Meet our new American Standard water-saver toilet with a clever slow-close seat that doesn’t slam.

MAZEL TOV FROM TEXAS! We are now the proud owners of a shiny new American Standard Cadet® 3 water-saver toilet with a clever slow-close seat that never slams, a patented EverClean® surface “that inhibits the growth of stain and odor-causing bacteria,” and handy-dandy “no tools installation” that still required the strength of two men (our handyman brought a helper) or somebody will end up with a hernia.

I took our new Cadet® 3 for a test-drive this afternoon at 4 and I’m pleased to report IT WORKS GOOD and does all the required toilet things. I love how fast it flushes and you don’t even have to jiggle the handle. Yes indeed, people, this was a BIG DAY in Howdygramland!

And now here’s an up-to-the-minute medical report in case you’ve been paying attention to my shitty mystery fever and trip to Baylor Hospital’s emergency room on Sunday. I’ll use a few clever bullet points so you’ll know what’s what.

• My fever broke twice during the night last night, leaving me limp and soaked to the skin both times. My temperature has been normal since sun-up this morning and hasn’t gone up again.
• I’m still very weak and feel sick to my stomach when I walk from room to room, possibly because the house currently looks like a city dump. Shawls, bathrobes and blankets are thrown all over the place, and when I finally gave our new Cadet® 3 toilet a spin this afternoon I discovered my $200 Calphalon 12-quart stockpot sitting in the bathroom sink with two rolls of Bounty paper towels stuffed inside.
• I think I’m still exceptionally dehydrated because I have a nagging headache and “zone out” quite a lot, stare off into space and feel generally confused, disoriented, lethargic and mopey. I’m using a 1984 vacation to Ixtapa, Mexico, as my point of reference for this, when I came home with Montezuma’s revenge and my ex-husband found me slouched on the kitchen floor speaking in tongues. I don’t remember what happened next. (Tonight I couldn’t figure out where to position my fingers on the keyboard to type this post. Seriously.)
• My blood sugar is very low and my endocrine system is out of whack. I should be excited about this but I’m NOT because I don’t understand why it’s happening. I injected the correct amount of insulin for dinner, ate two pieces of pizza, and two hours later my blood sugar was only 72. It should have been closer to 140. Somebody please call the diabetes police and let me know what time they’ll get here. I want to get back in whack as soon as possible.

It’s 10:15 p.m. and I’m waiting for Sam to come home from work. Let me know if you see him on the freeway, okay? He’s really cute, driving a black Hyundai Sonata and heading eastbound on Interstate 30. The following attractive route map indicates: A) Sam’s office at Crescent Court in Uptown; and B) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. Average travel time: 18 minutes.

Thank you for reading this tonight. Thank you for reading this EVERY night.