Just between us, I’m beginning to think the American Revolution was a huge mistake.

Yo from Texas, everybody. I haven’t been around too much for the last few days due to the following substantial reasons: 1) feeling like shit; and 2) I can’t think of anything else. Mostly the problems were NONSTOP HYPOGLYCEMIA and INTENSE HEEL PAIN, although today, finally, I’m ready to rejoin the human race. I’ve had a lot of very juicy naps.

While I realize that everybody on the planet (and maybe on other planets as well) probably knows by now that Robin Williams died yesterday, here’s the news in case you haven’t heard: ROBIN WILLIAMS DIED YESTERDAY. He was a funny, tender-hearted soul who chose suicide after a life-long struggle with depression, addiction and demons. R.I.P., Mork. In case you’re interested, Robin Williams and I were both the same age and grew up in Chicago. There were no other similarities whatsoever.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but if you ever get fed up with your job, aggravating current events, American politics or generally feeling like a bunch of whiny crap, all you have to do is visit the official website of Britain’s Royal Family and life is instantly better because of INSANELY WELL-BRED PEOPLE and FANTASTIC OUTFITS. For instance, below are a smattering of important royals in their matching Order of the Thistle get-ups, which is Scotland’s highest order of chivalry.

There is nothing in America that even comes close to a glorious hoo-hah like this. Just between us, I’m beginning to think the American Revolution was a huge mistake because nobody can be crabby wearing hats like that. Or those gigantic tassles.

Two more news tidbits before I retreat into the kitchen to forage for dinner. First, there was an ARMED ROBBERY not too far from here yesterday at the 7 Eleven on the corner of Northwest Drive and Oates. I’m feeling mildly freaked out because THIS IS A REALLY NICE NEIGHBORHOOD with big houses, a golf course, zero criminals and wide streets with trees! The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the aforementioned 7 Eleven; C) Sam’s favorite neighborhood lake; and D) China City. They have excellent Mongolian chicken.

Second, yesterday I added Sam’s favorite Planters fruit & nut trail mix to my Amazon Subscribe & Save order for August. You get 72 teeny bags — 2 oz. each — for $32.19, which is actually an excellent deal if you’re into fruit & nut trail mix. And there’s even a “virtual coupon” for an extra 20% off. HOLY CRAP!

Thank you for reading this.