I will not show Debbie Riddle my 63-year-old crotch under any circumstances.

I’ll begin with a one-word explanation for yesterday’s Howdygram post: EXCELLENT NARCOTICS. (Okay, that’s two words.) Dr. M doubled the dose of my hydrocodone prescription a couple of days ago, and when Sam came home with the bottle from Wal-Mart yesterday morning my inaugural pill got me so fucked-up I couldn’t type, finish a sentence or remember how to spell “the.” IT WAS WONDERFUL. I eventually gave up trying to compose an article and took a series of increasingly juicy naps beginning at 11 a.m.

Wow.

See tomorrow’s post for additional information.

Lindsay Lohan has fucked up her community service hoo-hah.

Hi-de-ho, y’all. It’s 4 a.m. Thursday morning and I haven’t been to bed yet due to an abundance of strangely-timed naps on Wednesday night. I thought I’d hang out with the Howdygram for a while until I’m ready to conk out.

Einsteins with mittens and ski masks were here to mow our frozen, dead lawn today.

There’s so much amazing crap going on today at Howdygram headquarters that I almost don’t know where to start ... but I’m thinking neatly-subtitled paragraphs might be the best and most attractive approach, so here goes. Thank you.

Sam made a big snowball today for show-and-tell.

I’m pleased to report that we survived another mostly-bogus winter weather hoo-hah. At 4:15 this morning we had another brief thundersleet event raging outside; our second round since Monday. Lucky us, though ... everything changed to JUST ICE and then A LOT OF NASTY COLD RAIN, and by 8 a.m. the temperature dipped one more degree and we wound up with just enough PRETTY FLUFFY SNOW for Sam to run outside in his parka and make a big ball for show-and-tell. By noon it was sunny and 45° and not a trace of anything remained.

State legislatures are the farm teams for our stupid, dysfunctional Congress.

Happy Tuesday afternoon from Howdygram headquarters. Sam went to work today in a powerful display of weather defiance — FUCK YOU, ICE STORM! — and I’m here at home, holding down the proverbial fort. I’ve always been good at fort-holding-down, especially if it includes a large volume of food. In anticipation of who-knows what I placed an emergency order with Amazon Prime Pantry this morning for the additional essential provisions pictured here.

Our newest senior citizen recipe is a real doozy.

Yo from the helpless winter wasteland of north Texas. We’re still covered in a shiny layer of ice from yesterday’s storm, and according to online news reports the entire Dallas/Fort Worth metro area will be shut down for the second day in a row due to nobody knows how to drive on shit like this and every road, ramp, freeway, bridge and parking lot is a SKATING RINK. For me, though, this is no big deal whatsoever because Sam might work from home again and I’ve got plenty of braunschweiger and Coke Zero. Also Pop Secret with movie theater butter.

Holy shit. I hear thundersleet!

Yes, dear readers, at 6:15 a.m. we’ve got THUNDERSLEET here in the Dallas metro area as pellets of ice and noise from the heavens rain down on the city. We’re expecting up to two inches of this miserable frozen crap by noon today followed by 36 hours of steady temperatures in the 20s, which means NOTHING WILL MELT AND WE’RE SCREWED. (I hate ice storms.) The red star on the following map indicates Howdygram headquarters. Don’t bother zooming in; it’s too damn cold for me to stand outside and wave.

We’re stocking up on essentials before the ice storm cometh.

Shalom, what’s up and howdy-do from north Texas! Sam is at Central Market as I write this post, a glorious gourmet grocery venue with so much excellent crap a person’s brain could explode. Central Market is basically a FOODIE HEAVEN ... a combination of Whole Foods and EatZi’s except exponentially HUGER and WAY BETTER. I especially love Central Market’s deli, prepared food and bakery, and they also have gorgeous produce to-die-for and the most enormous fresh meat department in the western hemisphere. Holy shitsky. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Central Market on Lovers Lane in Dallas.

God bless narcotics.

Yes, friends, narcotics are a HUGE FUCKING SUCCESS around here. I had a deliriously pleasant, pain-free evening tonight with Sam, leftovers, a Danny Kaye movie and hydrocodone [see earlier post]. I’ll take my next dose about an hour from now and I can’t wait because this is the first time in almost five years I haven’t had to deal with nonstop crippling pain.

Live-blogging my foray into drug addiction.

Just for the hell of it I’ve decided to “live blog” my Saturday afternoon foray into drug addiction. About half an hour ago I took my first hydrocodone tablet to relieve the intense chronic pain in my knees, feet and legs. I’m hoping for two possible outcomes: 1) getting high; and 2) feeling human again. So let’s move on to the live blogging shit, shall we?

Do any of you still use landline phones at home?

A few days ago I shot my mouth off and blabbed that Texas was probably all through with winter because it’s mostly been in the 60s and 70s here for the last couple of weeks. Well, guess what. WE’RE EXPECTING AN ICE STORM SUNDAY NIGHT. Areas northwest of Dallas/Fort Worth (i.e., Wichita Falls) will get snow; the rest of the metro area will wind up with ice, sleet and/or freezing rain, although I’m not exactly sure what’s the difference because you can’t drive in ANY of them. The teeny red star on the following weather map indicates Howdygram headquarters.

I’ve always been a real sucker for the Russian revolution.

I am deeply sorry that I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday. I tried a couple of times but succumbed frequently to the following variety of ongoing physical complaints: 1) my left heel feels like somebody’s frying it with a blow torch — due to diabetic peripheral neuropathy — and the pain only stops if I elevate my leg; 2) three big hypoglycemic episodes; 3) I fell at home Tuesday night [see post] and plan to milk it for all it’s worth; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. Thank you for putting up with me.

I fell down last night.

Breaking news, dear readers. I FELL LAST NIGHT AND COULDN’T GET UP. Carrying my dinner into the den I tripped on the edge of the area rug, flew across the room and landed like a ton of bricks. I broke my beautiful glass candle runner on the coffee table, spilled a bowl of chili and a full 32-oz. tumbler of Coke Zero — with a billion ice cubes — all over the carpet, and I injured my stomach on something (I think the corner of the coffee table) because I’ve got a huge red streak across my belly and some broken skin. But I was damn fortunate because: 1) Sam was 15 minutes away at work and not in California (he was in L.A. all last week); 2) the cordless phone was at arm’s length on the coffee table and not sitting in its charger in the foyer where I couldn’t reach it; and 3) I didn’t crack my head on the wrought iron bench in front of the fireplace (I missed it by inches), break any bones or shatter the glass top on the coffee table.

News flash. I can’t warm up today.

Hello from Texas. I’M FREEZING MY ASS OFF. It’s 33° outside right now ... windy, slightly damp and thoroughly shitty. I’ve got my space heater on in the study and I’m considering a hot shower — with the water temperature set to “steam” — to try and warm up. This is all extremely unpleasant to senior citizens such as yours truly who suffer from internal thermostat issues. (I feel hypothermic in the middle of SUMMER.)

American idiot tries running with the bulls. The bulls won.

I’ve got all kinds of fascinating news to share this morning, and as is my wont to do I’ll list everything in neat, subtitled paragraphs to avoid confusing anybody, yours truly included. Thank you for paying attention.

Rick Perry believes that poor, freedom-loving Texans are proud not to have health insurance.

I just had the shittiest night’s sleep of my entire life. THE ABSOLUTE SHITTIEST. I went to bed this morning at 4:30 a.m. and laid there gasping for air — it almost felt like a panic attack — for two and a half miserable hours until I finally got up about 15 minutes ago. It’s 7:20. I’m not feeling happy, perky, peppy or glad to be alive. Instead, I’m just going to nurse on a teeny bottle of Coke Zero from the mini-fridge and swallow my morning meds. DON’T TRY TO STOP ME, EITHER. As soon as I can muster up some energy I will drag my ass into the kitchen to look for food. I want breakfast and I WANT IT NOW. (Thank you.)

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours.

Holy crap, I can hardly believe it ... TWO IMPORTANT NATIONAL HOLIDAYS IN A ROW! Yesterday was Friday the 13th and today is Valentine’s Day!

A lamp is still on in the family room and I don’t think I can walk that far to turn it off.

Happy Friday the 13th to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters. I tried to find a compelling yet family-friendly graphic to include with this post, but sadly everything on the Internet related to Friday the 13th has been derailed by that repulsive horror movie franchise. You know, pictures of a woman with an ax in her head and some crazy asshole wearing a hockey mask.

John Wayne, the big all-American “he-man” icon who ran like a girl and never went to war.

I’m having some issues this morning with my knees and feet. No kidding, people, if I could figure out a way to shlep myself from room to room WITHOUT ACTUALLY WALKING I’d be the happiest old broad in Texas. For instance, right now I’d love to eat a nice toasted English muffin with cheese on it but I don’t think I can make it to the kitchen so I’ll just continue typing a lot of Howdygram crapola until lunch time. It’s 9:45 a.m.

Montana State Representative David Moore is obviously terrified of penises.

Hi. Remember the Alamo? (Just checking.)

It’s 3 a.m. on a glorious, happy Friday here at Howdygram headquarters! In case you’re wondering, I took my blood pressure medication Thursday morning at breakfast (rather than at bedtime) for the second day in a row [see original post] but had a TOTALLY DIFFERENT REACTION than on Wednesday. I felt FINE instead of whiny, miserable, jittery, gaspy, crabby, achy, angry, despondent and surly. However, by noon I was so drugged I couldn’t keep my eyes open so I ate the fastest lunch in history (I don’t even remember chewing) and passed out on the chaise in the family room for a four and a half hour nap. FOUR AND A HALF HOURS. No complaints. It was delicious.

I’d rather risk an arrest for felony tax evasion than have my 1040 prepared at Wal-Mart.

Let’s clear up one pending mystery from the get-go: Taking my blood pressure medication in the morning instead of bedtime IS A VERY, VERY SHITTY IDEA. Dr. M thought the change might alleviate some of my sleeplessness at night (I added three new prescriptions a couple of weeks ago) but this is NOT working out very well. For the last eight hours I’ve been whiny, miserable, jittery, gaspy, crabby, achy, angry, despondent, surly and NOT HAPPY AT ALL. I’d rather not sleep at night ever again than spend my days feeling like THIS!

“Mildred Pierce” is not a comedy.

It’s the middle of the night again, but I’ll bet you’re used to this by now, right? It’s 4:25 a.m. and I just slept through a couple of excellent movies Mildred Pierce (1945) starring Joan Crawford and Ann Blyth and Teacher’s Pet (1958) starring Doris Day, Clark Gable and Gig Young. To those of you who are unfamiliar with either or both of these films I will offer a brief synopsis for you here. We’ll begin with Mildred Pierce, the soap opera that rocketed Joan Crawford to her only Oscar.

I’m on the verge of a hypoglycemic episode and my stomach sounds like the starting gate at the Indianapolis 500.

I’m still upside-down in the sleep department — even after two really juicy naps lasting until almost 8 p.m. — but things may be getting better starting immediately. In an email today Dr. M suggested that I start taking my blood pressure medication in the morning because right now I’ve got an overload of pills at bedtime that keep me awake all night like a pasty-face zombie. So I’ll try taking Benazepril tomorrow at breakfast instead. Y’all can stay tuned for additional updates but please feel free to continue your normal routine in the meantime.

The only time I can’t fall asleep is at night like a normal person.

Hi. It’s me again after another completely sleepless night even though I tried. I really did. I went to bed at 3:15 this morning and laid there for two and a half hours listening to myself breathe. I’ve decided that my new prescription meds — Warfarin, Metoprolol and Gabapentinin — must be causing this in combination with all the other drugs I already take at bedtime, namely Amitripytyline, Trazodone, Benazepril Hydrochlorothiazide and Wal-Mart’s store brand arthritis-strength Tylenol knockoff. I have no trouble napping for five or six hours during the day; THE ONLY TIME I CAN’T FALL ASLEEP IS AT NIGHT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. I think I’ll send an email to Dr. M this morning and find out if I can rearrange some of these pills because being awake all night is getting on my nerves.

I watched 15 minutes of the Grammy Awards last night.

I wrote a post yesterday about canned cheese for senior citizens but forgot to tell you where to buy it. This was an oversight of monumental proportions and one that I certainly hope I’ll never repeat in my lifetime. Therefore, click here to buy these wonderful little cans of really excellent Australian cheddar cheese from Pleasant Hill Grain.

I’m killing time. Join the party.

Know what? I’m having A VERY, VERY SHITTY NIGHT. I’ve tried to go to bed twice but I can’t fall asleep! I just lay there in bed gasping for air like I can’t breathe (even though I can) and imagining my blood sugar is too low (it isn’t). This is really fucked up. So now I’m parked at my desk in the study at 4 a.m. with a little bottle of Coke Zero from the mini fridge and the early stages of what appears to be A LOUSY MIGRAINE HEADACHE. I’d cheer myself up by ordering a mountain of fabulous crap from Wal-Mart and Amazon except I don’t wany any deliveries while Sam is out of town due being a mobility-impaired senior citizen who can’t shlep cartons into the house by myself. Towards the end of the week, however, I’ll be placing the following orders ... starting with three bottles of apricot SweetLeaf drops and a dozen cans of my favorite Hormel smoked ham that we can’t find in any of our local supermarkets. (They sell a ham knockoff at Dollar Tree that’s not nearly as tasty as Hormel.)

Surviving canned cheese, green olives, an oncoming migraine and Bruce Jenner.

It’s 3:45 Sunday morning, Sam is Phoenix AND I’VE GOT A CRAVING. I desperately need a can of Australian cheddar cheese and a bowl of nice big green olives stuffed with red whatnots, pictured below for your possible interest. Even though I’ve got both items in the refrigerator there are a couple of pivotal issues holding me back from a trip to the kitchen: 1) knee pain; and 2) I think I feel a migraine starting, in which case I’d be way better off in bed with the lights out instead of eating things in the family room with this week’s episode of “Millionaire Matchmaker.”

West Virginia lawmakers are discussing legal protection for the beautiful babies of rape.

Hi, people. I want to begin this post with our latest Putz of the Week honoree, a lowlife state delegate in West Virginia named Brian Kurcaba, who made the following jaw-dropping remark this week during a House of Delegates discussion of a law to ban all abortions in the state after 20 weeks: “Obviously rape is awful,” but “what is beautiful is the child that could come from this.” Holy mother of crap. Beautiful RAPE BABIES!

I’m too tired right now to get up and wave.

It’s another gorgeous day here in north Texas. I know this for a fact — even though I almost never go outside — because Howdygram headquarters has windows! I also offer the following screen shot graphic from Weather.com as evidence that we’re probably done with winter here already. (I’m definitely okay with that.)

As a mostly-crippled housebound senior citizen I never thought I’d eat an Italian beef sandwich again.

It’s 3 a.m. and I thought I’d try to squeeze in a speedy Howdygram post before I go to bed. On the other hand, I’m not actually tired in any way whatsoever right now and might wind up pulling an all-nighter due to seven hours of exceptionally gratifying naps on Friday and then sleeping through Gone with the Wind (1939) starring Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh. After reading this paragraph twice I have no idea what this even means. Jesus.

Our Putz of the Week, sphincter-face Orrin Hatch, has an alternative to Obamacare.

Hello, dear readers, and Happy Early Friday Morning from Howdygram headquarters to you and yours! I have some important updates from my last post plus a shitload of new information ... because INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW, right? I’ll use subtitled paragraphs to keep everything nice and organized. Thank you for putting up with me.

Everybody is ignoring me. Do I have to blockade the lab with my wheelchair to get some goddamn attention?

I have a medical conundrum of the first degree, guys. On Tuesday I was instructed by Dr. Singh, my shiny new cardiologist, to get to get my first Coumadin blood test TOMORROW — which is my last oppportunity before Sam goes out of town for eight days — BUT I CAN’T FIND ANYBODY TO DO IT! Dr. M’s office turned me down because they only do Coumadin testing on Tuesdays (what the fuck?) and the appointment desk at Dr. Singh’s office downtown at Baylor Hospital ISN’T RETURNING MY CALL.

Secret solid deodorant murdered my pits.

Today is SAM GOES TO WAL-MART DAY here at Howdygram headquarters! He’ll be equipped with an illustrated list of emergency provisions so I won’t run out of anything important while he’s out of town starting Saturday. Also on the list are three prescriptions — Coumadin, Metoprolol and Novolin R insulin — so I’ll have an adequate supply of all my favorite drugs and avoid a nervous breakdown.

Wonderful news! My echocardiogram this morning indicated zero blood clots and no heart damage.

This has been a weird, exhilarating and extraordinarily productive day that included all of the following activities.

King China has Szechwan Eggplant but China City has nicer dumplings and their egg rolls don’t taste like feet.

I didn’t think anybody would actually notice (or care) that I didn’t write two Howdygram posts yesterday so I was surprised to receive several inquiries this morning. Mostly I was asleep all day yesterday, off and on, with brief breaks for food consumption and an occasional trip to the bathroom. I’m afraid I’ll have to blame two of my new prescription meds again — Metoprolol and Gabapentin — because THEY MAKE ME SO DAMN TIRED. As soon as I wake up from a three-hour nap I find that I start fantasizing about the next one.

If I were a parent I’d be crapping in my pants.

Good morning, people, and Happy First Day of February to you and yours! It’s the wee hours of the morning around here again due to my sleep schedule being fucked-up from a lot of new medication and all-day naps, and I haven’t got a clue how to turn it around. So basically, to quote Sam, “It is what it is.” We all have to learn how to live with adversity. (This also includes running out of Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow Santas.)