Yo, everybody. It’s Sunday afternoon, and I hope this finds you healthy, safe and pleasantly quarantined wherever the hell you may be. Sam and I, of course, have barricaded ourselves here at beautiful Howdygram headquarters, a charming subdivision that’s neatly nestled between genuine cattle ranches
— and genuine cattle! — here in the Dallas metro area.
We actually live less than a quarter-mile from some large cows with horns, which are known as “steer” or “cattle” by actual Texans. As a matter of fact, if you’re outside at night
* sometimes you can actually hear REAL MOOING!
MOOING. Mooing is an essential part of life and one of the best reasons to live in our neighborhood. I haven’t had an opportunity to hear nocturnal cow sounds for quite a long time, however, because I’m bedridden and don’t get out much. (Actually, I don’t get out AT ALL.)
Thank you for putting up with me.
I have a million weird topics to share with you today, starting off with The Best-Looking Supreme Leader of All Time … North Korea’s round but handsome little 36-year-old “Rocket Man,”
Kim Jong-un,* who’s pictured below with his mandated Kung-Pao Squarepants haircut. Right now rumors are swirling all over the world … is supremely ugly Kim DEAD OR ALIVE? Why did the little fucker disappear, and where did the little fucker go?!
As soon as we find out what’s going on we’ll post an update. Or … you could also check CNN or The New York Times for the latest fake news by third-rate reporters.
KIM JONG-UN. Murderous North Korean dipshit Kim Jong-un has been out of the public eye since he missed his dead grandfather’s birthday party on April 15. At this point it’s believed by most news sources that Kim is either completely dead, almost dead, or none of the above. It’s also believed that he had heart surgery a week or two ago, although medics concur that Kim never had a heart to begin with.
You may recall all those beautiful new digital images I bought a few days ago from my favorite shop on
Etsy.com [check them out
here]. Well … I’ve been busy designing several thousand new iPhone cases for The Howdygram Store, and here’s a sampling for your possible interest. Each of these cases will be available in a variety of styles and/or color options. I’m in the midst of the tedious (i.e., painfully slow) upload process to Zazzle’s website; I’ll let you know when my new designs are available online. By the time I’m done there will be at least 700 iPhone cases in my shop. Holy crap,
right?
In case you’re interested, here’s a brief description of the designs pictured above:
- Sparkling Tourmaline Gems on Foil
- Sparkling Gold Glitter Stripes
- Textured Champagne Gold and Bronze Foil
- Red-on-Red Glitter “Shower” Bling with Gold Foil
- Luxe Magenta and Silver Glitter Stripes
- Textured Ice Blue Foil with Silver Foil Sparkle
- Textured Silver Foil with Gold Foil Sparkle
- Chunky Royal Purple Glitter with Sequins
- Sparkling Teal Glitter with Teal Foil
I also want to let you know that my collection of original cotton face masks is available now, and you can shop for them
here. Thank you!
Here we have a collection of well-known coots with something surprising in common. I’ll give you a hint, because you’d probably never guess if I
didn’t. They all share a birthday, but
not the same date … they actually share the SAME YEAR!
The 11 famous indivduals pictured below are celebrating their 80th birthdays in 2020.
Eighty fucking years old! Frankly, this is the best example of why a high school reunion could scare the living crap out of you. Most of these celebrities don’t look their age
at all (Raquel Welch, Nancy Pelosi, Ringo Starr) and the rest either look authentically 80 (James Caan, James Cromwell) or float somewhere in-between. Tom Jones and Chuck Norris clearly had some extensive “work” done‚ and Raquel probably did, too, although she looks so
exquisite that whoever did her surgery deserves a free case of wine from Wal-Mart.
Ringo Starr has apparently tapped into the fountain of youth, and I think we should hold him hostage until he tells us where he’s hiding it. Ringo looks younger — and
better — than he did in 1975!
Mazel tov to House of Tsang for getting it right. Their store-bought Asian sauces are so good you’ll want to drink them from a champagne goblet! I’ve only tried two (there are many others) … 1) Szechuan Spicy Stir-Fry Sauce; and 2) General Tso Stir-Fry Sauce. Both are absolutely TO DIE FOR, especially the Szechuan Spicy because it has such a powerful kick you’d swear you’re eating at the best Chinese restaurant in town. I just ordered six bottles of the Szechuan Spicy sauce from Wal-Mart online (the stores here don’t carry it); then I ordered two bottles of the General Tso sauce from Amazon Fresh. I don’t EVER want to run out of these.
House of Tsang has received the Howdygram’s coveted
five chopper rating.
Please note that no actual stir-frying ever occurs at Howdygram headquarters because I’m 100% bedridden and Sam doesn’t cook. So I’ve developed a quick little recipe that gives me exactly what I crave now that I can’t order food from China City any more (they shut down at the beginning of the Coronavirus hoo-hah and never reopened). Here we go …
My frozen veggie of choice is usually green beans, but broccoli would be good, too. (Hell,
anything would be good!) And in case you never heard of Hokkien noodles (see below), I buy pouches of them from Wal-Mart. They’re pre-cooked, microwaveable, and you get two double-serving portions of naked spaghetti in each pouch. Seriously, in only 90 seconds you have IMMEDIATE FOOD!
Thank you for reading this. Do you think life will ever be
normal again?
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