Do any of you still use landline phones at home?

A few days ago I shot my mouth off and blabbed that Texas was probably all through with winter because it’s mostly been in the 60s and 70s here for the last couple of weeks. Well, guess what. WE’RE EXPECTING AN ICE STORM SUNDAY NIGHT. Areas northwest of Dallas/Fort Worth (i.e., Wichita Falls) will get snow; the rest of the metro area will wind up with ice, sleet and/or freezing rain, although I’m not exactly sure what’s the difference because you can’t drive in ANY of them. The teeny red star on the following weather map indicates Howdygram headquarters.

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I need a show of hands, please: DO ANY OF YOU STILL USE LANDLINE PHONES AT HOME? Sam and I are noodling with the idea of canceling our home phone because the only calls we ever get here are debt collectors looking for the twit who had our number before we did, robo calls selling Life Alert panic buttons, and do we have any household goods to donate this week to the American Kidney Foundation. Everybody else calls Sam’s cell phone! Therefore, if we cancel our landline I’ll get myself an inexpensive cell phone plan through Consumer Cellular with AARP so I can carry it around in my pocket all day at home in case I fall down again and have to call for help! Our AT&T home phone service costs us about $45 a month; Consumer Cellular’s basic plan through AARP is $9.50. I’m a fucking genius, people.

I just checked AARP’s website and I want the very inexpensive Doro flip phone that’s pictured above. It includes: 1) gigantic buttons and a big screen; 2) a camera with auto-focus, zoom and flash; 3) an extra loud speaker for senior citizens such as yours truly so we don’t have to tell everybody to stop mumbling; 4) support for 3G and Bluetooth; 5) speed dial buttons; 6) a one-touch emergency button; and 7) IT COMES IN BLACK, SILVER AND MAROON! Maroon!

In case you’re wondering, no, I don’t want an iPhone. I’m a mobility-impaired old lady who never leaves the house; why would I need a phone with GPS, text messaging and email service when I’ve got a 27-inch iMac on my desk in the study? I can already answer email, talk on Face Time, inject insulin, pop pills, slug a Marcytini and write the Howdygram all at the same time. (This is what you call senior citizen multi-tasking.) Plus an iPhone would be a little too big and a little too heavy to shelp around the house in a bathrobe pocket all day.

I’m really, really excited.

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Sam and I have zero plans for the weekend because we made a promise to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, not counting Sam’s morning errand to pick up 80 two-liter bottles of Coke Zero from Tom Thumb (don’t ask) and a couple of juicy burgers from Five Guys for lunch.

In the meantime ... it’s 6 a.m. and I think I should go back to bed for a while because I’m having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Thank you for reading this and try not to make any noise for a couple of hours.