Surviving canned cheese, green olives, an oncoming migraine and Bruce Jenner.

It’s 3:45 Sunday morning, Sam is Phoenix AND I’VE GOT A CRAVING. I desperately need a can of Australian cheddar cheese and a bowl of nice big green olives stuffed with red whatnots, pictured below for your possible interest. Even though I’ve got both items in the refrigerator there are a couple of pivotal issues holding me back from a trip to the kitchen: 1) knee pain; and 2) I think I feel a migraine starting, in which case I’d be way better off in bed with the lights out instead of eating things in the family room with this week’s episode of “Millionaire Matchmaker.”

How to get surprise deep-dish Chicago-style pizza for no reason whatsoever.

My buddy Gayle got me thinking about turkey this afternoon and triggered the inevitable EMERGENCY HOLY CRAP FOOD CRAVING, which means I’ll have to throw together my World-Famous Senior Citizen Thanksgiving Bowl tonight for dinner because — sadly — I don’t know what time UPS will show up today with my crate of latkes and kishka from Kenny & Ziggy’s deli in Houston. Sometimes UPS gets here by 6 p.m. but usually not until 7 or 8, and I’d definitely wind up in a hypoglycemic coma if I wait that long to eat things. I guess I can always do kishka for dessert, right?

Winter Storm Astro? Shovel it and let’s move on!

Batten down the hatches, everybody ... AIRMAGEDDON is on the way! Those hysterical whack-job spin doctors at Weather.com are calling this one Winter Storm Astro, but we know what it really is: REGULAR COLD WEATHER. Do they seriously think the United States will have a brain hemorrhage about snow in Minneapolis and Michigan? It ALWAYS snows in Minneapolis and Michigan! It’s the middle of November, you dickheads, NOT THE MIDDLE OF JUNE. Shovel it and let’s move on!