Our Putz of the Week, sphincter-face Orrin Hatch, has an alternative to Obamacare.

Hello, dear readers, and Happy Early Friday Morning from Howdygram headquarters to you and yours! I have some important updates from my last post plus a shitload of new information ... because INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW, right? I’ll use subtitled paragraphs to keep everything nice and organized. Thank you for putting up with me.

THAT URGENT COUMADIN BLOOD TEST. Dr. Singh’s scheduling yahoos never returned my call yesterday BUT the sweetie-pies at Dr. M’s office sent an email to let me know they’ll accommodate my Coumadin test Friday morning at 9:15 even though they usually only do these tests on Tuesdays. (Remind me to ask them WHY.) This is really fucking terrific, isn’t it?

MY EYE IS NOT PINK. Whatever was going on with my left eyeball cleared up by itself during the day on Thursday and went away. I don’t have conjunctivitis. I actually don’t have ANYTHING AT ALL not counting diabetes, high blood pressure, edema, tarsal tunnel syndrome, plantar fasciitis, diabetic peripheral neuropathy, atrial fibrillation, osteoarthritis, insomnia, chronic kidney disease and a hangnail. But my eyeball is doing nicely, so there’s always something to be thankful for!

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I’m thrilled to announce that I’ve finally found a cheap yet accurate blood glucose meter with equally cheap yet accurate test strips! It’s THE EASY TOUCH HEALTHPRO SYSTEM and it’s available online from a variety of friendly websites such as Active Forever, OTC Wholesale and Rakuten.com. THIS IS A HUGE HOO-HAH, PEOPLE.

To get a better understanding of the situation with diabetes and test strips, I’ll use an inkjet printer as a comparison. You can buy an actual printer dirt cheap but the inkjet cartridges will bankrupt you ... and it’s the same damn thing with glucose meters and test strips. Doctors give away the meters FREE but you’ll shell out $50 or more for a box of 50 test strips. And since most diabetics test their glucose FOUR OR FIVE TIMES A DAY this can get very fucking expensive when you’d rather spend the money on a big dinner from King China or memory foam slippers.

I’ve been using a FreeStyle Lite meter and FreeStyle Lite test strips for the last four years. The best deal on test strips has always been on eBay — about $25 for 50 strips — but unfortunately last week the price had jumped to $40 for 50 strips and many sellers were even higher. That’s when I decided to research a cheaper alternative and bought myself the Easy Touch HealthPro. I set it up tonight and ran it through its paces, and I’m happy to report it’s as accurate as my FreeStyle Lite and the meter only cost $19.95 with 100 test strips included.

By themselves 50 test strips sell for $9.95. HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP. That’s so cheap I think my brain might explode.

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One quick final thing before I drag myself off to bed because it’s after 4 a.m. already and I’m not getting any younger here. I have a Putz of the Week to share with you! This is the first time we’re acknowledging fossilized GOP doucehbag Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah for proposing a sad and embarrassing alternative to the Affordable Care Act (ACA).

Since the Affordable Care Act passed in 2010, the Republicans in Congress have voted 57 times to repeal the legislation that extended healthcare benefits to 15 million Americans who were previously uninsured. What a fine and noble goal, assholes.

With no counter-legislation to offer in lieu of the ACA, the Republican threat to dismantle the law never really seemed like more than a bunch of bullshit. So finally, in a bid to add credibility to their threat, Orrin Hatch and two cohorts unveiled the Patient Choice, Affordability, Responsibility, and Empowerment (CARE) Act, which they’d sneak into place as soon as they rid the country of Obamacare.

Because this is a Republican plan, of course, the proposed CARE Act would scrap all advances made in women’s healthcare. This means:

• No more required maternity benefits and no coverage for pre-natal care. Once again, as it was before the Affordable Care Act, being pregnant will be treated as a “pre-existing condition.”
• Eliminating the ban on price discrimination against women.
• Zero coverage for prescription contraceptives as a nod to the Hobby Lobby crowd.

So here we have another winning strategy by the clueless pro-lifers, although I’ve always wondered ... whose “life” are they actually “pro” if they won’t cover birth control, abortion, pre-natal care, labor or delivery? Certainly not those precious, magical fetuses, and certainly not women if they're re-allowing price gouging and canceling coverage for prescription contraceptives. Clearly the only citizens who actually come out on top are — get ready for it — OLD WHITE MEN! Oh my God, are we shocked? OLD WHITE MEN WIN AGAIN!

I hate Orrin Hatch and his face looks like a sphincter. Thank you for reading this.