Depressing realization. My ass is costing us money.

I’ll begin this post with assorted retractions and clarifications because sometimes even the most intelligent retired senior citizen can write a bunch of misleading crap [see previous post]. I’ll take these issues one at a time so go pour yourself a Marcytini and get comfortable.

For a retired senior citizen I have far too much crap on my Monday “do” list.

Sam and I celebrated his birthday yesterday at Cafe Greek in Dallas, a nice ethnic buffet with surprisingly tasty food, plenty of napkins and no customers. Here’s a full-color portrait of their buffet for your possible interest. They also have spinach pies, really good eggplant whatnots, big vats of hummus and Sam’s favorite custard dessert.

Sam wants an iPhone for his birthday. We’re buying it today.

It’s 8:30 Sunday morning and Sam, pictured at left, just decided to treat himself to an iPhone for his birthday — which is TODAY, incidentally — which means we’ll probably drop in at the AT&T store next to Tom Thumb on our way home from lunch to pick it out. If Sam goes with the iPhone 4s model it’s FREE. (Free is a really good price.)

As for me, I don’t need a cell phone AT ALL any more since nobody knows the number, I never go out, my relatives call our landline and I don’t have any friends. For the record, I’ve got a four-year-old Motorola “dumb” phone that stopped working in 2013. When Sam upgrades today I’ll cancel my plan altogether and save us a couple of bucks.

Today is adorable Sam’s birthday. You may commence sending congratulatory emails.

Official Meatloaf Day went well, thank you for asking, with all leftovers safely wrapped and shoveled into the fridge. Sam is recuperating in the family room (he’s been asleep for three hours) and I’m here in the study preparing the update I know you’ve all been waiting for.

Official Meatloaf Day and other meaningful diversions.

Know how to feel better about all the frustrating horseshit in the news? Do what I do. Spend a little time every day on the Royal Family’s website, because these calm, privileged, overdressed people are obviously so out of touch with reality it’s like they got dropped off on Earth from another planet with a lot of outrageous clothes. Check out the following pictures, okay? I especially love the geezers in tricorns and red dresses at the Founder’s Day lineup and the fancy velvet whatnots (with tassles!) and fluffy hats at the Order of the Garter hoo-hah. As for the Yeomen of the Guard, what can one say about a flotilla of men in red tights and 14th century ruffles? In service as the Queen’s bodyguards, they pretend to search the cellar ahead of the State Opening of Parliament every year, a solemn and recurring ritual that harkens back to the famous Gunpowder Plot of 1605 when Guy Fawkes tried to blow up Parliament. Seriously.

I’ve designated tomorrow as Official Meatloaf Day. The parade starts at 4:15.

This has been a productive and intensely exciting Friday for me, having already accomplished all of the following chores and projects.

Heckle & Jeckle’s dirty little secrets.

This is pure “click bait,” everybody, mostly because a post I wrote for the original Howdygram back in March 2012 is consistently the highest-ranking search topic that I get week after week after week so I thought I’d try to drum up the same level of traffic for my new NOT BEIGE Howdygram 2. Everybody searches for Heckle & Jeckle. EVERYBODY. And this includes Howdygram readers from all over the United States plus  South Korea, Canada, France, Brazil, Germany, Japan, Sweden, Saudi Arabia, Tasmania and Tibet. So here they are again, the sarcastic animated magpies first introduced by Terrytoons in 1946:

Things I’ve done today (so far).

In case you’re wondering how a housebound senior citizen spends a typical Thursday, I’m pretty sure the following unsolicited information will entertain and enlighten you. Or not.

I’m not even sure I feel like writing a Howdygram post, but what the hell. You’re stuck with me.

Hi. It’s 4:20 Thursday morning. I can’t sleep, my back itches and I’m bored. I have nothing to do, nothing to shop for, no pills to take, no socks to fold, no emails to answer, I’m avoiding the news and I don’t feel especially motivated to EAT anything, either, unless you’ve got some wintergreen Tic Tacs. (I love wintergreen Tic Tacs.) I’m not even sure I feel like writing a Howdygram post, but what the hell. You’re stuck with me.

I just realized that I smell like green olives.

Hey boys and girls, here’s the primary rule of Marcy’s Law! If something breaks and you order a replacement, the broken thing always starts working again ONLY after you’ve spent $59.99 plus tax online and Fry’s already shipped your fancy new 500GB Western Digital My Passport backup hard drive. This actually happened last night.

If this delays my order from China City I might have to kill myself.

Hey, weather nerds ... there’s a HUGE THUNDERSTORM heading for Howdygram headquarters right now (indicated by the red star on the following map). The sky is pitch black, the wind is picking up and I can already hear thunder overhead.

Homophobic Christians think President Obama wants to put them in FEMA concentration camps.

They came, they saw, they fixed our shower! Yes, friends, it’s true: Tim, leader of the glass people, spent three hours today removing, resealing and rehanging the shower door in our master bathroom. He says it’s so damn perfect he’d like to marry it. All that’s left now are some cosmetic improvements, and for that he bounced the ball back into Clayton’s court. Therefore, a few minutes ago I sent Clayton, leader of the grout people, a friendly email to express my wishes for completing the project as follows.

The glass people haven’t shown up yet but I’m having a pretty good day.

I’ve got some shattering news for you: THE GLASS PEOPLE HAVEN’T SHOWN UP YET. They promised to come back this morning at 8 after Sam turned them away at the front door yesterday for arriving 24 hours early and unannounced. So far nobody’s showed up and it’s already 10:20, Sam is having some molar roots caulked [see previous post] and I really, really need to lie down because I’ve been sitting here since 5 a.m. and my head hurts. Other than that, though, I’m having a pretty good day.

Nobody dances like Gene Kelly except Fred Astaire. Also Donald O’Connor maybe.

It’s 7:52 a.m. on a sunny, muggy Tuesday morning in north Texas, and here’s what’s happening today at Howdygram headquarters!

THE INVASION OF THE GLASS PEOPLE. Tim, leader of the glass people, will be here shortly to finish the grout people’s botched remodeling job in our master bathroom shower. This has been a work-in-progress since the first week of March and we’re pretty damn sick of it already.

All senior citizens should own a memory foam seat cushion.

It’s a few minutes after 10 p.m. and I haven’t heard from Sam since he left for work today at 2:15. Assuming that he’s swamped and probably won’t be home within the next hour, I decided to do the following: 1) order a nice thick memory foam seat cushion for the chair at my desk because I’m old, stiff and crotchety; and 2) make a birthday card for my great-nephew Tyler, who just celebrated his sixth birthday. First up, a photo of my chair cushion. It gets excellent reviews from senior citizens with sore butts; I bought one with a chocolate-color cover.

Xenophobia, homophobia, Obamaphobia. I’m sick to death of the news.

I’m at that threshold again, people. I’M SICK TO DEATH OF THE NEWS. As of 3:45 this afternoon I’ve had my fill of Iraq, Afghanistan, al Qaeda, the NRA, Benghazi, Congress, the Tea Party, Bowe Bergdahl, John “Let’s Go to War” McCain, Cliven Bundy, Duck Dynasty, Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Turd Cruz, Pat Robertson Fox News, Open Carry Texas, right-wing outrage, Operation American Spring, 51 attempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act, “persecuted” Christians, xenophobia, homophobia, Obamaphobia, George Will’s big mouth and his twisted views on rape, low-information voters, anti-science/anti-vax lunatics putting the entire planet at risk and morons threatening daily to overthrow the United States government because a man of color had the gall to win two national elections and move into the White House. Enough already.

May 2014 was “Older Americans Month” and I didn’t get one stinking present.

Hi, everybody! Happy, happy Sunday! There are many wonderful things to squeal about this morning and I’ll list them for you here in ALL CAPS so you’ll know how excited I am: 1) SAM IS COMING HOME TODAY and his flight leaves L.A. at 9 a.m. Pacific time; 2) IT’S RAINING AGAIN (genuine graphic proof from Weather.com appears below); and 3) I think that’s it. But Sam coming home and rain are definitely more than enough. In case you’re wondering, the red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. LOOK AT ALL THAT RAIN!

Stage four water restrictions include laundering your underwear twice a month and showering with a friend.

It’s 3:30 Sunday morning and I’ve got some shocking news: IT’S RAINING. Not a lot, of course, because this is Texas and we’re in the middle of a drought, but it’s definitely raining and I can prove it! The red star on the map below denotes Howdygram headquarters. I’m sitting near a window in the study but you can’t see me because it’s dark outside. Go ahead and wave if you want to, okay?

With iced tea spoons the possibilities are endless.

So here’s the thing, okay? It’s 11:30 Saturday night, I’m refreshed and completely wide awake after two — TWO! — very intense extended naps, I’m really hungry and I think I want a nice leisurely shower. That’s a substantial agenda at this hour of the night, isn’t it? I think I’ll kick things off, however, with a quick Howdygram post because why the hell not and there’s nobody here to stop me.

Please support a Constitutional Amendment to end Citizens United. It’s the right thing to do.

Hi, people. It’s me, and I’m back to ask your help with a political issue. I think we need to push HARD for an end to Citizens United, the disastrous case decided in 2010 by the Supreme Court stating that the free speech protection of the First Amendment ALSO APPLIES TO UNLIMITED CORPORATE POLITICAL DONATIONS. Billionaires like the self-serving right-wing Koch Brothers, who were founding members of the John Birch Society, continue to buy influence, power, candidates, entire districts and elections. So I’m on my soap box again, and I think you should sign the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee’s petition for a Constitutional Amendment to put an end to the Koch Brothers’ horseshit. We need to send a message that MONEY IS NOT FREE SPEECH.

Don’t forget to enter our big cheesy movie giveaway, okay?

Oy, what a crappy, crappy night. I finally went to bed this morning at 4 a.m. following an unexpected 90-minute intestinal holocaust and then woke up three stinking hours later with HYPOGLYCEMIA. At the moment I feel like a zombie but can’t go back to bed until I get my blood sugar back up to a normal number and out of the “cadaver” range. (It’s 53.)

Our happy daily routine: food, naps, movies, repeat.

It’s the wee hours of Saturday morning, and you know what that means? SAM IS COMING HOME TOMORROW! Yee-haw! He has a 9 a.m. flight from Los Angeles to El Paso on American Eagle that connects to a 12:40 p.m. American Airlines flight from El Paso to Dallas. He lands at 3:25. For the record, Sam HATES the plane-change baloney but didn’t have a choice. American has been screwing around with its frequent flyer rules (again) and he couldn’t find any nonstop flights that would accept his accumulated miles. And then they expect him to squash his 6'5" body into a seat designed for Mickey Rooney. Does anybody still enjoy flying?

I recommend Errol Flynn and Hormel tamales for a perfect Friday night.

I’ve got a product recommendation for you. If you’re ever on the market for new email accounts the Howdygram would like to suggest Mail.com. No kidding, people, this is the most painless email service on the planet and I love all the different address options they offer you, such as mail.com, email.com, usa.com, teacher.com and so on. They have hundreds of choices. Everybody can get an address for free; if you upgrade to Premium service for $29.95 a year you also get POP3 functions and 24/7 telephone support. I upgraded to Premium for Sam and me and already set up POP3 so we can send and receive email through Mac Mail. Because I’m such a genius. (Everybody says so.)

A list of exciting free crap you can do this weekend in Dallas/Fort Worth.

Holy crap, people, I just discovered the plug-in of a lifetime: Ad-Block Plus for my Firefox browser. At last, I’m not seeing any more POP-UP CRAP or BLINKING MESSAGES or IRRITATING ROLLOVER ADS ... even on YouTube videos! I’m sure Ad-Block Plus has been around for a long time and I’m a few years late to the party, but what the hell. I love this thing! And when Sam gets home from California we’ll install it on his Mac, too.

Bad news for lovers of orange polyester cheese.

Let’s begin our Friday culinary adventure with shocking news from the fine people at Kraft Foods: VELVEETA HAS BEEN RECALLED IN A DOZEN STATES.

Doug Mainwaring is a self-loathing imbecile.

Hi, everybody. If you’re not in the mood for a Howdygram political rant this might be the perfect opportunity to switch to another website because it’s my intent to rip the cover off the National Organization for Marriage’s paltry anti-gay marriage march on Washington today, where tens of misguided bigots for Jesus showed up at the National Mall to listen to hate speech. How freakin’ PATHETIC to be marching against the rights of other people! These dickheads love to say they’re doing this “to protect our children,” but what if one your children grows up to be gay? THEY’RE NOT ENTITLED TO RIGHTS LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?

Hey, movie fans ... it’s Rock Hudson night on TCM!

It’s 5:45 p.m. on a hot and breezy Thursday here at Howdygram headquarters, and I’ve got some fascinating medical news from our Adventures in Diabetes department. MY HEELS HURT REALLY, REALLY BAD. This is plantar fasciitis again, an excruciatingly painful condition that’s triggered by (for me, anyway) diabetic peripheral neuropathy and makes you feel like you’re standing or walking on broken glass. It gets so bad I have to check the sole of my foot sometimes to prove to myself that I’m not BLEEDING TO DEATH. (I apologize if this is too much information. Deal with it, okay?) However, I just read several reports about this condition online and it’s possible I might ALSO be suffering from something called tarsal tunnel syndrome, which is: “posterior tibial neuralgia, a compression neuropathy and painful foot condition where the tibial nerve is compressed or crushed as it travels through the tarsal tunnel.” Symptoms are similar to plantar fasciitis with the added joy of “numbness in the foot radiating to the first four toes, severe pain, burning, electrical shock sensations, cramping and tingling over the base of the foot and the heel, making it difficult to stand or walk.” I have all of the above. KILL ME NOW.

Sam’s gut-busting California adventure.

Hey, has anybody noticed our terrific “Hat of the Day” in the right sidebar? I did a Hat of the Day feature a couple of years ago and decided to give it another shot because Rita’s Couture — an actual retail store in south Dallas — just added 32 new hats to their website and I thought my readers might appreciate them as much as I do. Especially the designs that look like bedazzled butt plugs.

It’s another fantastic enter-to-win Howdygram giveaway!

Thanks to a shipping error by Amazon I’ve got a fantastic ENTER-TO-WIN GIVEAWAY for y’all tonight! Check out the details after the jump and use the embedded link to enter or click here. We’ll announce the big winner on Monday, June 23.

Can anybody explain why Republicans are so obsessed with gay sex? I just don’t get it.

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s a few minutes after 7 and I’ve been up for the last hour with neuropathy pain mostly in my feet and a dull headache that’s mostly in my head. There’s not much I can take for any of this, medication-wise, so I have to fall back on tried and true home remedies like braunschweiger on white toast with sweet pickles. (Stop laughing. It works.)

Curly, Moe and Larry. Highly-skilled technical support for the 21st century.

Remember my ongoing email shitshow? (In case you don’t, click here.) For 129 consecutive minutes this evening I was glued to the phone with Curly, Moe and Larry technical support at Network Solutions and finally reached an important conclusion: THEY’RE EVERY BIT AS STUPID AS WEB.COM.

A drought lament and six things you can do at Costco without a membership.

It’s a dark, dismal, overcast, hot and clammy Tuesday morning in north Texas. The sky looks like rain but GOOD LUCK WITH THAT since we’re still in “extreme drought” around here with stage three water restrictions. It sucks to be us.

New email accounts, Face Time is working and the world’s cutest Persian kitten.

Hi, people. It’s almost 2 a.m. Tuesday morning and I promised myself I wouldn’t start moaning again about our constipated email service ... so I won’t! Instead, I’ll simply state that I discovered Mail.com a couple of hours ago — a very decent alternative to the crappy products at Web.com and Network Solutions — and signed up for FREE EMAIL ACCOUNTS for Sam and me. As a matter of fact, I just used my new address to email two of my soon-to-be-former clients because I’ve been expecting them to send me their signed account transfer agreement forms and don’t want anything important to disappear into the bowels of cyberspace. When Sam gets home from California next week we’ll probably upgrade to Mail.com’s premium service so we can use POP3 settings for our Mac Mail software and iPad. LIFE WILL BE SO DAMN PERFECT!

Mr. Useless Poop-Head made a typo. This is not a surprise.

I’ve got an update to my previous post about Moron Remediation Day with a general announcement that, quite literally, there is no end to Web.com’s pathetic dumbfuckery. To help you understand the scope of this problem I’ll provide a simple timeline of today’s events. Bear with me, okay?

It’s Moron Remediation Day here at Howdygram headquarters.

Hello, everybody. It’s Moron Remediation Day [read my previous post] and I’ll begin with our ongoing Web.com email debacle. Since I was positive they’re overcharging for my new email-only account I decided to call Web.com’s sales department this morning to get an anonymous quote for the same service — and guess what — they ARE overcharging me! Actually, GOUGING is a better word for it, because the poop-head I talked to last Thursday set up my service at $7.95 per month ($103.35 per year), and today the sales department switched me to a plan with Network Solutions for $62.97 per year.

Morons walk among us and tomorrow I get to scream at several of them on the phone.

It’s Sunday night, 10 p.m., and I’ve had a full and satisfying Father’s Day filled with snacks, insulin injections and a pair of memorable extended naps that practically guarantee I’ll never be able to fall sleep tonight. But I’m willing to bet nobody cares. (Not even me. I love all-nighters.)

I’m partial to anything that includes eating and sleeping.

It’s still Father’s Day and I can’t decide what to do with myself. At the moment my options include: 1) continuing this Howdygram post; 2) a lot of food; 3) watching Life with Father (1947) starring William Powell and Irene Dunne; 4) a combination of items 2 and 3 concurrently; and 5) taking a mid-afternoon nap to augment the extended late-morning nap that concluded about an hour ago. Personally, I’m partial to anything that includes eating and sleeping but would appreciate your unbiased opinion if you’d care to share it with me here. Thank you.

A Father’s Day remembrance.

Here’s a nice warm wish from the Howdygram to you and yours on Father’s Day!

Now I’ve seen it all. Judy Garland in blackface at age 15 singing “Swing Low Sweet Chariot.”

It’s weird to be home alone on Saturday night, especially when you’re used to an adorable tall dude in plaid flannel pants eating Clif bars. Sam will be in California for another eight days and I’m on my own at Howdygram headquarters. The silence around here is DEAFENING.

Pete Rose modeling Jockey underwear is 100% “click bait.”

Show of hands. Do any of you know what the term “click bait” means? It’s a headline on the Internet that grabs attention and encourages people to click and read more. And that’s exactly what I’m doing with the stupid title above, because the most-clicked post from the original Howdygram apparently is still this one from January 2013 and I’m trying to find out if I can get history to repeat itself. Every single day at least half a dozen visitors find the Howdygram by Googling “Pete Rose in his underwear.”

Sam bought a Whataburger breakfast sandwich at the airport and said it was atrocious.

Here is my Saturday morning timeline, which I’ll continue posting until my head hits the keyboard. (I’m really tired. Details follow.)

6:02 A.M. Sam should be arriving at Dallas Love Field as I write this post. A Super Shuttle picked him up in the dark about 40 minutes ago for his flight to Los Angeles. He boards at 6:55 so I’ve decided to hang out with the Howdygram for a while in case he calls from the airport while he’s eating a bagel, and then I’ll go back to bed. I definitely did NOT get much sleep last night. We’re not accustomed to waking up with an alarm clock and I kept rolling over every 15 minutes to check the time.

Just in time for your weekend cookout: Mad Cow Disease.

Another day, another two tons of toxic meat! The USDA has just recalled more than 4,000 pounds of beef due to a “remote” risk of Mad Cow Disease contamination. Some of it — in the form of bone-in ribeye roasts — was being sold fresh at Whole Foods. Shoppers beware: OVERPRICED DOES NOT MEAN SAFE.

It must be wonderful to have uncomplicated feet.

In case inquiring minds want to know, Sam’s new shoes from Amazon arrived yesterday and he really, really likes them. (It must be wonderful to have uncomplicated feet.)

The Internet is so incredible I think my brain might explode.

I’ve got a bold statement for you: I am not superstitious and nobody at Howdygram headquarters gives a crap that it’s Friday the 13th. Around here it’s been business-as-usual today and we’ve managed to occupy ourselves with the following list of interesting family activities: 1) Sam checked in online with Southwest Airlines and printed a boarding pass for his flight tomorrow morning; 2) I sandblasted all the dead skin off my feet with an Emjoi Micro Pedi (if you don’t have one of these you should buy one NOW on Amazon plus a package of replacement rollers); 3) the toilet seat lid in our guest bathroom fell off; 4) I made a new appointment for an ankle-brachial index test at Baylor Medical Center in Garland so we can find out if my legs have any blood pressure (I have my doubts); and 5) I can’t think of anything else.

Please send an email if you want a list of my favorite curse words. I’ve got some doozies.

So here’s what’s going on tonight at Howdygram headquarters: NOT VERY MUCH, aside from folding a mountain of socks and underwear so Sam can pack for his trip (he’s leaving really early Saturday morning) and trying to get our email accounts back in working order after a tech support Einstein at Web.com changed our incoming and outgoing mailserver settings today WITHOUT TELLING ME.

A news bulletin for absolutely everybody.

Big fat hot news bulletin! Effective IMMEDIATELY, please stop visiting www.samandmarcy.com to link to the Howdygram because that website no longer exists. Instead, we recommend that you bookmark www.howdygram2.blogspot.com (and www.howdygram.blogspot.com, our original blog) and your life will be truly perfect somewhat less irritating from this day forward. Thank you for paying attention and smooches to you and yours.

If you want to feel better about your life just watch an episode of “People’s Court.”

People, I just figured out the secret of the universe. If you want to feel better about your life JUST WATCH AN EPISODE OF “PEOPLE’S COURT.” After 60 minutes of this annoying angst you’ll swear you’re Princess Grace of Monaco.

Mazel tov to irritating obstructionist Eric Cantor, the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week.

It’s Wednesday afternoon. After a semi-lousy night’s sleep I’ve been crabby since I woke up this morning — even a FOUR-HOUR AFTERNOON NAP didn’t help my mood very much — and now I think I have a headache. Or maybe it’s just my hair that hurts. I don’t know how to snap out of this, and the fact that Sam leaves Saturday morning for nine days in California isn’t making me feel like Miss Congeniality, either. I might need Chinese food as soon as possible.

Tide Pods are mankind’s single greatest invention of the 21st century (so far).

Today’s secret word, boys and girls, is LAUNDRY, and while I’m barely functioning on three hours of sleep and feeling slightly inebriated, hypoglycemic and oddly confused, I will continue typing and laundering until my forehead hits the desk or I run out of socks and underwear. I’m guessing this will be around 4:17 p.m. (Hey. At least my feet don’t hurt.)

Another cholesterol medication bites the dust.

I’m tired but can’t sleep due to spazzy neuropathy pain in both feet and my heels are burning, therefore I’ll just sit here and annoy you until everything settles down. I’m hoping this won’t take long because I really need some sleep. (Insomnia always spikes my blood sugar.)

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.”

For those of you wondering what the hell ever happened to our still-unfinished shower remodeling project, the answer is NOT A DAMN THING. I just sent an email to Clayton, leader of the grout people, to find out when Tim, leader of the glass people, will finally show up to replace the bottom of our shower door frame and stop the leak. It’s been almost THREE WEEKS since we last heard from either of these cretins so I’m thinking it’s high time to be as snotty as possible and rattle a few cages. In case you’re new around here and need some background information, read my May 30 post in the original Howdygram, pour yourself a Marcytini and click the links in the second paragraph.

Thunderstorms, new shoes and Amazon to the rescue.

And the big story this morning from north Texas is ... THUNDER! LIGHTNING! HEAVY RAIN! NEW SHOES! The following weather map covers the thunder, lightning and heavy rain part with several waves of large storms that started up a few hours earlier than originally forecast. (No complaints. We really need the water here.) The red star on the right denotes Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in I’m the happy senior citizen with a great haircut.

We should all drink Marcytinis and wait for the thunderstorms to get here.

Glorioski! Sam got home two hours ago and didn’t have to pull an all-nighter at the office. I was relieved to see him but he actually went to bed almost immediately so he can get up at 5 a.m. to finish a couple of client projects before first shift comes in. In the meantime I’ll hang out here with the Howdygram and keep you company. Have a Marcytini with me, okay?

Let’s take a look at Coot McCain’s hypocritical outrage.

I’m all alone today (it’s Sunday) because Sam is downtown at the office and probably won’t be home until first shift shows up at 7 a.m. tomorrow. Yup, it’s an all-nighter for Sam, so in the meantime I’ll distract myself with my top three favorite leisurely pursuits: eating things, sleeping and Howdygram posts. This is your lucky day!

A review of MGM’s only putrid musical featuring George Sanders and dancing elephants.

Yo, everybody! I’ll start today with an update on Sam’s health [read previous post] because several thousand Howdygram readers are dying to know. (Okay, maybe six of you. I lied.) The scoop is ... although Sam’s eye is improving and the bug bites all over his body don’t itch quite as much as they did a couple of days ago, he’s still feeling semi-crappy and still taking a couple of prescriptions. The good news is, at least he can sleep at night. There’s probably nothing worse than being miserable AND exhausted.

A detailed list of all the unforgettable crap I’ll never eat again.

I think I need to expand on a statement from my last post that all of my favorite childhood memories involved FOOD. This is absolutely true, by the way. I grew up on the north side of Chicago and suburban Skokie, went to college in Evanston and then lived in all the same neighborhoods — either alone or with my first husband — until I was into my late 30s. The map below indicates: A) where I was born in the East Rogers Park neighborhood in Chicago; B) where I grew up in Skokie; and C) where I went to college.

I think all of my favorite childhood memories involve food.

It’s hot yet pleasant Saturday here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam and I consumed the world’s largest chicken pot pie [see previous post] for lunch today, and I would like to report it was every bit as FREAKIN’ INCREDIBLE as I hoped! There’s enough leftover for at least two more meals, and one of them — at least for me — will happen about half an hour from now (around 5:45) because all of a sudden I’m very hungry again. So I won’t pass out in the meantime I’ll nosh on a couple of  Amber Lyn sugar-free truffles, which you can buy in four unforgettable flavors — double chocolate, orange, coconut and mint — but I always order the three-pound assortment because I love them ALL. (Sam, too.)

A person such as Sam can never have too many socks.

I decided to start my Saturday with a Howdygram post because I can’t sleep (my feet are killing me) and there’s not much else to do at 3:30 in the morning except shopping, which explains why I just took advantage of a swell online bargain from Costco. They’ve got MEN’S GOLD TOE DRESS SOCKS ON SALE through June 12 at $7.99 for four pairs, which is damn excellent. That’s about $5 less than Amazon and 50% less than Macy’s! I bought three packages because a person such as Sam can never have too many socks.

You know you’re getting old when you think food is prettier than movie stars.

The world’s largest chicken pot pie just walked in the front door of Howdygram headquarters escorted by a friendly delivery dude from Artizone.com. In my June 4 post [read it here] I joked that it “weighs 25 pounds and supposedly feeds eight Texans,” but as it turns out I wasn’t exaggerating. The box measures 18" x 18" x 9" and takes up a whole shelf in the fridge ... and what’s inside is even more gorgeous than Cary Grant, Robert Wagner and William Holden COMBINED. (You know you’re getting old when you think food is prettier than movie stars. Holy crap.)

Remembering D-Day with frosted wads of fried dough.

Today, dear readers, is D-Day. And I’m NOT referring to the 70th annual remembrance of the Normandy invasion during World War II. Today is NATIONAL DONUT DAY here in the United States, where humans without diabetes can celebrate with COMPLETELY FREE DONUTS at participating Krispy Kreme and Dunkin Donuts locations. (I’m jealous. Sue me.)

Sam deserves as many naps and as much pizza as he wants.

He’s home, everybody ... AND HE’S ON DRUGS. I’m referring, of course, to Sam, who spent all morning in the emergency room at Baylor Medical Center in Garland [see previous post] and came home with a diagnosis and four prescriptions. He has an acute allergic reaction to a number of insect bites all over his body and a nasty one near his right eye that caused it to swell shut. Sam is taking Prednisone, prescription-strength Diphenhydramine (Benadryl), Cetirizine Hydrochloride and using Mupirocin antibiotic ointment to treat the nastiest rash in Texas.

Sam drove himself to the emergency room this morning.

We’ve had a slight change of plans at Howdygram headquarters. Sam drove himself to the emergency room at Baylor Medical Center in Garland about an hour ago because his swollen eye and infected insect bites are FAR WORSE THAN LAST NIGHT ... and we didn’t think anything could look worse than that! To get things rolling at the crack of 8 a.m., Sam called in sick at work and left a message with Dr. M’s answering service, and I cancelled the 10 a.m. appointment for my ankle-brachial index text because I have no way to get there. I’ll provide updates throughout the day whenever I hear from Sam. Stay tuned, okay?

All I can do at 4 a.m. is order green things from Wal-Mart and write another Howdygram post.

I can’t sleep. I tried, but it’s absolutely hopeless. My legs hurt, my feet hurt, my hands hurt, I’ve got a headache, a hangnail and my eyes are watering. All I can do at 4 a.m. is order green things from Wal-Mart and write another Howdygram post. Pictured below are my middle-of-the-night purchases ... a big squeezy bottle of Thicker Fuller Hair shampoo (it smells like lilacs!) and two jars of Mezzetta gigantic stuffed olives.

Artizone has nice boxes and delivery dudes who like your house.

Know what happens when a retired senior citizen is home alone, moderately bored and really hungry? You spend an hour obsessing over full-color food porn on your favorite artisan grocery website — Artizone.com — and blow $68 on THIS (see below) for home delivery on Friday between 6 and 8 p.m. Incidentally, that beautiful chicken pot pie is $30 all by itself because it’s 10" in diameter, weighs 25 pounds and supposedly feeds eight Texans. I bought it for Saturday night dinner for Sam and me. Sorry, but nobody else is invited. Maybe next time, okay?

I’m going to Baylor Medical Center in Garland tomorrow for a free wheelchair ride.

I’ve got a quick medical update in case you’re interested. I’m scheduled for an ankle-brachial index test at 10 tomorrow morning at Baylor Medical Center in Garland. Dr. M referred me as a follow-up to my appointment last week [see previous post] so she can figure out if peripheral artery disease is causing the severe pain in my lower legs. For the last few years I haven’t been able to stand or walk for more than three minutes at a time, which totally wrecks any chance for a productive life if you’re hoping to achieve more than an afternoon nap, writing Howdygram posts or watching “People’s Court.” Apparently there are no facilities anywhere in Mesquite that perform ankle-brachial index tests so we have to shlep to Baylor in Garland, but I don’t really mind because it’s a nice-looking building and I get to ride around in a wheelchair.

I just found out that Planters sells peanut butter. You’re never too old to learn something new.

This is day two of the new and improved NOT BEIGE Howdygram 2, and so far I’m enjoying myself even more than I ever expected. It’s the white background that makes me so damn happy plus the new color palette. Seriously, I love this! And to celebrate I enjoyed some online shopping therapy last night, during which I ordered an assortment of essential crap from my two favorite Internet retailers. Pictured below are: 1) Dial Himalayan Pink Salt & Water Lily body wash; 2) Cutter Bite MD for Sam because he’s always getting chomped to death on the patio; 3) a bunch of Clif bars in Sam’s favorite flavors (Chocolate Brownie and Blueberry Crisp); 4) a sack of Oscar Mayer tasty chopped 100% REAL BACON; 5) four bags of jalapeño-flavored kettle chips; and 6) a large bottle of Downy Sun Blossom scent. If you care, items 1, 2, 3, 4 and 6 are from Wal-Mart and item 5 is from Amazon.

Pain, cramps rashes and miscellaneous bullshit.

It’s been a while since my last comprehensive kvetch report, so pour yourself a nice tall whatever with plenty of ice and get comfortable. I’ll begin with a statement of fact: MY ENTIRE BODY HURTS. Symptoms and general complaints follow.

The Republicans were in favor of bringing home Sergeant Bergdahl until Obama actually did it.

I think I’m sliding into another miserable funk due to an inexhaustible abundance of political horseshit in the news. This happens to me from time to time, and the only things that usually snap me out of it are: 1) braunschweiger on low-carb white toast with sweet relish; 2) a good screwball comedy; 3) shopping; or 4) outrageous amounts of SLEEP. Since I have zero braunschweiger in the house I’ll have to settle for items 2 through 4. Today’s shopping spree included a nice little alarm clock for Sam’s trip to California later this month and a tasty boxed set of Lou Malnati’s Chicago deep-dish pepperoni pizzas with a free fancy Father’s Day cookie for no apparent reason whatsoever ... a $5.95 value!

Welcome to the new and improved Howdygram!

This is it, people ... my very first post to the redesigned NOT BEIGE Howdygram 2, which involved several days of persistent labor and zero naps. In case you’re interested, the original Howdygram still exists and you can always read my earlier posts dating back to 2009 whenever you don’t have anything else to do.