If I were a parent I’d be crapping in my pants.

Good morning, people, and Happy First Day of February to you and yours! It’s the wee hours of the morning around here again due to my sleep schedule being fucked-up from a lot of new medication and all-day naps, and I haven’t got a clue how to turn it around. So basically, to quote Sam, “It is what it is.” We all have to learn how to live with adversity. (This also includes running out of Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow Santas.)

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I’ve got a Putz of the Week for you, a repeat honoree from the great state of Texas! It’s State Representative Dan Flynn [see previous post], who last week introduced the illiterately-named TEACHER’S [sic] PROTECTION ACT, though we don’t know for sure who that individual teacher is exactly. The bill would authorize teachers — who, in case you forgot, are already allowed to carry loaded assault weapons in Texas classrooms — to use “force or deadly force on school property, on a school bus, or at a school-sponsored event in defense of the educator’s person or in defense of students of the school and property of the school that employs the educator.” Holy mother of crap. This shithead thinks teachers should shoot to kill a kid caught STEALING CHALK?

Basically this bill gives teachers the right to serve as JUDGE, JURY AND EXECUTIONER — all for the low, low price of a bachelor’s degree! This is absolutely the easiest way EVER to score a license to kill. (Or stage your fantasy shootout on a field trip.)

Texas is definitely a teacher’s paradise. Our state is already one of the very few that gives educators a free choice either to teach that the Bible is the 100% inerrant word of God OR that the Bible helped write the U.S. Constitution, and now, in the name of EVEN MORE FREEDOM, it makes perfect sense for Texas to allow gun-totin’ teachers to get away with cold-blooded murder if they spot a ninth-grader trying to heist a bag of Fritos from a vending machine near the gym.

If I were a parent I’d be crapping in my pants. Seriously.

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So what’s on your agenda today? As usual, our plans here at Howdygram headquarters mostly involve eating things. We’re doing homemade Italian beef sandwiches for lunch and a big pan of Costco meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner with the following movies squeezed in-between: Madame Curie (1943) starring Greer Garson and Walter Pidgeon; Svengali (1931) starring John Barrymore in fantastic makeup, Marian Marsh and Donald Crisp; and Haunted Honeymoon (1940) starring Robert Montgomery and Constance Cummings. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

Thank you for reading this and don’t forget to enter our ABSURD WINTER GIVEAWAY!