Monday is “Costco day” at Howdygram headquarters.

I’ve got a million very important subjects to cover in this Howdygram post so I’ll skip all the introductory hoo-hah and just get right to the point, okay? I think I’ll even do my popular neatly-subtitled paragraphs!

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SAM IS HAVING CRANIUM DIFFICULTIES. He tells me he had vertigo last night when he went to bed and still had it this morning when he got up. I wonder if Sam should call the doctor tomorrow ... even though he says he’s had this before (once or twice) and it just went away by itself. VERTIGO IS SCARY. If Sam is dizzy he won’t be able to make dinner tonight! Therefore let’s all hold hands for a few minutes and pray for Sam’s afflicted cranium. Thank you.

MY HANUKKAH CARDS SHOULD BE HERE TOMORROW. I designed them myself, ordered the cards online from Zazzle, and UPS tracking says they’re scheduled for delivery on Monday (tomorrow). I’m so goddamn excited I can hardly stand it!

HOLY SHIT. SPECIAL K CHOCOLATE ALMOND TASTES EXACTLY LIKE COUNT CHOCULA but it’s low-carb because the flakes aren’t coated in actual chocolate ... they’re smothered in cocoa dust. Throw in a handful of Equal and you’ve got a fabulous substitute for Count Chocula minus the teeny marshmallows. Even the milk turns brown! I love this stuff and it’s my new favorite cereal.

MONDAY IS “COSTCO DAY” AT HOWDYGRAM HEADQUARTERS. If Sam is feeling all right he’ll go to Costco today for our weekly stockpile of family favorites, including: 1) frozen tempura shrimp; 2) breakfast burritos; 3) pasta salad; 4) a tub of mozzarella balls floating in oil with green flecks; 5) frozen mozzarella sticks; 6) shrimp toast; 7) a box of country-fried steaks; 8) chicken flautas; 9) spicy guacamole cups; 10) a 16-inch pepperoni take & bake pizza; 11) lox, if they have any; and 12) a lot of very large bagels. With terrific food like this you never need to order in. (That’s the secret, people.)

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I’ve got a senior citizen food review for you today ... another excellent product that’s perfect for atrophied old coots such as yours truly who can’t stand up in the kitchen any more to cook things for themselves. This time I’m reviewing Campbell’s Chunky Roadhouse Chili with Beans, a tasty and extremely speedy microwave entree (ready in 90 seconds!) that you can eat right out of the little can and pretend it’s a bowl. While this chili might a little too runny for some of you (it is for me, anyway), if you smash in a few saltines it’s almost as good as homemade. And I think this is a fine substitute for the Hormel Compleats Chili with Beans entree that I can’t find anywhere on the Internet any more. (I can’t imagine why Hormel would discontinue it. Maybe I’ll send them an email and find out what the fuck is going on.)

I am pleased to award Campbell’s Chunky Roadhouse Chili with Beans with our coveted five-chopper rating. My next review — as soon as I order a can from Target — will be Campbell’s Chunky Firehouse Chili with Beans, which is a hot & spicy version of the same basic chili.

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And finally, I’d like to tell you about a couple of movies Sam and I watched last night ... and this time I’m introducing a five-star rating system!

The first review is for Night Flight (1933) starring practically everybody on MGM’s payroll, including John and Lionel Barrymore, Helen Hayes, Robert Montgomery, Clark Gable, Myrna Loy ... an all-star cast. Apparently this was a true story about a 24-hour period during the early days of aviation in South America ... pilots flying at night across the Andes to deliver medicine and mail while their wives and girlfriends cry and cling and get hysterical waiting for the phone to ring. Lionel Barrymore can’t stop scratching himself, Myrna Loy’s part is much too small, Clark Gable reportedly didn’t want to make this film ... and you can tell. Worse yet, John Barrymore performs like a recent graduate of the William Shatner School of Acting. It’s not a bad movie overall but the ending is cheesy as hell. ★★★

Last but not least we have Look for the Silver Lining (1949) with June Haver, Ray Bolger and Gordon MacRae in a lame biopic about Broadway musical comedy star Marilyn Miller, who was huge in the early part of the last century (i.e., during World War I and the 1920s). June Haver plays Miller, Gordon MacRae plays her first husband, Ray Bolger is vaudevillian Jack Donahue, and Miller’s parents are played by Charlie Ruggles and Rosemary de Camp. I don’t know if the problem was the shitty script, lousy staging or June Haver’s uninspired performance (she’s boring as hell), but I didn’t like this movie at all and had a hard time staying awake. Even Charlie Ruggles wasn’t any good ... and he’s one of my all-time favorite character actors! I’ll give this a two-star rating because the costumes weren’t too bad. ★★

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Thank you for reading this. Seriously.