For a retired senior citizen I have far too much crap on my Monday “do” list.

Sam and I celebrated his birthday yesterday at Cafe Greek in Dallas, a nice ethnic buffet with surprisingly tasty food, plenty of napkins and no customers. Here’s a full-color portrait of their buffet for your possible interest. They also have spinach pies, really good eggplant whatnots, big vats of hummus and Sam’s favorite custard dessert.

For a retired senior citizen I have far too much crap on my Monday “do” list — most of it involving TELEPHONE CALLS — which I’ll explain for you now in greater detail.

CALL MACY’S. My all-time favorite nap vehicle (pictured below) has developed an uncomfortable crater in the general vicinity of my rump, but since we bought Macy’s Worry-No-More seven-year protection plan they either have to repair or replace our leather chaise for free. That sound you hear is me, cheering like a lunatic.

CALL AT&T. I’m dumping my cell phone service because I don’t use it and I don’t want it. Having dealt with AT&T’s customer service Einsteins in the past, however, this is likely to take all day and still end up WRONG.

CALL FRY’S. I need a return authorization number so I can ship back the external hard drive I ordered when I thought my old one died. (It didn’t. It’s still breathing.) We tried to unload the damn thing at Fry’s retail store in Garland on our way home from lunch on Sunday but they don’t accept returns on Internet orders. FRY’S STINKS.

CALL MY KIDNEY DOCTOR. I’ve decided to cancel my appointment for Thursday morning because it’s a total waste of money and I don’t like going there. (Technically, I don’t like going ANYWHERE.) For the record, my kidney doctor is NOT treating me for a health condition and she’s NOT prescribing any meds ... she just expects me to come back every three months to say hi and pee in a cup. Sorry. Not interested.

While I’m busy listening to a variety of on-hold music this morning Sam will be at Costco picking up his happy birthday iPhone 4s. He tried to get one on Sunday at the AT&T store next to Tom Thumb but they don’t stock them, so Costco’s wireless department is next on his list. If that doesn’t work out we’ll just get one online at Apple.com.

I need to go to bed now. Shalom and please shut the lights.