Check out The Ben Carson Shrine to Psychotic Neurosurgeons Who Want to Rule the World.

Good morning, dear readers ... happy Sunday, shalom, what’s new and how’s the family! It’s a cool fall morning here at Howdygram headquarters, and I’m considering a nice toasted low-carb “everything” bagel for breakfast for the following three reasons: 1) I’m hungry; 2) I really like bagels; and 3) you can’t stop me. It’s only 5:57 a.m., however, so I’ll have to wait until Sam wakes up because I’m a senior citizen with mobility difficulties and can’t stand up in the kitchen long enough to tackle the various components of simple food preparation. Seriously.

An ode to drugs, “Columbo,” frozen food and Sam. (Not necessarily in that order.)

There are a million things wrong with me tonight, and that’s a conservative estimate. They include: 1) severe joint pain due to not taking my meds five hours ago while I was asleep in the family room watching “Columbo” DVDs; 2) a persistent low-grade fever; 3) pain in my left heel; 4) chills, body aches, a nasty rash and a relentless yet aggravating urge to pish, all the result of item number two; 5) a dull headache; and 6) shortness of breath. Put them all together and you get FUCK THIS SHIT!

Oh my God, I just belched. I can go to bed now!

I’m having a very, very lousy night. I wanted to go to bed at the same time as Sam two hours ago (at midnight) except: 1) I’ve got severe pain in my chest due to an inability to belch like a truck driver; 2) my eyes are watering; 3) the skin on the back of my thighs is raw and bleeding again; and 4) I think that’s enough. To amuse myself while I wait for a good belch and an opportunity to take my next round of Norco I just designed a cute new mousepad for myself and ordered it from Zazzle. (It beats crying.)

Hot damn. It’s Monty Woolley Day on TCM!

We’re winding down the month of August and Turner Classic Movies’ juicy annual SUMMER UNDER THE STARS festival, featuring a different overpaid big shot’s films every day of the month. For the next five days TCM is celebrating Monty Woolley, Ingrid Bergman, George C. Scott, Gary Cooper and Shelley Winters, all pictured below for your possible interest.

The time at the tone will be 4:28 a.m. (Beep.)

I’m not having an easy time here. Poor Sam is FUCKING MISERABLE with head-to-toe poison ivy blisters and I had my own very bad day with chronic pain that included knees, heels, feet, hands, raw bleeding skin on the back of my thighs, a migraine headache and screaming nerve endings. Sam manages to sleep through his misery but I can’t. I tried for two whole hours to fall asleep in bed but eventually gave up and hauled my ass into the study. I can always find distractions on the Internet. The time at the tone will be 4:28 a.m. (Beep.)

I ate Costco chicken salad for lunch plus Jell-O.

Sunday was a very large deal at Howdygram headquarters for all of the following reasons.

The Howdygram has another “new look.”

I’ve had one hell of a week around here due to TWO BIG HUGE THINGS. First, there’s been UPHEAVAL and REMODELING and STARTLING COLORS and AMAZING CABINETS IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM and SHINY HARDWARE! Gary-the-Handyman didn’t finish our remodeling hoo-hah on Friday as originally planned and will be back on Tuesday with more paint, extra overalls and a fresh supply of dropcloths. Projects still left to do include: 1) paint two red accent walls in the family room; 2) repair a stress crack in the living room ceiling; 3) attach handles to the cabinets in both bathrooms and the laundry room; 4) install towel rings and towel bars in both bathrooms; 5) recaulk and regrout the tub/shower in the hall bathroom; 6) install a recessed light fixture on the laundry room ceiling; and 7) repair and paint minor drywall fuckups in the master bath and laundry room.

News flash! Adorable Sam bought our new family room furniture this morning!

This is a HUGE WEEK for Howdygram headquarters, guys, and it’s filled with an exciting list of MOMENTOUS SHIT and THRILLING ACTIVITIES!

Sam & Marcy’s Fancy Shower Adventure starts tomorrow!

Good morning from Agonyland, U.S.A. After a pleasant but mostly inadequate night’s sleep I’m grieved to announce that I FEEL LIKE TOTAL SHIT RIGHT NOW. This crazy skin hoo-hah on the back of my left thigh feels like a fucking THIRD-DEGREE BURN and makes it impossible to get comfortable ANYWHERE, even lying down or sitting on my squishy new office chair in the study with Diet Sunkist orange soda in a can. I want to kill somebody or take a bunch of drugs. (Drugs are my friend.)

Barstool Palin is a pathological liar.

Hello, shalom, what’s new and how’s the family? Sam is still enjoying his week of “staycation,” and it’s another hot summer day here at Howdygram headquarters with zero rain and a high of 95° in case you give a shit. Today’s activities will include: 1) a healthy breakfast of Schwan’s corn dogs and a can of Diet Sunkist orange soda; 2) a phone conference with our attorney at 9 a.m. to discuss miscellaneous crap related to our will; 3) probably a couple of naps; 4) our maid will be here after lunch; and 5) FedEx is delivering my Wal-Mart butt wipes today. In other e-commerce news, last night I got my 12-pack of lobster ramen bowls and two boxes of Bausch & Lomb wipey towelette things (see below) from Wal-Mart, and yesterday’s new orders included toothpaste for Sam and a chrome over-the-cabinet towel bar for the master bath from Wal-Mart and Amazon, respectively. (This is an OUTSTANDING towel bar, people. We have one in the kitchen.)

E.Coli bacteria is typically added to food and beverages at no additional charge.

Good morning from the bowels of north Texas, where we’re expecting a high today near 95° with tons of sunshine and enough humidity (60%) to make the Everglades eat their goddamn heart out. It’s definitely way too swampy around here and it almost makes me grateful to be a housebound senior citizen with shitty knees.

Everybody screwed up today except me.

Welcome to a hot and sweaty Wednesday at Howdygram headquarters, where sometimes life gets mighty weird and crappy. Go grab yourself a lemonade and allow me to explain.

Rick Perry is looking for a better gig.

Good morning from Howdygram headquarters, home of CORN DOGS FOR BREAKFAST! Corn dogs are a neat, appropriate, easy-to-eat treat from Schwan’s that a person can nuke in about 2½ minutes and won’t drip on your keyboard. And you can even use a PAPER PLATE.

Hey, boys and girls ... it’s time to buy your tickets for the main event!

We’re making remarkable progress here. Today the crew from Kitchen Solvers — actually, just one very punctual bald dude whose name is Randy — attached our new cabinet doors, drawers and crown moldings, and Sam got so damn excited he documented the metamorphosis with his iPhone. However I think I’ll hold off posting any “after” pictures until the kitchen is clean and the counters are cleared off. Please stay tuned for another 24 hours, okay? The transformation is INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL and even better than Bruce Caitlyn Jenner’s “Vanity Fair” cover.

Everything I did on Friday, May 29.

This might be the most ridiculous post in Howdygram history. Be sure to share your thoughts with me, okay? (Send an email.)

If you hear a tornado siren, run like hell.

Wondering what your editor eats for breakfast on an overcast Saturday morning? SCHWAN’S CORN DOGS! Yes, friends, Schwan’s corn dogs are a healthy way to start your day in addition to being neat, fun, inexpensive, tasty, quick and rustproof. (Ketchup and celery not included.)

Meet the rude jackass with the gavel: John Boehner, “Weeper” of the House.

Hi, people. I’ve got all kinds of screwy crap to share with you today on a wide variety of screwy subjects, so I suppose I’ll just dive in and get started before I get too hungry to sit here and type. To begin, I completely forgot to show you what Schwan’s delivered yesterday in case Howdygram headquarters’ frozen food needs are important to you. We like Schwan’s because their products are speedy, tasty and attractive. (Under no circumstances, however, do we recommend ketchup and celery with your corn dogs.)

I can hardly wait to start metering my own clots right here at Howdygram headquarters.

Although you weren’t here to see me feeling extremely miserable on Wednesday and Thursday, I’m pleased to make the following Friday announcement:

I do not feel like crap today.

Rain is good. (Heavy rain is even better.)

Hi. It’s me, your favorite elderly Internet companion! I woke up about 45 minutes ago for my regular senior citizen middle-of-the-night bathroom adventure and decided to hang out online for a while and buy things, starting with a whole new spring wardrobe from Woman Within consisting of four very nice knit loungers — two with snaps, two without — in pleasant spring colors. There’s no point buying any actual clothes because I’m an old person with mobility issues and almost never leave the house. (I don’t buy shoes, either.)

Welcome to another busy day in the Twilight Zone.

Yesterday I survived two medical appointments in two different locations on the same day. While you ponder what kind of present you should send me for an occasion of this magnitude I’ll provide a brief update on the status of my health. Because if you didn’t give a crap you wouldn’t be reading this post. Right?