Real chicken that you refresh in hot water for three minutes. No kidding.

Hello, dear and faithful readers. I wanted to write a Howdygram post on Saturday but couldn’t make it happen, no-how. I was sick and miserable almost all damn day with crazy ailments I can barely recall, although I do remember just enough to post the following Shit-O-Meter readout.

Click here for a detailed explanation of our Shit-O-Meter results.

The aforementioned “crazy ailments” included …

1. WAILING AND MOANING. I carried on for hours and hours about the excruciating pain in my legs, knees and joints. In addition to my regular dose of Hydrocodone (20mg every eight hours), Sam fed me Hydromorphone under my tongue with an eyedropper and slathered my knees with Bengay. I was definitely well-drugged.
   
2. SEVERE CHILLS AND SHIVERING. This was so intense (for hours!) that Sam covered me with multiple blankets, wrapped a towel around my head to protect my frozen ears, and then he blasted me all over with hot air from my hair dryer!
3. THE FUCKED UP MAKE-BELIEVE BEDPAN HOO-HAH. At one point yesterday afternoon I apparently told Sam I needed to use the bedpan. Unfortunately, I really didn’t … but I laid on the goddamn thing for two solid hours until I finally admitted my mistake.

Items #1 and #2 are related directly to a pair of advancing bacterial infections that I’ve mentioned before — a urinary tract infection and cellulitis in my left leg — that cannot be cured. It’s hopeless. I’m always in pain, I have spiking fevers that leave me feeling drained and exhausted, and now I also have delusions and “brain lapses” caused by that severe, years-long bacterial UTI that will never be cured. (Actually, this is what’s triggering situations like item #3.)

I’m slowly, but literally, losing my mind.

---

I remember a couple of weeks ago I promised to review some promising new frozen veggie blends that I ordered from Wal-Mart. Here’s the first: BIRDSEYE STEAMFRESH “SUPERFOOD” BLEND WITH QUINOA AND SPINACH. Sounds good, doesn’t it? It should be, and I really wanted it to be. (I always look for new ways to add more veggies to my limited diet. I eat lying down!) But this product wasn’t very good. It was mostly tasteless and boring, a little too heavy on the brown rice, and not enough spinach or quinoa to make you feel like you’re eating a healthy “superfood.” I won’t order this veggie blend again.

Overall I’ll award Birdseye’s Quinoa and Spinach veggie blend with a three chopper rating because it looks nice on a plate and it’s something new in the frozen vegetable aisle if you’re fed up with tired old bags of broccoli. L’chaim.

---

Sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better is a nice, juicy free font. Here are a few more that I’d like to share with you! We’ve got a sprinkling of interesting scripts (“Plammy,” “Dazzling Divas”), display fonts (“Lemonade Fabrica,” “Ridiculous Comic”), hand-drawn fonts (“Craft-Holic,” “Boochain,” “Holiday Song”) and one layered font (“The Rollings”). Stare at them for a minute or two and they’ll actually grow on you! Download links appear below the font list. And remember … all of my free fonts are kosher for Passover!

Plammy • Holiday Song • Halimun • Boochain • Trampoline

 Craft-Holic • The Rollings • Calligraphy Font Bundle 

Lemonade Fabrica • Ridiculous Comic

---

I discovered the joy of freeze-dried food several years ago, when the pain in my legs made it impossible to stand up in the kitchen and cook. Eventually I discovered Mountain House freeze-dried ready-made entrées (Beef Stroganoff, Chicken and Rice, Spaghetti with Meat Sauce) for back-packers and campers … they were easy (just add boiling water!) and delicious but seriously over-priced at $8.95 for one meal.

Now I’m trying something new … a can of FREEZE-DRIED SLICED GRILLED CHICKEN from Thrive Life! It’s on sale (30% off) for the whole month of March, so I thought this would be a fine time to give it a shot. The online reviews are incredible. Absolutely nobody had anything negative to say about it, although one woman remarked that it was too expensive … but she still gave it four stars out of five.

This is real chicken — seasoned, grilled and sliced — that you “refresh” for three minutes in half a cup of hot water. Then you can eat it as-is or in recipes, soups and sandwiches. Or make yourself some easy chicken salad. I can’t wait to try this product!

Thrive Life also sells other freeze-dried proteins, e.g., ground beef, sliced beef, shredded beef, chopped chicken, scrambled eggs, pulled pork, crumbled breakfast sausage, instant beans and so on. Plus veggies, fruits, dairy products (milk, sour cream, butter), rice and sauces. I remember trying the freeze-dried ground beef several years ago, and it was excellent for tacos, soup, spaghetti sauce and sloppy Joes. Since Sam doesn’t cook, the only recipe that’s still achievable for us would be sloppy Joes with a nice can of Manwich. I might have to buy the freeze-dried ground beef again sometime. (Sam and I both love sloppy Joes.)

Stay tuned for a product review in an upcoming episode of the Howdygram, okay?

---

It might be time to get back to some creative projects. Believe it or not, I’m working on another major line of iPhone cases … this time with precious metals and foil. I’ll share some photos in my next post.

The Alamo called this morning and asked you to remember it once in a while. Thank you for reading this.