Things I’ve done today (so far).

In case you’re wondering how a housebound senior citizen spends a typical Thursday, I’m pretty sure the following unsolicited information will entertain and enlighten you. Or not.

SLEPT LIKE A ROCK. Due to a severe shortage of sleep last night [see previous post] I finally passed out in the family room at 10:30 this morning and woke up around 3 ... dazed, confused and not especially hungry but I had to eat anyway because DIABETES. I decided to go with Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf on toasty low-carb onion rolls but couldn’t find them in the freezer so I went with Plan B: two Schwan’s corn dogs and a sugar-free chocolate truffle. (Remind me to ask Sam where he put those onion rolls.)

CUT BACK ON AGGRAVATION. Know what? I unsubscribed from Raw Story today, the progressive news blog that prints every shred of crap it can find about the deranged far-right, including neo-Nazis, white supremacists, anti-government militias, Fox News, gay-bashers, minority-bashers, immigrant-bashers, Obama-haters, the Tea Party, conspiracy theories and your everyday mainstream Republican douchebags. For the last year or so I’ve been receiving Raw Story’s emails two or three times a day with all the latest “breaking news headlines” until my brain is ready to explode. A partial sampling of today’s headlines appear below. (Judge for yourself why I unsubscribed.)

• Louie Gohmert demands Obama stop ‘luring’ lice and scabies-ridden immigrant children.
• Anti-abortion conference speaker: The ‘real war on women’ is birth control from the ‘pit of hell’.
• Pennsylvania neighborhood watch member says he was fired for his ‘religious beliefs’ in white superiority.
• South Dakota teen claims manager forced him to wear ‘Gaytard’ name tag at fast food job.
• NRA fights to preserve gun rights for convicted stalkers, domestic abusers.
• North Carolina GOP lawmaker tells gay colleague that he’s the same as a pedophile or animal rapist.
• Dick Cheney warns Fox News that nuclear weapons are ‘spreading’ to terrorists.

BOUGHT SOME CRAP. I just placed a nice order online with Wal-Mart for: 1) two 16-oz. shaker jars of store-brand parmesan cheese; 2) Lay’s mesquite BBQ kettle chips; 3) a twin-pack of Secret deodorant; 4) a gigantic 18-roll package of Charmin; and 5) nine bags of Equate moist wipes because they’re better than the name brand and I really enjoy hygiene.

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To shift gears a little I’d like to bestow an official Einstein Award to the stupidest Silicon Valley startup EVER. It’s Washboard, an Internet company developed by a couple of lazy-ass millennials who thought they had a great idea to mail you quarters to do your laundry. With two-day shipping. Holy crap. Hasn’t anybody ever heard of a BANK?

Unfortunately Washboard had to shut down after one week in business because practically nobody (fewer than 10 customers nationwide) would cough up $27 a month for two $10 rolls of quarters. And shockingly, it wasn’t the company’s idiotic business model that shut the doors, it was their credit card processor who said selling U.S. currency for profit is a violation of their terms of service and canceled Washboard’s account.

Personally, I think the real breakthrough product here would be a novel yet practical way to dispense quarters. Something like a Coke machine or a vending machine where you feed it 1, 5 or 10 dollar bills but instead of a Sprite or a bag of Fritos YOU GET ACTUAL CHANGE FROM IT. Real coins! You could MOUNT IT ON A WALL! Or even design a COMPLETELY FREESTANDING UNIT!

I’m going to call this revolutionary product The Change Machine™ AND WE CAN INSTALL THEM IN EVERY LAUNDROMAT IN THE UNITED STATES! Please send me an email as soon as possible if you’d like get in on the ground floor. Thank you for your support.