This is actually not an altogether entirely distasteful lifestyle — “Bar Rescue” reruns, cashew butter, sleeping, uncontrollable pishing — now that I think about it, but my life is rather self-focused these days and if I don’t share the minutiae with you I wouldn’t have much else to write about. Got that? (Thank you for understanding.)
With that in mind, therefore, I’d like to share the following stupid personal issues with y’all in neat little subtitled paragraphs.
MY NIPPLES ITCH. Stop laughing. They’re driving me crazy, and scratching them is weird, uncomfortable but mildly exciting all at the same time. Jesus.
THE CRAVINGS CONTINUE. We have at least half a million dollars’ worth of food in the house but I still crave one thing and one thing only … HOT AND SOUR SOUP! My favorite source, China City, has been closed since the first week of the plague outbreak, but apparently there’s another Chinese restaurant nearby that’s still open: Mr. Teriyaki. And they deliver for free. So probably tomorrow I’ll ask Sam if it’s okay to risk a delivery.* Stay tuned, okay? (I never heard of Mr. Teriyaki until a couple of days ago. Could they be even better than China City?)
SAM SAYS GIRLS HAVE COOTIES. Please shoot me an email if you concur.
By accident yesterday I ran across an ad for these amazing and highly adorable plastic templates on Facebook and decided to check them out. They’re stencils to help you address envelopes, invitations and postcards with perfectly straight lines … something I probably need more than anybody else as I’m bedridden, reclining, can’t sit up like normal people and have tremors in my hands. The price for this product, of course, was outrageous ($19.99 plus shipping), so I searched on Amazon and wound up saving quite a bit of dough on a set of four different templates for only $6.99 with free one-day Prime shipping. Woo-hoo!
Believe it or not, I gave up sending birthday and holiday cards this year because I can’t wrestle with envelopes on our Epson inkjet printer when I’m lying in bed and the procedures are too fucking annoying to motivate Sam to do it. (He already has enough on his plate. Seriously.) Therefore these stencil templates will make my envelopes beautiful again … and I even think I might get back to sending cards! I’M SO DAMN EXCITED I CAN’T STAND IT.
I highly recommend stencils like these for all frustrated senior citizens who need some help like I do. Here’s the link to the product page on Amazon. I found at least two dozen different collections at a wide variety of prices. I thought these were the best value.
FYI, “Always Add Value” is a fun font that lets you create little banners with a variety of different start/end graphic elements. I promise you, it’s extremely easy to us … and you can’t beat the price. It’s free!
MONDAY, APRIL 6
Later on this morning we plan to let my hospice know that I want to cut back on C.N.A. bathing and hygiene sessions from five days a week to three days a week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. The bottom line is, my C.N.A. can’t commit to a firm appointment time every day, so it gets annoying for Sam to hang around the house waiting for her to show up when he could be doing something else. So we’ll be eliminating her Tuesday and Thursday visits, and this is a good thing. Sam and I treasure our privacy and hate it when people come and go every day of the week around here. Sometimes it feels like we’re living in Grand Central Station.
THURSDAY, APRIL 9
Passover begins this week, and my cousins — who are scattered all over the United States — have arranged for a “virtual seder” on Thursday evening using Zoom. It would be so much fun to connect with everybody, read the Haggadah, sing, show off our matzo balls, kibbitz and horse around, but I’m not awake much any more — maybe three or four hours a day — and under the circumstances I don’t think I can commit to participate. In case you’re interested, the guest list of cousins includes Teri, Joe, Alisa, Dan, Bobby, Robin, Ron (and his brand new hip), Greg, Allison, Melissa, Tom, Sam and yours truly.
FRIDAY, APRIL 10
I’ll have a weekly visit from my hospice R.N. this afternoon for a routine checkup. I was asleep for the last two Fridays when Sharon dropped in; hopefully I’ll find a way to stay awake this week. (I don’t really give a crap, however.)
Thank you for reading this. Shalom, y’all.
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