdygram’s I’ll Bet I Get Better Email Than You Do department. For your possible interest my Thursday inbox has been graced with all of the following messages:

• An email flyer from the National Mustard Museum encouraging me to spend money on their expired products because mustard never spoils. Seriously.
• The Container Store wants me to know they’re almost ready to ship the storage bins I ordered a couple of days ago. I don’t give a crap if you’re “almost ready.” JUST TELL ME WHEN THEY SHIP.
• My latest Amazon product reviews are “live.” 
• Save 15% on sausages from Hirsch’s Specialty Meats just in time for Labor Day.

• Mountainside Medical shipped my new cheapo denture cups.
• It’s time to review our latest AT&T bill online and check out all the ways these jerks continue to overcharge and screw us, month after month after month. Hey, I’m not bitter.
• Kick off the start of football season with a nice buy-one-get-one-free offer from Pizza Hut. Good idea. Make mine a thin crust with extra pepperoni.
• Macy’s says “thank you” for ordering bath towels. You’re welcome.
• Get free shipping on overpriced ink and paper during Epson’s Labor Day sale. Nope.
• American Diabetes Wholesale has free Labor Day shipping, too, when you buy glucose monitors, test strips, insulin pump supplies, adult diapers and a large variety of other depressing shit. Double nope.

Incidentally, if you want to tell me about YOUR email I’m always willing to listen. I even promise not to laugh.