Trust me, people ... as a retired senior citizen there’s nothing worse than dreaming that you’re still employed.

I have an “issue,” guys. Last week Dr. M doubled my dose of Gabapentin to try and relieve more of my neuropathy pain. While it definitely seems to be working as intended, it’s also making me loopy, weird, dazed, dizzy and I’m having crazy dreams. (Also a chocolate craving.) In the mornings after I take Gabapentin with Benazepril (for high blood pressure),  Norco (my prescription painkiller) and Metoprolol (to slow down my heart rate), the overall hoo-hah is even WORSE and I’m lucky if I can stay awake for a whole hour.

Of all the aforementioned side effects, however, the strangest one is the crazy dreams. I just woke up in the family room after a three-hour nap, during which I had a dream nightmare about working for a public relations company, and I’m driving a Toyota downhill on a very pretty, wooded four-lane highway from the top of a mountain in South Carolina to the Creative Market advertising agency — in a square teal blue building — on the outskirts of a big mall. I finally get to the bottom of the mountain but I can’t find Creative Market, so I stop every few minutes to ask people where’s the building, where am I supposed to park, please help me because I’m on a deadline, why is everything so crowded down here, holy crap I have to pee, do they have any idea where the fuck I am, and so on. And in the middle of everything I keep getting phone calls from my cousin Bobby reminding me that my boss and everybody back at the office are counting on me to get this project with Creative Market finished, approved and printed ... except I just drove 250 miles down a mountain AND I CAN’T FIND THE GODDAMN BUILDING! Then I woke up.

I’m seriously convinced what turned that dream into a nightmare was “working for a public relations company.” Trust me, people ... as a retired senior citizen there’s NOTHING worse than dreaming that you’re still employed.

---

While the Bible-beating clowns in the Republican Party continue to present themselves as  keepers of America’s 19th century morality, I think it’s extremely important to look back at the impeachment of Bill Clinton — who was intensely popular with the American people — in 1998 for a brief extra-marital fling with intern Monica Lewinsky ... during which the primary conspirators to impeach a sitting U.S. president were all despicable hypocrites with a laundry list of their own (far worse) sexual transgressions.

In case you’re too young to remember the Monica Lewinsky witch hunt, let’s take a look at the three hypocrites who orchestrated it.

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich (R-GA) led the charge against President Clinton but resigned abruptly in November 1998 just a few weeks before the impeachment hearings started. Gingrich later he admitted that he, too, had an extramarital affair with an aide in his office. That would be the second marriage to dissolve after cheating on his wife. This ridiculous family-values buffoon seriously believes in the sanctity of “one man and one woman” and respects holy wedlock so much he’s done it three times before the eyes of God.

Gingrich was followed as Speaker of the House by another family-values Einstein, Bob Livingstone (R-LA), who had to resign from his post on the very day of the impeachment vote because — take a wild guess! — adult entertainment tycoon Larry Flynt “found four women who said they had been involved with Mr. Livingstone over the last 10 years.” (On an unrelated note, Flynt is currently preparing a Donald Trump parody porn movie that he intends to mail to every Republican in Congress!)

And finally, when former Representative Dennis Hastert (R-IL) succeeded Livingstone as Speaker he had much shittier secrets to hide. Last summer we all learned that the notorious gay-hating family-values shitbag had molested students while working as a high school wrestling coach and eventually paid them millions to shut up about it. Recent trial developments reveal that Hastert may have assaulted as many as five boys — one victim actually committed suicide — but the statute of limitations means he can only face charges of financial misconduct instead of rape and molestation of children. The Howdygram hopes Hastert winds up in prison because he reminds me of Jerry Sandusky.

And this, dear readers, neatly sums up the God-fearing, church-going Republican Party.

---

The Howdygram is grieved to report the death of show biz personality David Gest, even though I have no idea who he was except for a previous marriage to Liza Minnelli. (I think Liza Minnelli married almost EVERYBODY.)

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Gest, 62, was “an entertainer, producer and reality television star” who died today in a ritzy London hotel strung-out on sleeping pills. His friend and ex-bodyguard Imad Handi confirmed the news.

Gest was best known for his appearances on “I’m A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!” and “Celebrity Big Brother.” (Oy. What a career.) He also worked as a music video and television producer. Gest had a goony face and a lot of friends.

Thank you.

---

I’ve got three UNIQUE FREE FONTS for you tonight, courtesy of DaFont.com. The first is “Redlight District,” a wobbly hand-drawn thing that could be cute for greeting card designs, and the other two are “The Freaky Faces 1” and “The Freaky Faces 2,” each with two or three dozen weird and different cartoon heads. I’m not sure yet how or if I’ll ever use them, but I plan to give it a shot eventually because some of them are hilarious. Download links appear after the graphic in case you want any of these fonts for yourself or for deserving relatives.

Redlight District • The Freaky Faces 1 and 2

---

And now ... it’s 9 p.m. and I’ve decided on a change of scenery to the family room, today’s episode of “The People’s Court,” more drugs and another can of diet ginger ale. Life is good.  Give my best to the family, okay?