I don’t know any of the neighbors well enough to request a foot examination.

A new day, a new crisis. Remember when I mentioned “intense heel pain” in the opening paragraph of yesterday’s Howdygram post? I assumed it was diabetic peripheral neuropathy, but it wasn’t. I’VE GOT A BLEEDING BLISTER! Bleeding! I discovered it about an hour ago in the study when I kicked off my slippers and the fabric was covered in blood. HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP. I can’t examine the wound for myself due to zero flexibility, and I don’t know any of the neighbors well enough to request a foot examination while Sam is in California cavorting with his BFF.

Holy moly. I just had a brainstorm!

Happy Thursday morning, people. It’s 6 a.m. and I haven’t been to bed yet. This really isn’t as wretched as it sounds, however, because I enjoy being up all night to horse around at the computer designing things. This time it was more greeting cards, a couple of mugs and fresh category graphics for The Howdygram Store. I also spent quite a few hours organizing a treasure of new high-resolution digital backgrounds and textures that I bought from a designers’ website called Design Cuts ... it’s a gigantic bundle of 2,400 images (53 separate collections) for only $26. (Priced separately they would total more than $2,000.) Holy crap! THIS IS DELICIOUS!

Brent’s Deli in Northridge is the home of the hanging salamis. And they’ve got the best chopped liver on earth.

We’re having a wet and dismal Sunday morning at Howdygram headquarters, but I won’t complain about this for three excellent reasons: 1) we desperately need the rain; 2) I never leave the house, anyway, due to being a housebound senior citizen with mobility issues; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. At the moment there’s a line of thunderstorms rolling through here with a cold front. The high tomorrow will be 75° instead of 95°. Whoa!

It’s easy to tell the Bundy brothers apart. Ryan is the one whose head was run over by a car.

It’s Wednesday morning, 9 a.m. Sam left about an hour ago for his day-trip adventure to Denison, Texas, and the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma, but I’m guessing his number one priority will be a big greasy BREAKFAST because the minute you start a vacation your brain immediately rewires itself for grapefruit juice, a cheese omelet, waffles, double syrup and sausage links. Oy, lucky Sam. I haven’t eaten breakfast in a restaurant for at least FOUR YEARS.

Sam is coming home today.

It’s 9:20 Friday morning and Sam comes home from California today. THIS IS A VERY BIG DEAL! To celebrate the occasion I injected insulin, ate a bag of Mountain House freeze-dried Biscuits & Gravy for senior citizens for breakfast, and tried (and failed) to make the bed because there’s a limit to what a handicapped old woman can do with a cane in one hand. Also I wasn’t very motivated.

Note to Wayne LaPierre: There’s blood on your hands again, asshole!

Remember in my last post when I ruminated about maybe feeling better later in the day after consuming a large volume of my favorite prescription painkiller? It didn’t happen, people. I’ve had enough continuous doses of Norco since 7 a.m. Wednesday to sink a battleship ... BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT. Fortunately, my maid dropped in around 1 p.m. to make sure I’m still alive here and brought a bag of McDonald’s; I may feel lousy but at least I’m eating well. In case you’re interested, as much as I love them I honestly didn’t think I could face another day of those Mountain House freeze-dried entrees for senior citizens.

Here in America, Mr. Rouhani, we just want to throw up.

Yes, dear readers, it’s me again. I have nothing else to do tonight because I took a nap on the chaise in the family room after dinner with the remote on my stomach and when I woke up the remote had vanished. I’m assuming it fell and wound up under the chaise, but I’m a disabled old lady with a lot of chronic pain and mobility issues who can’t get down on the floor to look for it. Fortunately ... my maid is coming over tomorrow on a pre-arranged visit to check on my general welfare, and remote retrieval will top her list of very urgent things to do. A few other very urgent things are listed below.

Bobby Jindal is a confused conservative “moran” on steroids.

Howdy-do and happy Saturday from the bowels of north Texas! I thought I’d get started on a Howdygram post while Sam is packing for his trip to California, which commences about two and a half hours from now when his flight takes off from Love Field. For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Love Field airport; C) the State Fair of Texas in south Dallas, which is a major hoo-hah today full of people eating funnel cakes and deep-fried manure on a stick; D) Sam works here; and E) George Dubya Bush’s house in the snooty Preston Hollow neighborhood.

Everything I did on Friday, May 29.

This might be the most ridiculous post in Howdygram history. Be sure to share your thoughts with me, okay? (Send an email.)

I really want to take a nap after I pee and eat lunch.

It’s 9:15 Friday morning and Sam has a 10 a.m. flight to Phoenix. Unfortunately he’s inching along in gridlock Dallas traffic trying to get to Love Field Airport, because we had another five inches of rain overnight and most of our main thorofares have turned into FUCKING RIVERS.

American idiot tries running with the bulls. The bulls won.

I’ve got all kinds of fascinating news to share this morning, and as is my wont to do I’ll list everything in neat, subtitled paragraphs to avoid confusing anybody, yours truly included. Thank you for paying attention.

The only time I can’t fall asleep is at night like a normal person.

Hi. It’s me again after another completely sleepless night even though I tried. I really did. I went to bed at 3:15 this morning and laid there for two and a half hours listening to myself breathe. I’ve decided that my new prescription meds — Warfarin, Metoprolol and Gabapentinin — must be causing this in combination with all the other drugs I already take at bedtime, namely Amitripytyline, Trazodone, Benazepril Hydrochlorothiazide and Wal-Mart’s store brand arthritis-strength Tylenol knockoff. I have no trouble napping for five or six hours during the day; THE ONLY TIME I CAN’T FALL ASLEEP IS AT NIGHT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. I think I’ll send an email to Dr. M this morning and find out if I can rearrange some of these pills because being awake all night is getting on my nerves.

I’m too tired right now to get up and wave.

It’s another gorgeous day here in north Texas. I know this for a fact — even though I almost never go outside — because Howdygram headquarters has windows! I also offer the following screen shot graphic from Weather.com as evidence that we’re probably done with winter here already. (I’m definitely okay with that.)

As a mostly-crippled housebound senior citizen I never thought I’d eat an Italian beef sandwich again.

It’s 3 a.m. and I thought I’d try to squeeze in a speedy Howdygram post before I go to bed. On the other hand, I’m not actually tired in any way whatsoever right now and might wind up pulling an all-nighter due to seven hours of exceptionally gratifying naps on Friday and then sleeping through Gone with the Wind (1939) starring Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh. After reading this paragraph twice I have no idea what this even means. Jesus.

Secret solid deodorant murdered my pits.

Today is SAM GOES TO WAL-MART DAY here at Howdygram headquarters! He’ll be equipped with an illustrated list of emergency provisions so I won’t run out of anything important while he’s out of town starting Saturday. Also on the list are three prescriptions — Coumadin, Metoprolol and Novolin R insulin — so I’ll have an adequate supply of all my favorite drugs and avoid a nervous breakdown.

Every time you vote Republican, an asshole gets its wings.

There are a bazillion interesting things to write about today if I can stay awake long enough to write them! My new meds — Gabapentin, Eliquis and Metoprolol — have definitely made a clear and compelling difference in my ability to compose cogent sentences and sometimes I can’t even get my fingers on the right keys. Please bear with me. I’m a wreck.

Mitt Romney is considering a third attempt to flip-flop his way into the White House.

I know your winter weather is probably shittier than ours in Texas, but we’ve got cold steady rain on the way tonight and most of the day tomorrow ... and cold steady rain SUCKS in the aches-and-pains department. Weather.com thinks we also have a chance for ice accumulation overnight but I don’t believe it because the temperature isn’t supposed to drop below 35°. None of this really matters, however. I’m not leaving the house NO MATTER WHAT and Sam — who’s still in California and still really sick — will take a Super Shuttle home from the airport tomorrow afternoon provided he’s well enough to travel. (I’ll believe it when I see it.)

Sam has only been gone for six hours and I already hate this very much.

Boy, what a day. Sam is on his way to Los Angeles for his mother’s funeral as I write this post, but from the minute we woke up this morning at 7 — actually, HE woke up; I never went to sleep — it was nonstop pandemonium in Howdygramland trying to reschedule all the last-minute travel arrangements we made for him last night before bed. For those of you might give a crap, here’s the basic timeline.

There’s no way I’ll ever be able to fly again. (I’m not too thrilled about cars, either.)

Hi, people. We’re winding down a surprisingly pleasant, productive and thoroughly enjoyable Sunday afternoon at Howdygram headquarters that included all of the following activities: 1) four substantial loads of laundry; 2) a sock-folding party; 3) unpacking, admiring and putting away the contents of six deliveries from Amazon and Wal-Mart; 4) a large bowl of Marcy’s Famous One-Pot Asian Food Feast for Senior Citizens; and 5) a swell afternoon nap that lasted THREE GLORIOUS HOURS. And it’s 75° here.